When to Define the Relationship in ENM (2026)
The 'what are we?' conversation is complicated in polyamory. Here's how to know when it's time and how to navigate it.
Need help crafting the perfect message?
Poise helps you write authentic openers that get responses.
In monogamy, defining the relationship usually means one question: "Are we exclusive?" In polyamory, it's more complicated. What does "defining the relationship" even mean when multiple relationships are possible?
Here's how to navigate the DTR conversation in ENM.
What "Defining the Relationship" Means in ENM
Not the Same as Monogamy
In monogamy, DTR often means:
- Are we dating exclusively?
- Are we boyfriend/girlfriend?
- Is this going somewhere?
In ENM, the questions are different:
- What are we to each other?
- How does this relationship fit into our lives?
- What can we expect from each other?
- What words do we use?
What You're Actually Defining
Possible topics:
- What to call each other (partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, lover, etc.)
- Where this relationship sits in your life structure
- What expectations come with this connection
- What this relationship means to both of you
- How integrated your lives will be
- What's on the table (romance, sex, partnership, etc.)
When to Have the Conversation
Too Early
Signs it's too soon:
- You've only been on a few dates
- There isn't enough foundation to define
- You're trying to lock something down from insecurity
- Neither person has enough information to know what they want
Too-early conversations often:
- Create pressure
- Get vague answers because people genuinely don't know yet
- Feel forced
Too Late
Signs you've waited too long:
- One person has been operating under assumptions that don't match reality
- There's growing uncertainty that's creating anxiety
- You're avoiding a conversation you both need
- Misaligned expectations have caused hurt
Waiting too long risks:
- Growing in different directions without realizing
- Building on a foundation of different assumptions
- One person feeling strung along
The Right Time
Good indicators:
- You've spent enough time together to have feelings and opinions
- There's genuine curiosity about where this is going
- Questions are arising naturally (for one or both people)
- The relationship is developing and needs some navigation
The right time feels like: A natural progression, not a forced milestone.
ENM-Specific DTR Questions
Questions About Labels
What to explore:
- What do you want to call this?
- How do you introduce me to others?
- What words feel right for our connection?
- What labels matter to you?
ENM-specific considerations:
- Labels mean different things in poly contexts
- "Partner" can range from casual to life partner
- Some people avoid labels; others find them important
- Your other partners may affect how you define this one
Questions About Structure
What to explore:
- Where does this relationship fit in your life structure?
- Is this a primary partnership, or something different?
- How much time and energy are available for this connection?
- What does this relationship have potential to become?
ENM-specific considerations:
- Some people practice hierarchy; others don't
- "Secondary" means different things to different people
- Available bandwidth matters
- Other relationships affect this one
Questions About Expectations
What to explore:
- What can we expect from each other?
- How much communication? How much time?
- What commitments are we making?
- What's off the table?
ENM-specific considerations:
- Expectations vary widely across relationship types
- Clear expectations prevent resentment
- Your capacity may be limited by other commitments
- Different relationships can have different expectations
Questions About Future
What to explore:
- What do you see happening with us?
- Is this something that might grow, or is it defined as what it is?
- What are your hopes for this connection?
- What would you not want this to become?
ENM-specific considerations:
- Not all relationships need to escalate
- Some connections are complete as they are
- Multiple relationships can have different trajectories
- The "relationship escalator" is optional
How to Have the Conversation
Starting the Conversation
Direct approach:
"I'd like to talk about what we are to each other. I've been thinking about it and I'm curious where your head is."
Soft approach:
"I've been enjoying our time together. I'm curious what you see happening between us?"
Specific approach:
"Someone asked me about you and I didn't know what to say. Can we talk about how we describe this?"
Sharing Your Perspective
Lead with your position:
"Here's where I am: I really like spending time with you, and I'd like this to be a more defined relationship. What do you think?"
But stay open:
"I have some thoughts, but I want to hear where you are too before I share everything."
Asking About Theirs
Open questions:
"How do you think about us?" "What does this relationship feel like to you?" "What would you want from a defined connection with me?"
Listen fully before responding.
Finding Alignment
If you're aligned:
"It sounds like we want similar things. Let's talk about what that looks like specifically."
If you're not:
"It sounds like we're in different places with this. Can we talk about what that means?"
Common DTR Scenarios in ENM
Scenario 1: Becoming Partners
Situation: You've been dating casually and want more.
The conversation:
"I've really valued our connection. I'm interested in being more intentional—calling you my partner, having you be a real part of my life. How would you feel about that?"
Scenario 2: Clarifying Status
Situation: You've been seeing each other regularly but haven't named it.
The conversation:
"We've been spending a lot of time together and I realize I'm not sure what to call us. What feels right to you?"
Scenario 3: Addressing Assumptions
Situation: You're worried you're on different pages.
The conversation:
"I want to make sure we're aligned on what this is. I've been thinking of us as [your assumption]. Is that how you see it too?"
Scenario 4: Resisting Definition
Situation: They or you don't want to define things.
The conversation (if you're the one resisting):
"I understand the desire to define this. I'm not ready for that conversation yet because [reason]. Can we revisit in [timeframe]?"
The conversation (if they're resisting):
"I'd like some clarity on what we are. If you're not sure or not ready, that's okay—but I need to know that we'll get there eventually."
What If You Want Different Things?
Misaligned Definitions
Common misalignments:
- One wants partnership; one wants casual
- One wants more time; one has no more bandwidth
- One wants labels; one avoids them
- One sees potential; one sees a ceiling
Navigating Differences
Options:
- Compromise: Find a middle ground that works for both
- Adjust expectations: Accept the relationship for what it is
- Wait and see: Give it more time before deciding
- End it: If needs are too different, part ways
The key: Honesty about what each person actually wants, not what they think they should want.
After Defining
What Changes
When you've defined the relationship:
- Clearer expectations
- Labels to use with others
- Shared understanding of what this is
- Foundation for addressing future questions
What Stays the Same
Defining doesn't mean:
- Everything is figured out forever
- No more conversations needed
- The relationship is locked in place
- Nothing can change
Relationships continue to evolve. Definitions can too.
Revisiting
Plan to check in:
- "Let's revisit this in a few months to see how it's working."
- "If anything changes for either of us, let's talk."
- "This is our starting point, not our forever answer."
FAQ
What if they don't want to define things? Some people genuinely need more time; others avoid definition as a pattern. Ask for a timeline: "When would you be ready to talk about this?"
How is DTR different with multiple partners? Each relationship deserves its own definition. Don't assume one relationship's definition applies to another.
What if defining creates hierarchy I don't want? You can define without hierarchy. "Partner" doesn't have to mean more important than other partners.
What if I don't know what I want? Say that honestly. "I'm still figuring out what I want from this. Can we keep exploring and revisit?"
Related Guides
- Being Emotionally Available While Dating
- How to Have Difficult Conversations in Polyamory
- Rejecting the Relationship Escalator
Clarity Creates Connection
Defining the relationship isn't about locking things down—it's about understanding each other. Poise can help you find the words for these conversations.
Ready to level up your conversations?
Poise is your AI dating coach for Feeld and the ENM community. Get personalized message suggestions that feel authentic to you.