Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Everyone else seems to have this figured out. They have their polycule, their calendar system, their processing skills. Meanwhile, you're struggling with jealousy you thought you'd overcome, questioning if you're actually poly, and wondering if you're just doing monogamy badly.

Welcome to imposter syndrome in ENM. It's incredibly common, rarely talked about, and worth addressing.

What ENM Imposter Syndrome Looks Like

The Internal Voice

Imposter syndrome in ENM sounds like:

"I'm not actually poly—I'm just afraid of commitment"
"Real poly people don't feel this much jealousy"
"Everyone else handles this so much better than me"
"I'm doing this wrong and it's going to explode"
"I don't belong in this community"
"My partners will realize I'm a fraud"

Common Manifestations

Comparison spiral: Seeing others' seemingly perfect polycules and feeling inadequate about your own messy reality.

Jealousy shame: Feeling jealous and then feeling shame for feeling jealous, because "evolved poly people" don't feel that.

Questioning legitimacy: Wondering if you're "really" poly or just going along with it for a partner, or avoiding something, or broken somehow.

Fear of being discovered: Worried that partners or the community will figure out you don't know what you're doing.

Overcompensating: Trying too hard to seem like the perfect poly person, hiding struggles, never asking for help.

Why ENM Attracts Imposter Syndrome

Lack of Models

Most of us grew up with monogamous templates. ENM requires:

Making it up as you go
Learning without roadmaps
Figuring out your own rules

Without clear models, it's easy to feel like you're doing it wrong.

The Myth of the Perfect Poly Person

There's a pervasive myth that good poly people:

Never feel jealous
Are infinitely flexible
Handle everything with grace
Have it all figured out

This mythical person doesn't exist. But comparing yourself to them is common.

Community Pressure

Some ENM communities have subtle (or not subtle) hierarchies:

Years of experience as status
Certain structures seen as "more evolved"
Performances of being okay with everything
Judgment of those who struggle

This environment breeds imposter feelings.

Personal History

If you already struggle with imposter syndrome (at work, in friendships), it will likely follow you into ENM. The pattern transfers to new contexts.

The Truth About "Doing Poly Right"

There Is No Right Way

ENM comes in many forms:

Hierarchical and non-hierarchical
Highly structured and fluid
Kitchen table and parallel
Primary-focused and relationship anarchist
Casual and deeply committed

None of these is more "real" than others. Your version of ENM is valid.

Everyone Struggles

Behind the confident presentations:

Most poly people have difficult nights
Jealousy is nearly universal at some point
Relationships end and fail
Processing is hard for everyone
Nobody has it all figured out

The difference is often just what people show publicly.

Learning Is the Point

If you're "not good at this yet," that's... normal?

Consider:

How long have you been doing ENM?
How would you be at anything after that amount of time?
Would you expect expertise in any other skill after the same period?

Learning means you're growing, not failing.

Addressing the Imposter Feelings

Normalize Your Experience

Tell yourself:

"Many people feel this way in ENM"
"Struggling doesn't mean I don't belong"
"I'm learning, and that's part of the process"
"My feelings are valid, even if inconvenient"

Challenge the Comparisons

When comparing to others:

Ask:

"Do I actually know their internal experience?"
"Am I comparing my behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel?"
"Are they actually more competent, or just better at performing confidence?"

Remember: That couple who seems perfect? They've probably cried in their car after a hard conversation. That person who's so "evolved"? They've likely struggled with things they don't post about.

Talk About It

Breaking the silence helps:

With partners:

"I've been feeling like I'm not doing this poly thing right. I know it's probably imposter syndrome, but I wanted to share it with you."

With poly friends:

"Do you ever feel like a fraud at this? Like everyone else has it figured out except you?"

You'll almost certainly hear "yes." And that helps.

Accept Where You Are

You don't need to be the perfect poly person:

You can feel jealous and be poly
You can struggle and be poly
You can be learning and be poly
You can make mistakes and be poly

Your current skill level doesn't determine your legitimacy.

Specific Imposter Scenarios

"I Feel Too Much Jealousy to Be Poly"

The imposter thought: Real poly people don't feel jealous, so my jealousy means I'm not really poly.

The reality: Jealousy is a human emotion. Almost everyone in ENM experiences it at some point. The difference between poly people and mono people isn't absence of jealousy—it's how you work with it.

The reframe: "I feel jealousy and I'm working on it. That's what poly people do."

"I'm Just Doing This for My Partner"

The imposter thought: I'm not genuinely poly—I'm just going along with what my partner wants.

The question to ask: Are you genuinely interested in ENM, even if your partner introduced you to it? Many people discover poly through a partner and find it fits them.

If it truly doesn't fit: That's also valid. You're allowed to realize ENM isn't for you. That's not imposter syndrome—that's self-knowledge.

"My Poly Doesn't Look Like Real Poly"

The imposter thought: I'm hierarchical when everyone says non-hierarchical is better, or I only have one partner when poly means multiple, or [specific way yours doesn't match the ideal].

The reality: There's no single "real" poly. Your structure is valid. Your pace is valid. Your choices are valid.

The reframe: "My poly looks like what works for me, and that's the point."

"I Haven't Read the Books / Attended the Events / Been Doing This Long Enough"

The imposter thought: I haven't put in the work that real poly people have.

The reality: There's no certification for being poly. Learning happens through experience, relationships, and yes, sometimes books and events—but at your own pace.

The reframe: "I'm learning as I go, which is how everyone does it."

Building Genuine Confidence

Track Your Growth

Notice:

How have you handled difficult things?
What have you learned since starting?
What conversations have you successfully navigated?
How have your skills improved?

This is evidence against the imposter narrative.

Define Your Own Success

Instead of comparing to others' metrics:

Decide what success means to you:

Honest communication with partners
Staying in integrity with your values
Handling challenges better than you used to
Building relationships that work for you

Judge yourself by your own standards.

Get Experienced Perspectives

Talk to people who've been doing ENM longer:

They'll normalize your struggles
They'll share their own imposter experiences
They'll provide realistic expectations
They'll remind you that expertise develops over time

Remember Why You're Here

When imposter feelings hit, reconnect with your reasons:

Why did you choose ENM?
What appeals to you about this life?
What have you gained from it?

Your reasons are valid, even when feelings make you doubt them.

When Imposter Syndrome Points to Real Issues

Sometimes the voice isn't imposter syndrome—it's intuition:

It might be real concern if:

You genuinely don't want ENM but are doing it for a partner
You're ignoring important values to fit in
Your current situation is actually unhealthy
You've never felt right about this, no matter how much you try

How to distinguish:

Imposter syndrome often comes with "everyone else can do this"
Real misfit often comes with "this fundamentally isn't me"

If you're unsure, explore with a therapist or trusted friend.

FAQ

Is some imposter syndrome normal? Yes. Most people in ENM experience it, especially early on. It becomes problematic when it prevents you from engaging authentically or seeking support.

Will it go away with experience? It often diminishes as you build confidence and see evidence of your competence. But it can resurface during new challenges or comparisons.

What if I'm genuinely bad at this? "Bad at this" compared to what? You're learning. Skill develops with practice. Unless you're causing harm (which is different), you're probably doing fine.

Should I fake confidence until I feel it? You can act from your values (honesty, care, effort) without performing fake confidence. Authenticity works better than pretending.

Related Guides

You're Poly Enough

If you're showing up with honesty and care, you belong here. Poise can help you communicate authentically—no performance required.

Imposter Syndrome in ENM: You Belong Here (2026)