Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

In monogamy, there's often an unspoken assumption that your partner should just know what you need. In ethical non-monogamy, that assumption will wreck you. Multiple relationships require explicit communication—including clearly asking for what you need.

This is simple in theory and terrifying in practice. Here's how to do it.

Why Asking for Needs Is Hard

The Vulnerability Problem

Asking for what you need requires admitting:

You need something
You can't get it on your own
You might be told no
The relationship might not meet this need

That's vulnerable. Most of us avoid vulnerability when we can.

The ENM-Specific Challenges

Fear of being "too much":

What if my needs make me seem high-maintenance?
What if I'm asking for more than I deserve?
What if my needs limit my partner's other relationships?

Comparison anxiety:

What if their other partner doesn't need this?
What if I seem needier than their other partners?
What if asking creates hierarchy?

Scarcity fears:

What if there isn't enough time/attention to go around?
What if my needs can't be met given their other commitments?
What if asking makes clear that I'm not a priority?

The Mind-Reading Fantasy

Many of us secretly wish partners would just know:

"If they really cared, they'd notice"
"I shouldn't have to ask"
"Real connection means intuiting each other's needs"

This is a fantasy. Even deeply connected partners can't read minds, especially when juggling multiple relationships.

Identifying Your Needs (Step One)

Common Categories

Connection needs:

Quality time
Physical affection
Emotional intimacy
Regular communication
Undivided attention

Security needs:

Reassurance
Consistency
Follow-through on commitments
Transparency about other relationships
Future-orientation

Autonomy needs:

Space for yourself
Independence in decisions
Time alone
Privacy
Freedom to grow

Practical needs:

Help with logistics
Financial fairness
Schedule coordination
Domestic support
Shared responsibilities

Getting Specific

"I need more time" is too vague. Get specific:

Instead of: "I need more attention" Try: "I need at least one full day together each week where we're not distracted by phones"

Instead of: "I need you to communicate more" Try: "I need a goodnight text each night we're not together"

Instead of: "I need to feel more secure" Try: "I need you to check in with me before making plans that affect our time together"

Specific needs are easier to understand and meet.

Distinguishing Needs from Strategies

Need: The underlying thing you require Strategy: One way to meet that need

Example:

Need: Connection and intimacy with my partner
Strategy: Spending every Saturday night together

The strategy is one option. There might be others. When asking for needs, try to communicate the need while being open to different strategies.

"I need more quality connection time with you. Saturdays have worked well for us—would that work going forward? Or is there another way we could create that time?"

Preparing to Ask

Check: Is This a Need or a Want?

Both are valid, but it helps to know which you're expressing:

Needs: Essential for your wellbeing and the relationship's health Wants: Preferences that would enhance things but aren't essential

You can ask for both—just frame them accordingly:

"I need..." implies importance and potential dealbreaker
"I'd really like..." indicates preference with flexibility

Check: Have You Tried Meeting It Yourself?

Some needs are partner-dependent. Others have self-fulfilling options:

Partner-dependent: "I need emotional intimacy with you" Potentially self-meeting: "I need intellectual stimulation" (could you also get this from friends?)

This isn't about suppressing needs—it's about understanding what specifically you need from your partner versus what you can also source elsewhere.

Check: Is This the Right Partner?

Sometimes we ask one partner to meet needs better suited to another:

Asking your casual partner for deep emotional processing
Expecting your emotionally reserved partner to be your primary support
Needing something your partner has expressed they can't give

Consider whether the need matches the relationship.

Write It Out First

Before the conversation, write:

What I need: [specific need]
Why it matters: [how it affects you]
What I'm asking for: [specific request]
What I'm open to: [alternatives or flexibility]

This clarifies your thinking before you speak.

How to Actually Ask

The Basic Framework

"I've realized I need [specific need]. This is important to me because [why it matters]. I'd love to [specific request]. What do you think?"

Real Examples

For more quality time:

"I've realized I need more one-on-one time with you to feel connected. When we go more than a week without real time together, I start feeling disconnected. Could we commit to at least one full date night every week? I'm flexible on which night."

For more communication:

"I need more check-ins when we're apart to feel secure in our connection. Even short texts help me feel connected. Would you be open to a good morning and goodnight text on days we don't see each other?"

For more reassurance:

"I've been needing more reassurance lately about where I stand with you, especially with your new relationship taking up a lot of energy. I'm not asking you to do anything differently with them—I just need to hear more explicitly that you value our relationship."

For boundary changes:

"I need to adjust our agreement about [specific thing]. What we set up initially isn't working for me anymore. Can we talk about what might work better?"

What Makes Asking Effective

Be direct: Don't hint or hope they'll guess. State it clearly.

Own it: These are your needs, not their failures. "I need" not "You should."

Stay curious: Their response matters. Ask what they think, not just what they'll do.

Be open to dialogue: You're starting a conversation, not issuing demands.

Handling Responses

If They Say Yes

Thank them genuinely
Discuss specifics if needed
Follow up to see if it's working
Express appreciation when the need is being met

If They Need Time

Sometimes partners need to think:

"I hear what you're asking. I need some time to think about how I can show up for that."

This is reasonable. Give them space to consider rather than demanding immediate agreement.

If They Say No

This is harder. A "no" might mean:

They can't meet this need (capacity issue)
They won't meet this need (willingness issue)
They need to discuss alternatives
The need conflicts with their other relationships

How to respond:

"I appreciate you being honest. Can you help me understand what's getting in the way? I want to see if there's something that works for both of us."

If the Need Can't Be Met

If after discussion, your need genuinely can't be met in this relationship:

Options:

Can it be met elsewhere? (Other partner, friend, yourself)
Can you adjust your need? (Sometimes needs are actually preferences)
Is this a dealbreaker? (Some needs are non-negotiable)
Can you accept this limitation? (Not all needs can be met in all relationships)

Common Mistakes

Apologizing for Having Needs

Don't: "I'm sorry to ask, and I know it's probably too much, but I maybe kind of need..."

Do: "I've realized I need [thing]. Let's talk about it."

Having needs isn't something to apologize for.

Framing Needs as Accusations

Don't: "I need you to stop neglecting me."

Do: "I need more quality time together. I've been missing our connection."

The first puts them on defense. The second invites collaboration.

Asking at the Wrong Time

Don't ask for what you need:

In the middle of conflict
When they're stressed or overwhelmed
As they're walking out the door
Via text if it's significant

Set up the conversation properly.

Making It About Their Other Relationships

Don't: "I need you to spend less time with [metamour]."

Do: "I need more time with you. Can we find ways to create that?"

Frame needs in terms of what you need with them, not what you need them to do with others.

Not Asking at All

The biggest mistake is assuming they know, or suffering in silence, or dropping hints and hoping they'll get it.

If you need something, ask for it. Directly.

Ongoing Communication

Regular Check-Ins

Don't wait until needs are unmet to discuss them:

Schedule regular relationship check-ins
Ask: "What do you need from me?"
Share: "Here's what's working and what I need more of"

Prevention beats crisis.

Adjusting Over Time

Needs change. What you needed early in the relationship might differ from now:

Life circumstances shift
Relationships deepen or stabilize
New relationships affect the ecosystem
You grow and change

Revisit needs periodically.

Normalizing the Conversation

The more you ask for needs, the easier it gets:

Small requests build comfort
Partners learn you'll communicate directly
It becomes part of relationship culture
Both of you get better at it

FAQ

What if I don't know what I need? Start with what you're feeling (unhappy, disconnected, anxious). Ask: "What would make this better?" Therapy can help with this too.

What if my needs are "too much" for one person? Some needs legitimately exceed one relationship's capacity. That's one reason people are polyamorous—multiple relationships can meet diverse needs.

What if my partner gets defensive when I ask for things? That's about their response, not your asking. You can discuss how to raise needs in ways that land better, but you shouldn't have to suppress needs to avoid their discomfort.

Is it okay to ask for the same thing multiple times? If a need isn't being met despite previous conversations, yes. But also examine: Are you asking clearly? Are they capable of meeting it? Is there a deeper issue?

Related Guides

Your Needs Matter

Asking for what you need is an act of trust in your relationship. Poise can help you find the right words—so your needs get heard clearly.

How to Ask for What You Need in ENM (2026)