Attachment Styles in ENM: What You Need to Know (2026)

Your attachment style—the way you bond with romantic partners—shapes everything about how you experience polyamory. Understanding yours (and your partners') can transform how you navigate ENM.

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The Four Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

Characteristics:

• Comfortable with intimacy and independence
• Trust comes relatively easily
• Can self-soothe during partner's absence
• Relationships feel stable, not anxious
• Can handle partner's other connections without excessive distress

In ENM: Secure attachment makes poly easier, but doesn't eliminate all challenges.

Anxious Attachment

Characteristics:

• Craves closeness, fears abandonment
• Sensitive to changes in partner's attention
• May feel anxious when partner is with others
• Seeks frequent reassurance
• Can be hypervigilant about relationship status

In ENM: May struggle with jealousy, fear of replacement, and need for constant reassurance.

Avoidant Attachment

Characteristics:

• Values independence highly
• Uncomfortable with too much closeness
• May withdraw when things get intense
• Downplays need for connection
• Can seem emotionally distant

In ENM: May use multiple relationships to avoid deep intimacy, struggle with partner's attachment needs.

Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)

Characteristics:

• Push-pull dynamic with intimacy
• Both wants and fears closeness
• Can be unpredictable
• Often linked to trauma history
• May have intense relationships with dramatic swings

In ENM: Complex challenges—may seek many connections but struggle with stability in all of them.

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Attachment Styles in Poly Contexts

Anxious Attachment + ENM

Common challenges:

• Severe jealousy when partner is with others
• Constant need for reassurance
• Fear that every new connection threatens you
• Difficulty self-soothing during date nights
• Preoccupation with partner's other relationships

What helps:

• Clear agreements and consistency
• Regular reassurance from partners
• Developing self-soothing skills
• Therapy to work on attachment wounds
• Secure-functioning relationships as a foundation

Avoidant Attachment + ENM

Common challenges:

• Using multiple partners to avoid deep intimacy with any
• Partners feeling like they can't reach you
• Withdrawing when any relationship gets serious
• Dismissing partners' attachment needs
• Commitment avoidance through relationship structure

What helps:

• Self-awareness about avoidant patterns
• Intentionally deepening connections
• Learning to tolerate intimacy
• Not using ENM as an escape from vulnerability
• Partners who can be patient with your pace

Disorganized Attachment + ENM

Common challenges:

• Chaotic relationship patterns
• Intense connections followed by dramatic endings
• Difficulty with stability in any configuration
• Triggered by both closeness and distance
• May create drama unconsciously

What helps:

• Trauma-informed therapy
• Very patient partners
• Slow, boundaried relationship development
• Focus on stability before adding connections
• Awareness of patterns

Secure Attachment + ENM

Advantages:

• Can tolerate partner's other connections
• Trusts without constant reassurance
• Self-soothes during separation
• Maintains sense of self in relationships
• Handles jealousy without spiraling

Still present:

• Some jealousy (everyone has some)
• Challenges with specific situations
• Growth areas for everyone
• Not immune to relationship problems

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How Different Styles Interact

Anxious + Avoidant

The classic difficult pairing:

• Anxious person pursues
• Avoidant person withdraws
• This confirms anxious person's fears
• Which triggers more avoidant withdrawal
• Cycle intensifies

In poly: This dynamic can play out across multiple relationships simultaneously.

Anxious + Anxious

What happens:

• Both need a lot of reassurance
• Can either support each other or exhaust each other
• May compete for relationship security
• High emotional intensity

In poly: May struggle with jealousy together, or understand each other's needs.

Avoidant + Avoidant

What happens:

• May keep comfortable distance
• Can parallel-play relationships
• May lack deep intimacy
• Lower conflict but also lower connection

In poly: May function smoothly on surface but lack depth.

Secure + Any Style

What helps:

• Secure partner can model healthy attachment
• Provides stability for less secure partner
• Can help regulate the relationship system
• Secure attachment can be learned

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Working With Your Attachment Style

If You're Anxiously Attached

Self-work:

• Develop self-soothing techniques
• Build life outside relationships
• Challenge catastrophic thinking
• Work with a therapist on attachment

In relationships:

• Ask for reassurance directly (not through testing)
• Create agreements that provide security
• Notice when you're spiraling and take breaks
• Choose partners who can meet your needs

Specific ENM tools:

• Clear communication expectations during date nights
• Agreed-upon check-ins
• Understanding your triggers
• Self-care plans for when partners are with others

If You're Avoidantly Attached

Self-work:

• Practice staying present when intimacy increases
• Notice when you're withdrawing and why
• Challenge the belief that you don't need anyone
• Work on vulnerability

In relationships:

• Push yourself toward connection, not away
• Communicate when you need space (instead of just taking it)
• Reassure partners of your commitment
• Don't use ENM to avoid intimacy

Specific ENM tools:

• Be aware if you're using new connections to escape existing ones
• Intentionally deepen relationships before adding more
• Check that partners feel connected, not pushed away
• Balance independence with intimacy

If You're Disorganized

Self-work:

• Trauma-informed therapy is essential
• Understand your specific triggers
• Work on emotional regulation
• Slow down relationship development

In relationships:

• Be honest about your patterns
• Choose stable, patient partners
• Have support systems outside romantic relationships
• Prioritize healing over relationship expansion

Specific ENM tools:

• More connections can mean more chaos
• Focus on stability before adding complexity
• Watch for recreating familiar but unhealthy patterns
• Professional support is important

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Moving Toward Secure Attachment

Earned Secure Attachment

Good news:

• Attachment styles can change
• With self-awareness and work
• Especially in healthy relationships
• Therapy can help significantly

How It Develops

Through:

• Consistent, responsive partners
• Self-reflection and growth
• Processing past attachment wounds
• Practice with new behaviors
• Time and patience

Signs of Progress

You're becoming more secure if:

• Jealousy is less overwhelming
• You need less constant reassurance
• You can self-soothe better
• Relationships feel more stable
• You're less reactive to triggers

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Attachment and Poly-Specific Challenges

NRE and Attachment

Anxious attachment: NRE in partner's other relationship can trigger intense fear Avoidant attachment: May chase NRE to avoid deepening existing connections Disorganized: NRE can be destabilizing in unpredictable ways

Hierarchy and Attachment

Anxious: May need hierarchy for security Avoidant: May use hierarchy to maintain distance Secure: Can navigate various structures

Change and Attachment

When relationships shift:

• Anxious: Struggles with any change
• Avoidant: May prefer change to prevent deepening
• Secure: Adapts while maintaining connection

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FAQ

Can people with insecure attachment be poly? Yes, but it requires extra work. Poly can actually be healing with the right partners and self-awareness, or it can exacerbate existing wounds.

Should anxiously attached people avoid poly? Not necessarily, but they need supportive partners, good agreements, and probably therapy to work on attachment while practicing ENM.

Can poly make attachment issues worse? Yes, if you're not working on them. Poly can intensify attachment patterns. But it can also provide healing experiences if navigated thoughtfully.

How do I know my attachment style? Take a validated attachment style assessment, reflect on your relationship patterns, or work with a therapist who can help you identify yours.

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Related Guides

• Self-Soothing Skills for Polyamory
• Finding a Poly-Friendly Therapist
• Managing Envy in Polyamory

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Know Yourself, Navigate Better

Understanding your attachment style is one of the most powerful tools for ENM success. Poise can help you communicate about these patterns—so you can build relationships that work with your nervous system.