15 Common ENM Mistakes (And How to Avoid Them) (2026)

Ethical non-monogamy has a learning curve. Most people make mistakes along the way—that's part of growth. But some mistakes are so common that you can learn from others who've made them.

Here are 15 of the most frequent ENM mistakes and how to avoid them.

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Relationship Foundation Mistakes

1. Opening to Fix Problems

The mistake: Opening a struggling relationship hoping new partners will:

• Distract from existing issues
• Meet needs current partner can't
• Create positive energy
• Prevent breakup

Why it fails:

• Problems don't disappear
• ENM adds stress, not relief
• Issues compound with complexity
• Foundation crumbles faster

Instead:

• Fix problems first, then consider opening
• Be honest about why you want ENM
• Don't use new partners as band-aids
• Build strong foundation before adding complexity

2. One Person Wants It, One Doesn't

The mistake:

• Partner pressures resistant partner to open up
• Reluctant agreement under duress
• "I'll try it for you" without genuine desire

Why it fails:

• Resentment builds
• Power imbalance from start
• Reluctant partner often hurt
• Usually ends badly

Instead:

• Both must genuinely want this
• "No" is a complete answer
• May mean incompatibility
• Don't coerce or pressure

3. Not Doing the Work

The mistake:

• Jumping in without education
• Assuming love is enough
• Skipping books, therapy, community
• Winging it

Why it fails:

• Reinvent every wheel
• Make preventable mistakes
• Lack tools for challenges
• Miss important concepts

Instead:

• Read the foundational books
• Consider therapy (especially early)
• Join communities for support
• Learn from others' experiences

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Communication Mistakes

4. Assuming Your Partner Knows

The mistake:

• Not saying things explicitly
• Assuming they'd bring it up if bothered
• Mind-reading expectations
• "They should just know"

Why it fails:

• People aren't telepathic
• Assumptions create conflict
• Resentment builds silently
• Surprises when needs unmet

Instead:

• Say what you need directly
• Check assumptions explicitly
• Don't expect mind-reading
• Overcommunicate early on

5. Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The mistake:

• Agreement to not discuss outside relationships
• "What I don't know won't hurt me"
• Avoiding uncomfortable truths

Why it fails:

• Creates secrets, not privacy
• Often backfires when discovered
• Prevents genuine connection
• Hides compatibility issues

Instead:

• Find communication level that works
• Some privacy is fine; secrecy isn't
• Address avoidance honestly
• What level of information do you both need?

6. Treating Partners Like Therapists

The mistake:

• Processing every feeling with partner
• Expecting them to manage your emotions
• Over-relying on their support
• Making them responsible for your feelings

Why it fails:

• Exhausting for them
• Creates unfair burden
• Can feel manipulative
• Limits their freedom

Instead:

• Develop self-soothing skills
• Have multiple support sources
• Therapy for big processing
• Share feelings without making them problems to solve

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New Relationship Mistakes

7. NRE Negligence

The mistake:

• New relationship energy consumes you
• Existing partner(s) neglected
• Can't stop thinking/talking about new person
• Making decisions based on NRE

Why it fails:

• Established relationships wither
• Partners feel abandoned
• Decisions regretted when NRE fades
• Trust damaged

Instead:

• Recognize NRE for what it is
• Protect time with existing partners
• Don't make major decisions in NRE
• Balance new excitement with established connection

8. Couple's Privilege Unchecked

The mistake:

• Treating new partners as accessories
• Rules that protect couple at new partner's expense
• "We come first" as default
• New partners disposable

Why it fails:

• Hurts real people
• Creates resentment
• New partners eventually resist
• Ethical issues

Instead:

• Recognize new partners as full people
• Examine rules for fairness
• Consider all affected parties
• Balance needs thoughtfully

9. Comparing Relationships

The mistake:

• "Why don't we have what they have?"
• Measuring against other relationships
• Jealousy based on perceived differences
• Competition mindset

Why it fails:

• Each relationship is unique
• Comparison breeds resentment
• Misses what you actually have
• Can't win this game

Instead:

• Each relationship has its own value
• Focus on what you need
• Ask for what you want without comparison
• Celebrate different strengths

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Agreement Mistakes

10. Too Many Rules

The mistake:

• Rules for every scenario
• Trying to control outcomes
• Restricting to prevent jealousy
• Agreements that constrain growth

Why it fails:

• Rules can't prevent hurt
• Creates false security
• Often broken or resented
• Inhibits authentic connection

Instead:

• Focus on values over rules
• Fewer, more meaningful agreements
• Build trust, not constraints
• Revisit and adjust as needed

11. Veto Power Misuse

The mistake:

• Giving/having veto power over partner's relationships
• Using it to manage your own insecurity
• Wielding it without consideration
• Not examining why you want it

Why it fails:

• Hurts third parties
• Often about control, not safety
• Doesn't address underlying issues
• Erodes trust over time

Instead:

• Examine need for veto
• Use only for genuine concerns
• Address your own feelings directly
• Consider impact on all parties

12. Unchanging Agreements

The mistake:

• "We agreed to this" as permanent
• Never revisiting initial rules
• People change, agreements don't
• Holding to outdated agreements

Why it fails:

• People and relationships evolve
• Initial agreements often need updating
• Creates resentment
• Prevents growth

Instead:

• Schedule regular agreement reviews
• Renegotiate as needed
• Agreements serve relationships, not reverse
• Flexibility is strength

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Emotional Mistakes

13. Avoiding Jealousy Instead of Processing

The mistake:

• Structuring everything to prevent jealousy
• Avoiding situations that trigger
• Never facing the feeling
• Expecting to eliminate it

Why it fails:

• Jealousy is normal and inevitable
• Avoidance limits growth
• Doesn't build resilience
• Creates fragile structures

Instead:

• Learn to work through jealousy
• It's information, not enemy
• Build coping skills
• Jealousy often decreases with practice

14. Not Addressing Attachment Issues

The mistake:

• Bringing unexamined attachment patterns to ENM
• Anxious attachment creating clingy behavior
• Avoidant attachment creating distance
• Not recognizing patterns

Why it fails:

• ENM amplifies attachment stuff
• Multiple relationships, multiple triggers
• Without awareness, patterns repeat
• Harder to build security

Instead:

• Learn about attachment theory
• Examine your patterns
• Work on attachment (therapy helps)
• Communicate about attachment needs

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Structural Mistakes

15. Wrong Relationship Structure for You

The mistake:

• Following poly "shoulds"
• Copying others' structures
• Not finding your authentic style
• Forcing yourself into frameworks

Why it fails:

• What works for others may not work for you
• Resentment from poor fit
• Unsustainable configurations
• Missing what you actually need

Instead:

• Explore different ENM styles
• Design structure that fits
• Adjust as you learn
• Your poly can be unique

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Learning from Mistakes

They're Part of the Process

Reality:

• Most people make some of these mistakes
• Learning comes through experience
• Mistakes aren't moral failures
• Recovery is possible

How to Recover

When you mess up:

• Acknowledge it honestly
• Take responsibility
• Make amends where needed
• Learn and adjust

Growth Mindset

Remember:

• Everyone started somewhere
• Skills improve with practice
• Community and resources help
• You're not alone in this

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FAQ

I've already made several of these mistakes. Is my ENM doomed? Not at all. Recognizing mistakes is the first step to correcting them. Most successful poly people have made mistakes and learned from them.

How do I know which mistakes I'm making? Honest reflection, feedback from partners, and sometimes outside perspective (therapist, experienced community members) can help you see your blind spots.

What's the most important mistake to avoid? If we had to pick one: opening a struggling relationship hoping ENM will fix it. Build strong foundations first.

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Related Guides

• Your First Year in ENM: What to Expect
• What Successful ENM Actually Looks Like
• How to Have Difficult Conversations in Polyamory

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Mistakes Are Teachers

The goal isn't perfection—it's learning and growth. Every mistake is an opportunity to develop better skills and deeper understanding. Poise can help you navigate the conversations that come from learning as you go.