Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

"They're more attractive, more interesting, better in bed..."

Comparing yourself to your metamour (your partner's other partner) is one of the most common struggles in polyamory. Even when you know it's unhelpful, the comparisons keep coming.

This guide offers practical strategies for breaking the comparison cycle and building genuine security.

Why We Compare

It's Human Nature

Comparison is evolutionarily wired:

Assessing threats to resources (including partners)
Determining social standing
Seeking information about ourselves

In polyamory, this instinct goes into overdrive because there's a tangible "other" to compare against.

What Comparison Usually Masks

Surface comparison often covers:

Fear of abandonment
Low self-worth
Need for reassurance
Unmet needs in the relationship
Past relationship trauma

The metamour isn't really the issue—they're the screen onto which you project your fears.

The Comparison Trap

How It Works

You learn something about your metamour
Your brain highlights how they're "better" in some way
You feel worse about yourself
You seek information to compare again
Repeat

What You're Actually Comparing

Often unfair comparisons:

Their best features vs. your worst
What you imagine vs. what you know about yourself
Their social media presence vs. your inner experience
Cherry-picked highlights vs. your full reality

You're not comparing full people. You're comparing your complete self-knowledge against curated impressions.

Strategies to Stop Comparing

1. Notice Without Judgment

When you catch yourself comparing:

Name it: "I'm doing the comparison thing"
Don't shame yourself
Don't try to immediately fix it
Just observe

Awareness is the first step. Self-criticism adds another layer of suffering.

2. Limit Information

You might not need to know:

What they look like
Details about their dates
Your partner's praise of them
Their accomplishments or qualities

Ask yourself: Does this information help me, or just fuel comparison?

3. Challenge the Thoughts

When "they're better than me" appears:

Reality check: Is this objectively true? How do I know?

So what test: Even if true, does it mean I'll be abandoned?

Alternative explanation: Could my partner value different things in different people?

4. Focus on Your Relationship

Your relationship with your partner is:

Its own thing
Not in competition with their other relationships
Valuable regardless of what else they have

What your partner has with them doesn't diminish what they have with you. Relationships aren't pie.

5. Identify What You Actually Need

Comparison often signals unmet needs:

| Comparison thought | Possible underlying need | |-------------------|-------------------------| | "They're more attractive" | Reassurance that I'm desired | | "They're more fun" | More quality time/novelty | | "They're smarter" | To feel intellectually valued | | "They have more time together" | More priority/attention |

Address the need, not the comparison.

6. Build Your Own Worth

Your value isn't relative:

Focus on what you offer
Develop yourself independent of relationships
Remember what your partner loves about you
Maintain identity outside the relationship

7. Practice Gratitude

Shift from scarcity to abundance:

What do you appreciate about your relationship?
What does your partner give you?
What's going well?

Comparison thrives in scarcity mindset. Gratitude counters it.

When Your Partner Mentions Them

If Comments Trigger Comparison

It's okay to say:

"I'm working on comparison stuff. Could you be mindful about how you describe [metamour]? I don't need to hear all the praise right now."

What's Reasonable to Ask

Less detailed descriptions of dates
Avoiding direct comparisons
Mindfulness about public praise
Reassurance when you need it

What's Not Fair to Ask

Never mentioning them at all
Pretending they don't exist
Never expressing care for them
Suppressing their happiness

Getting to Know (or Not) Your Metamour

Sometimes More Information Helps

If you tend to imagine them as perfect:

Meeting them reveals they're human
Real information can replace fearful imagination
You might actually like them

Sometimes Distance Is Better

If information fuels comparison:

You don't have to be friends
Parallel poly is valid
You can have minimal contact
Knowledge isn't always helpful

There's no right answer—it's what works for you.

Talking to Your Partner

Asking for Reassurance

It's okay to need reassurance:

"I've been struggling with comparison lately. Can you remind me what you appreciate about me?"

What Good Reassurance Looks Like

Not: "You're better than them" (still comparison-based) But: "Here's what I specifically love about you and us"

Having a Larger Conversation

If comparison is persistent:

Talk about what you're experiencing
Discuss what might help
Explore if any relationship dynamics are contributing
Consider if therapy might help

When Comparison Signals Something Real

Sometimes It's Valid Information

Comparison might reveal:

You're genuinely getting less than you need
Your partner treats them better than you
The relationship isn't meeting your needs
Something is actually unfair

How to Tell the Difference

Unfounded comparison: Based on imagination and fear Valid concern: Based on concrete behaviors and patterns

If your partner consistently prioritizes them, cancels on you, or treats you measurably worse—that's not just comparison, that's a relationship problem.

Working on Deeper Issues

If Comparison Persists

Consider:

Individual therapy (especially for self-worth issues)
Couples therapy (for relationship dynamics)
Poly-specific support groups
Journaling and self-reflection

Building Long-Term Security

Security comes from:

Consistent positive experiences
Trust built over time
Internal self-worth work
A partner who shows up for you

Comparison tends to fade as security grows.

Related Guides

Communicate About What You Need

Comparison often signals unmet needs. Poise helps you identify what's underneath, ask for what you need, and have productive conversations with partners about insecurity and reassurance.

Download Poise and work through metamour comparison with support.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Metamours (2026 Guide)