Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Opening a relationship without clear boundaries is a recipe for hurt feelings, broken trust, and potential disaster. Good boundaries protect both your existing relationship and everyone you connect with.

This guide helps you create boundaries that actually work—protecting what matters while allowing space for genuine connection.

Boundaries vs. Rules

The Difference

Rules: Imposed restrictions ("You can't do X") Boundaries: Personal limits ("I'm not comfortable with X")

Example:

Rule: "You can't see them more than once a week"
Boundary: "I need us to have at least two nights together per week"

Rules control your partner's behavior. Boundaries protect your needs.

Why This Matters

Rules often breed resentment and loopholes
Boundaries invite collaboration
Rules are about control; boundaries are about care
Partners feel more respected with boundaries than rules

Both can exist in open relationships, but boundaries tend to be healthier long-term.

Common Boundary Categories

Time Boundaries

How you allocate time:

"I need X nights per week together"
"No staying out past [time] on work nights"
"We keep [specific day] for us"
"I need 24 hours notice before overnight dates"

Physical/Sexual Boundaries

What physical activities are okay:

Protection requirements
Activities reserved for your relationship
Testing and STI communication expectations
Whether certain acts are off-limits with others

Emotional Boundaries

Around feelings and connection:

How deep can outside relationships go?
Are you open to others falling in love?
What emotional support is reserved for primary relationship?
How do you handle NRE (new relationship energy)?

Information Boundaries

What you share:

How much detail do you want about outside encounters?
What must be disclosed? What's optional?
When do you share information (before, after, never)?
Privacy about others' personal details

Location/Space Boundaries

Where things happen:

Is your home okay for dates?
Your bed?
Specific spaces that are off-limits?
Public places you frequent together?

Social Boundaries

Around shared social circles:

Are friends/coworkers off-limits?
How do you handle social situations?
When/how do you introduce new partners?
How public is your open relationship?

Creating Your Boundaries

Start with Self-Reflection

Before negotiating with your partner, ask yourself:

What would genuinely hurt me?
What do I need to feel secure?
What am I actually flexible on?
What's a hard limit vs. a preference?

Have the Conversation

With your partner:

Each share what you need to feel safe
Identify where needs align
Discuss areas of difference
Find compromises that honor both
Document what you agree to

Questions to Discuss

What activities are okay? What's off-limits?
How much do we share with each other?
What safety practices are non-negotiable?
How do we handle scheduling conflicts?
What happens if feelings develop?
How do we check in about how this is going?

Essential Boundaries to Consider

Safer Sex Agreements

Non-negotiable health conversations:

Barrier use expectations
Testing frequency
Disclosure requirements
What happens if exposure occurs

Veto Power (Controversial)

Some couples include veto power—the ability to end a partner's outside relationship.

Arguments for: Security, last-resort protection Arguments against: Treats others as disposable, can be abused

If you include veto, define when it can be used and what makes it legitimate.

DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)

Some couples prefer not knowing details:

Can work for some people
Often causes problems long-term
Makes safety practices harder to verify
Can feel like "cheating with permission"

Most poly educators recommend at least basic disclosure.

Communicating Boundaries Clearly

Be Specific

Vague: "Don't get too serious with anyone else" Specific: "I'm comfortable with you having ongoing connections, but I need us to discuss before you use the word 'partner' or 'relationship' with someone"

Explain the Why

Instead of just stating the boundary, share what need it protects:

"I'm not comfortable with you bringing dates to our home yet. I need our space to feel like ours first, and I think I'll feel more okay with it after we've been open for a while and built more security."

Use "I" Statements

"I feel anxious when..." not "You make me anxious when..."
"I need..." not "You have to..."
"I'm not comfortable with..." not "You can't..."

When Boundaries Get Crossed

Accidental vs. Intentional

Not all boundary crossings are equal:

Accidental: Misunderstanding, gray area, heat of moment
Intentional: Knew the boundary, chose to ignore it

Both need to be addressed, but response differs.

How to Address It

Describe what happened (facts, not accusations)
Share how it affected you
Listen to their perspective
Decide together how to repair
Discuss if boundaries need clarifying

Repair and Rebuilding

After a crossing:

Take time to process
Allow for genuine apology
Discuss what would prevent recurrence
Consider if boundaries need adjusting
Rebuild trust gradually

Evolving Boundaries

Boundaries Should Change

As your open relationship matures:

What felt scary might become comfortable
What seemed okay might prove difficult
New situations require new agreements
Growth requires reassessment

Regular Check-Ins

Schedule boundary reviews:

Monthly for new open relationships
Quarterly for established ones
After significant experiences or changes

Questions for check-ins:

What's working well?
What's been difficult?
Do any boundaries need adjusting?
Are we both getting our needs met?

Red Flags in Boundary Setting

Watch Out For

Partner who refuses to discuss boundaries
"If you trusted me, you wouldn't need rules"
Boundaries that only restrict one person
Pressure to have no boundaries at all
Constantly moving goalposts

Healthy Signs

Mutual respect for limits
Willingness to discuss and compromise
Following through on agreements
Proactive communication about gray areas
Grace for honest mistakes

Related Guides

Communicate Boundaries Clearly

Setting boundaries is one thing—communicating them effectively is another. Poise helps you articulate what you need, have productive conversations about limits, and navigate the ongoing negotiation that open relationships require.

Download Poise and communicate your boundaries with confidence.

How to Set Boundaries in an Open Relationship (2026 Guide)