My Partner Is Dating Someone I Don't Like: What Now? (2026)

Your partner has a new connection, and something feels off. Maybe you've met them and they rubbed you the wrong way. Maybe you've just heard enough to know you wouldn't choose to be around this person. Either way, you're struggling—and you're not sure whether your feelings are legitimate concerns or something you need to work through.

This is one of the most common and most difficult situations in ENM. Let's untangle it.

First: What's Actually Bothering You?

Before taking action, get honest with yourself about the source of your discomfort.

Is It Actually About This Person?

Genuine concerns about a specific person might include:

• They've said or done things that seem disrespectful, dishonest, or harmful
• They treat your partner in ways that concern you
• Their values seem incompatible with your partner's stated values
• They've been unkind or dismissive toward you
• Your partner behaves differently (negatively) around them

Is It About Your Stuff?

Sometimes "I don't like them" is actually:

• Jealousy wearing a judgment costume
• Insecurity about your place in your partner's life
• Comparison and feeling "less than"
• Fear of losing time, attention, or priority
• Discomfort with change, even healthy change

Is It About Your Relationship?

Sometimes the new person surfaces pre-existing issues:

• Unresolved concerns about your partner's judgment
• Trust issues that existed before this person
• Communication problems that this situation amplifies
• Feeling undervalued that predates this connection

Being honest about the source changes what you do about it.

The Jealousy vs. Intuition Question

This is the hard part: sometimes "I don't like them" is jealousy masquerading as intuition, and sometimes it's genuine intuition that you're tempted to dismiss as jealousy.

Signs It Might Be Jealousy:

• You disliked them before you knew much about them
• Your concerns are vague or shift when examined
• You'd probably dislike anyone your partner dated right now
• The intensity of your feelings doesn't match the evidence
• You're not usually this judgmental about people

Signs It Might Be Intuition:

• You have specific, articulable concerns
• The concerns remain consistent over time
• Other people (not just you) have noticed similar things
• Your partner's behavior has changed in worrying ways
• You'd have these concerns regardless of your relationship to this person

Sometimes it's both. Jealousy can exist alongside legitimate concerns.

Having the Conversation

If you've done the internal work and still have concerns, it's time to talk to your partner.

Frame It Carefully

Start with your experience, not accusations:

"I want to talk about something that's been on my mind. I'm having some feelings about [person] that I want to share with you. I've tried to figure out if this is my stuff or something real, and I want to talk it through."

Not:

"I don't like [person] and I think you should stop seeing them."

Be Specific

Vague concerns are easy to dismiss. Be concrete:

"When they said [specific thing], it concerned me because..." "I've noticed that when you come back from seeing them, you seem [specific observation]..." "The way they talked about their ex gave me pause because..."

Own Your Uncertainty

If you're not sure whether it's jealousy or intuition, say so:

"I'm honestly not 100% sure if this is about them or about my own stuff. But I wanted to bring it to you so we could think about it together."

Ask Questions

Instead of demanding action, ask what you need to understand:

"Can you help me understand what you see in them that I might be missing?" "Have you noticed [specific behavior]? What's your read on it?" "How do you feel when you're with them?"

What Your Partner Might Say

Prepare for various responses:

"You're just jealous."

This is dismissive and unhelpful. If your partner says this, push back gently:

"I've considered that possibility, which is why I did a lot of thinking before bringing this up. Even if some jealousy is present, I'd still like you to hear my specific concerns."

"I hear you, and I'll think about it."

This is healthy. Give them space to reflect, then follow up.

"I've noticed some of those things too."

This opens productive conversation about what, if anything, to do about it.

"I disagree, but I want to understand your perspective."

This is mature. Share more, listen to their view, and see where you land together.

"You don't get to control who I date."

This is true but might be defensive. Clarify that you're not trying to control, but to share and understand.

What You Can and Can't Ask For

Reasonable Requests:

• More information about the person and the connection
• To share your feelings and be heard
• To process this together
• For your partner to consider your perspective
• To meet the person (if you haven't)
• For patience while you work through your feelings
• To revisit agreements that feel relevant

Unreasonable Requests (Usually):

• Demanding your partner end the relationship
• Forbidding your partner from seeing someone
• Requiring them to "choose"
• Insisting your judgment override theirs about their own relationships

The line between input and control matters. You can share your perspective; you can't dictate their choices.

What If Your Partner Continues the Relationship?

Your partner listened, considered your concerns, and decided to continue seeing this person. Now what?

Accept That It's Their Choice

Your partner is an adult making their own decisions about their own relationships. Even if you disagree, respect their autonomy.

Decide What You Need

What boundaries or accommodations would help you?

• Limited information about this person?
• More information?
• Not spending time with them together?
• More quality time with your partner?
• Reassurance about your relationship?

Work on Your Stuff

If jealousy is part of this (even if not all of it), do the work:

• Therapy or coaching
• Journaling about your triggers
• Self-soothing practices
• Building security independent of this situation

Watch for Actual Problems

Sometimes intuition proves right. If your concerns were valid, evidence will emerge over time:

• Your partner is hurt by this person
• Agreements are broken
• The relationship affects your partner negatively

If this happens, you can revisit the conversation with new information.

Consider Your Limits

If you truly cannot accept this relationship, that's information about your limits. You might need to:

• Request different agreements
• Seek couples counseling
• Evaluate whether this partnership works for you

This is a last resort, not a first response.

When Your Concerns Are Validated

Sometimes you were right. Your partner's metamour turns out to be problematic—they lie, manipulate, or treat people badly. Your partner sees it eventually.

Be Gracious

Resist "I told you so." Your partner is likely already feeling bad about not seeing it sooner.

"I'm sorry this happened. How are you doing? What do you need from me?"

Rebuild Trust

If your concerns were dismissed and you were right, address that dynamic:

"I want to feel like my perspective will be taken seriously in the future, even when it's uncomfortable. Can we talk about what happened and how to handle things differently?"

When You Were Wrong

Sometimes your initial reaction was jealousy, and the person turns out to be fine. Maybe even great.

Acknowledge It

"I want to own that I misjudged [person]. After spending more time with them / learning more / working through my stuff, I see them differently."

Learn From It

What can you take forward?

• How to distinguish jealousy from intuition
• How to communicate concerns more effectively
• How to manage initial reactions before acting on them

The Parallel Poly Option

If you genuinely cannot connect with or tolerate a metamour, parallel polyamory might be the answer:

• Your partner maintains both relationships separately
• You don't interact with this person
• You receive limited information about them
• Your relationship with your partner exists independent of theirs

This isn't avoidance—it's a valid structure. Some people practice parallel poly by default, not just when problems arise.

Red Lines: When to Escalate

Some situations warrant stronger responses than "work through your feelings":

• Your partner is being abused or manipulated (not just your opinion—observable patterns)
• The person poses a genuine safety threat
• Your partner's behavior is breaking agreements that affect you
• Children or other dependents are at risk

These situations require direct conversation, possible intervention, and potentially outside help.

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FAQ

Do I have the right to dislike my metamours? Yes. You don't have to like everyone your partner dates. But you do need to manage your feelings without controlling your partner.

What if I've never met them and already don't like them? That's worth examining. Pre-judgment based on limited information is often jealousy or fear rather than genuine assessment.

Should I meet a metamour I don't think I'll like? Often yes. Direct experience is better than imagination. You might be surprised—or you might confirm your concerns, which is also useful.

What if my partner always picks people I don't like? That's a pattern worth discussing. Either you need to work on accepting differences, or there's something about your partner's choices that genuinely concerns you.

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Processing difficult feelings about your partner's relationships is hard. Poise can help you find the right words to share what you're experiencing clearly and kindly.