Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

You had the fight. Maybe it was a big blow-up, maybe a cold withdrawal, maybe a painful conversation that went wrong. Now what?

In ethical non-monogamy, conflict can feel especially loaded—there are more dynamics, more potential injuries, more complexity. But repair is just as possible, and just as important. Here's how to do it well.

Why Repair Matters

Conflict Is Normal

All relationships have conflict. It doesn't mean:

You're incompatible
The relationship is failing
You're bad at ENM
Something is fundamentally broken

Conflict is information and opportunity. What you do with it determines the relationship's health.

Unrepaired Conflict Compounds

Left unaddressed, conflict:

Creates resentment
Erodes trust
Builds walls
Becomes patterns
Eventually destroys relationships

Repair prevents accumulation.

Repair Builds Intimacy

Successfully navigating conflict together can actually strengthen relationships:

You learn you can survive difficulty
You understand each other better
Trust deepens through resolution
You develop shared repair practices

When to Start Repair

Not Immediately (Usually)

Right after conflict, emotions are still activated:

You may not be thinking clearly
Things could escalate again
Processing hasn't happened yet
The nervous system needs to settle

How to Create Space

"I need some time before we try to talk about this again. Can we take a few hours/until tomorrow?"

"I'm not ready to discuss this yet. I want to repair, and I want to do it when I can be thoughtful about it."

Signs You're Ready

Your body has calmed (not racing heart, tense muscles)
You can think about the conflict without flooding
You're interested in resolution, not winning
You can consider their perspective
You want connection more than you want to be right

The Repair Process

Step 1: Reconnect Before Discussing

Before diving into content, reconnect:

Physical reconnection (if welcome):

Sitting together
Gentle touch
Eye contact
Proximity

Emotional reconnection:

"I don't like when things are hard between us. I want to work through this together."

"I love you and I want to get back to feeling connected. Can we try?"

This establishes that you're approaching repair as partners, not adversaries.

Step 2: Acknowledge What Happened

State what occurred without relitigating:

"We had a fight about [topic]. Things got heated. I said some things I regret."

"The conversation about [subject] didn't go well. I want to address the damage."

Acknowledgment shows you're both aware of what needs repair.

Step 3: Take Responsibility (Your Part)

Own what you did:

What you said that wasn't okay
How your behavior contributed
The impact you had

Not:

"I'm sorry you felt..."
"I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't..."
"Sorry, but you were also wrong"

Yes:

"I raised my voice and said things that were hurtful. That wasn't okay regardless of how I was feeling. I'm sorry for that."

"I shut down and withdrew, which left you hanging. I know that's hard for you and I regret responding that way."

Step 4: Validate Their Experience

Acknowledge how they felt without defending yourself:

"I can see that what I said really hurt you. That makes sense—those were harsh words."

"You felt dismissed and unheard. I understand why, given how I responded."

Validation doesn't mean agreeing you were entirely wrong. It means acknowledging their emotional reality.

Step 5: Listen to Their Side

Give them space to share:

Without interrupting
Without getting defensive
Without planning your rebuttal
With genuine curiosity

Prompts:

"How are you feeling about what happened?" "What did you need from me that you didn't get?" "Is there more you need me to understand?"

Step 6: Discuss What Happened (If Needed)

Sometimes understanding the content helps prevent recurrence:

"I want to understand where we got off track. Can we talk about what happened without getting back into the conflict?"

Focus on:

What triggered the escalation
Where communication broke down
What you each were trying to say
What needs weren't getting met

Avoid:

Determining who was "right"
Proving your point
Winning the original argument

Step 7: Identify What Would Help Going Forward

Discuss:

What could have gone differently?
What do you each need in future conflicts?
Are there agreements to revisit?
What will you try next time?

Example:

"I realize I need to take a break before I get to the point of yelling. Can we agree that either of us can call a pause when things are escalating?"

Step 8: Reconnect and Close

End the repair intentionally:

"I'm glad we talked about this. I feel closer to you now."

"Thank you for being willing to work through this with me. I love you."

Some couples have rituals: a hug, a shared activity, a physical reconnection.

Types of Repair Conversations

After a Heated Fight

When things got loud, angry, or hurtful:

Focus on the damage done
Acknowledge specific harmful words/actions
Work on de-escalation agreements for future

After a Cold Conflict

When one or both withdrew, shut down, or went silent:

Acknowledge the disconnection
Explore what drove the withdrawal
Discuss how to stay present in conflict

After a Boundary Violation

When something was crossed:

Take clear responsibility
Understand the impact
Recommit to the boundary
Discuss prevention

After a Values Clash

When you disagreed on something fundamental:

Acknowledge the disagreement
Find where you do align
Determine if this is a dealbreaker or difference to navigate
Agree on how to handle the ongoing difference

ENM-Specific Repair

When the Conflict Involves a Metamour

If your fight was about your partner's other relationship:

Don't:

Make demands about that relationship as "repair"
Use the repair to relitigate the original issue
Require changes to their other relationship

Do:

Focus on what you need from your partner
Acknowledge your feelings without blaming the metamour
Repair your relationship separately from their other one

When the Conflict Affects Multiple Relationships

If what happened touched multiple partners:

Consider:

Who needs direct repair from you?
What's yours to repair vs. your partner's?
Should repairs happen separately or together?

When It's About ENM Itself

If you're fighting about polyamory, boundaries, or structure:

The repair:

Acknowledge where you each stand
Determine if there's genuine incompatibility
Find what you can agree on
Accept that some differences may persist

When Repair Is Hard

If They Won't Engage

If your partner isn't ready or willing:

Give them time (but set reasonable limits)
Express your desire for repair clearly
Ask what they need to be ready
Recognize you can't force it

If It Keeps Happening

If you're repairing the same conflict repeatedly:

The underlying issue isn't being addressed
You may need outside help (therapist, mediator)
Consider if this is a compatibility issue
Look at patterns, not just incidents

If Trust Is Damaged

For serious breaches:

Repair takes longer
Actions matter more than words
Trust rebuilds through consistent behavior
Some damage requires professional help

If You Can't Forgive

If you're stuck in resentment:

Consider what you need to let go
Therapy can help process
Recognize that unforgiveness hurts you too
Some things may be unforgivable—that's information

Repair Scripts

Taking Responsibility

"I want to own my part in what happened. I [specific behavior] and I can see how that [impact]. I'm sorry, and I'm committed to doing better."

Asking for Repair

"I don't want this distance between us. I know we need to work through what happened. Can we find a time to talk and try to repair?"

Checking In

"How are you feeling about us after our fight? I want to make sure we've actually worked through it, not just moved past it."

Closing Repair

"I appreciate you being willing to have this conversation. I feel like we understand each other better now. I love you."

Building a Repair Culture

Regular Check-Ins

Don't wait for conflict to communicate:

Weekly or bi-weekly relationship check-ins
Addressing small issues before they grow
Normalizing feedback and discussion

Repair Agreements

Establish how you'll handle repair:

Time limits on silence after conflict
Agreements about who initiates
Safe words for de-escalation
Commitment to not going to bed angry (or modified version)

Celebrate Repair

When you successfully navigate conflict:

Acknowledge it
Note what worked
Feel the strengthened connection

FAQ

How long should I wait before trying to repair? Long enough to be calm, not so long that distance solidifies. Hours to a day is typical; longer gaps risk resentment.

What if they won't apologize? You can repair your part regardless of their apology. But ongoing refusal to take responsibility is concerning.

Can some conflicts not be repaired? Yes. Fundamental incompatibilities, repeated betrayals, or unwillingness to engage may make repair impossible.

Should we always process conflict together? Not necessarily. Some individual processing helps. But relationship repair requires shared conversation.

Related Guides

Repair Is a Skill

The ability to come back together after conflict defines relationship success. Poise can help you find the words for repair—so you can move forward stronger.