When Your Partners Are in Conflict (2026)

When your partners are in conflict with each other, you're in an impossible-feeling position. You care about both, you want peace, and you're stuck in the middle.

Here's how to navigate when your partners are fighting.

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Why This Is So Hard

You Love Both

The core difficulty:

• You care about both people
• Both are hurt
• Both may want your support
• Both may expect you to take their side

No Perfect Solution

Reality:

• You can't make everyone happy
• Someone may be disappointed
• There may not be a clean resolution
• This just sucks

You're Affected Too

Remember:

• This impacts your wellbeing
• You have your own feelings
• You're not just a bystander
• Your needs matter

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Your Role (and Limits)

What You Can Do

Helpful actions:

• Encourage direct communication between them
• Offer perspective when asked
• Support both emotionally (carefully)
• Model good conflict resolution

What You Shouldn't Do

Avoid:

• Taking sides definitively
• Being the constant messenger
• Trying to fix it for them
• Forcing resolution on your timeline

What You Can't Control

Accept:

• They have to resolve their own conflict
• You can't make them get along
• Some things aren't fixable
• Their feelings are theirs

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Encouraging Direct Communication

Why Direct Is Better

When possible:

• They work it out themselves
• You're not in the middle
• More likely to stick
• Healthier for everyone

How to Encourage

Say things like:

• "I think you should talk to them directly about this"
• "I can share my perspective, but they need to hear from you"
• "Would you be willing to have a conversation with them?"
• "I'll support you, but I can't be the messenger"

When Direct Isn't Possible

If they can't or won't:

• You may need to relay some things
• But minimize this role
• Set limits on how much
• Push toward direct when possible

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Managing Both Relationships

Separate Time and Conversations

Treat separately:

• Each relationship on its own terms
• Don't constantly talk about the conflict
• Have non-conflict time with each
• Your relationship isn't just about them

Avoid Triangulation

Don't:

• Badmouth one to the other
• Share things said in confidence
• Create alliances
• Play them against each other

Fairness (Not Identical Treatment)

Be fair:

• Hear both sides
• Don't automatically side with one
• Give both your support

But not necessarily identical:

• Different needs get different responses
• Context matters
• True neutrality may not be possible or appropriate

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When They Want You to Choose

Handling "Them or Me"

If ultimatums come:

• Push back gently
• "I won't choose, but I understand you're hurting"
• Explore what's really behind the ultimatum
• Don't make crisis decisions

When You Do Have Opinions

You may have views on:

• Who's more "right"
• What would help
• What behavior is unacceptable

Share carefully:

• Be honest but diplomatic
• Own it as your perspective
• Don't weaponize your view
• Remember you have incomplete information

Protecting Your Position

You can say:

• "I love you both and won't choose between you"
• "I need you to work this out without putting me in the middle"
• "I'm happy to support each of you, but not to be the battleground"

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Self-Care While in the Middle

Recognize Your Stress

You're experiencing:

• Divided loyalties
• Emotional labor
• Conflict exposure
• Relationship stress

Set Your Limits

Protect yourself:

• Limit how much you engage with the conflict
• Take breaks from discussing it
• Maintain your own wellbeing
• Have your own support system

Get Your Own Support

Turn to:

• Friends not involved
• Therapist
• Community support
• Anyone who can support you

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When Things Don't Resolve

Accepting Ongoing Tension

Sometimes:

• They won't be close
• Tension remains
• Parallel becomes necessary
• That's the new normal

Managing Long-Term

If unresolved:

• Minimize their interaction
• Protect your relationships individually
• Accept the limits
• Find workable arrangements

Impact on Your Relationships

Consider:

• Is this sustainable for you?
• What support do you need?
• Are your relationships suffering?
• What might need to change?

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When It Affects Your Relationships

Conflict Bleeding Over

If their conflict:

• Creates conflict in your relationships
• Makes one or both hard to be with
• Becomes the dominant topic

Address it:

• "I need us to talk about other things too"
• "This conflict is affecting our relationship"
• "I need support, not just more conflict"

Evaluating Sustainability

Ask yourself:

• Can I maintain both relationships like this?
• Is this affecting my mental health?
• What would need to change?
• What are my limits?

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FAQ

Should I try to mediate between my partners? You can facilitate conversation, but formal mediation might be better done by a neutral party. Don't take full responsibility for resolution.

What if one partner is clearly "wrong"? You can share your perspective, but be careful about definitively taking sides. Focus on behavior and impact rather than right/wrong.

Can I require them to get along? You can't force feelings, but you can set boundaries about behavior (no badmouthing, civil when together, etc.).

What if this makes me want to end one relationship? If handling this reveals incompatibilities or dealbreakers, that's valid. Don't make decisions in crisis, but take your feelings seriously.

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Related Guides

• Resolving Conflict with Metamours
• Boundaries with Metamours
• Self-Soothing Skills for Polyamory

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Being in the Middle Is Hard

There's no perfect way to handle partners in conflict. Do your best to support both while protecting yourself, and remember that you can't fix what's between them. Poise helps you communicate clearly with everyone involved.