How to Avoid Unicorn Hunting on Feeld (2026)
Are you accidentally unicorn hunting? Learn the signs, why it's problematic, and how to date as a couple on Feeld ethically.
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"Unicorn hunting" is one of the most criticized behaviors in ENM communities—and many couples don't even realize they're doing it. If you're a couple on Feeld, understanding what unicorn hunting actually is (and isn't) helps you date ethically and attract better matches.
This guide explains the problem and shows you how to be the kind of couple that experienced ENM folks actually want to date.
What Is Unicorn Hunting?
Unicorn hunting refers to a couple seeking a third person (the "unicorn") under problematic conditions:
- The third is expected to date both partners equally
- The third has no say in relationship structure
- The couple maintains all the power
- The third is treated as an addition, not a full person
- Rules and vetoes favor the couple over the third
Why "unicorn"? Because what couples often want—a bisexual person equally attracted to both partners, sexually available, emotionally supportive, but not threatening to the primary relationship—is about as rare and mythical as an actual unicorn.
Signs You Might Be Unicorn Hunting
Be honest with yourself. Do any of these apply?
1. You Expect Equal Attraction
The sign: "Our third must be equally into both of us."
The problem: Attraction doesn't work that way. Forcing equal feelings creates pressure and inauthenticity.
The fix: Accept that connections develop naturally. Your third might click more with one partner, and that's okay.
2. You Have Couple Privilege Baked In
The sign: "If things get hard, we'll prioritize our relationship."
The problem: The third knows they're disposable. They're taking all the emotional risk.
The fix: Acknowledge that all relationships (including theirs with you) have value and deserve care.
3. You Want a Package Deal Only
The sign: "They have to date both of us, together, always."
The problem: You're not offering a relationship—you're offering a role to fill.
The fix: Be open to individual connections developing. Let the dynamic find its shape.
4. You Have Veto Power
The sign: "Either of us can end it at any time, no questions asked."
The problem: The third has no security. Their relationship can be terminated without their input.
The fix: Commit to communication. If issues arise, everyone gets a voice.
5. You're Looking for a Relationship Band-Aid
The sign: "Maybe a third will fix our problems / bring us closer / save our sex life."
The problem: You're using someone else to avoid addressing your issues.
The fix: Work on your relationship first. Add people from abundance, not deficit.
6. You Use Possessive Language
The sign: "Looking for OUR third" / "Join OUR relationship" / "Become part of US"
The problem: This language centers the couple and positions the third as an accessory.
The fix: "Looking for someone who might connect with us" / "Interested in building something new together"
Why People Avoid Unicorn Hunters
Experienced ENM folks have learned to spot and avoid unicorn hunters because:
It's an unequal power dynamic - The couple holds all the cards
The third is often treated poorly - Disposed of when inconvenient
Emotional labor is one-sided - The third supports the couple; the couple doesn't support them back
It rarely ends well - For the third, at least
It suggests inexperience - Couples who've done the work don't behave this way
The Ethical Alternative
Treat the Third as a Full Person
They're not an addition to your relationship—they're a person forming relationships with each of you.
This means:
- Respecting their time and other commitments
- Valuing their input on relationship structure
- Caring about their needs, not just yours
- Not expecting them to be available whenever you want
Offer Real Relationships
What are you actually offering?
Not great: "You get to have sex with both of us!" Better: "Two people who genuinely want to know you and build something meaningful."
If you can't articulate what's in it for them beyond sex, reconsider.
Be Flexible
The best triad/V dynamics evolve organically:
- Connections develop at different speeds
- Individual relationships may look different
- The structure might change over time
- That's healthy, not threatening
Do Your Own Work
Before involving a third:
- Is your relationship solid on its own?
- Have you processed your insecurities?
- Do you communicate well together?
- Can you handle jealousy constructively?
Bringing in a third won't fix problems—it amplifies them.
How to Signal You're Not Unicorn Hunters
In Your Profile
Show individual identity:
- Each partner has their own complete profile
- You're linked, not sharing one account
- Both bios show personality beyond "we're a couple"
Use inclusive language:
- "Looking to meet someone who might click with us"
- "Open to seeing how connections develop"
- "Interested in genuine connection, whatever form that takes"
State your ethics:
- "We understand every person deserves respect and agency"
- "Not looking to add someone to our relationship—looking to build new ones"
In Conversation
Ask about them:
- Their interests, life, other relationships
- What they're looking for
- Their past experiences (especially with couples)
Share thoughtfully:
- How you approach ENM
- What you've learned from past experiences
- Your expectations and flexibility
Respond to concerns:
- If they ask hard questions, answer honestly
- Acknowledge unicorn hunting exists
- Show you've thought about these issues
Transforming Your Approach
From Unicorn Hunting to Ethical Dating
| Unicorn Hunting | Ethical Approach | |----------------|------------------| | "Join our relationship" | "Let's build something together" | | "Must date both of us equally" | "Let's see how connections develop" | | "We can veto anytime" | "We'll communicate through challenges" | | "Looking for our third" | "Looking to meet someone great" | | "Fill this role" | "Be yourself with us" |
Questions to Ask Yourselves
- Would we want to be treated the way we're treating potential thirds?
- Are we offering something we'd find appealing if roles were reversed?
- Have we done our emotional homework?
- Can we handle this dynamic being messy and unpredictable?
When You've Made Mistakes
If you recognize past unicorn hunting behavior:
It's okay. Many couples start here. What matters is learning.
Don't beat yourselves up. Focus on doing better going forward.
Consider reaching out. If you ended things poorly with someone, a genuine apology (without expectations) can mean something.
Keep growing. Read, talk to experienced ENM folks, keep examining your assumptions.
Finding Your People
When you're genuinely ethical, you attract people who are:
- Experienced and thoughtful about ENM
- Looking for real connection
- Willing to invest in something meaningful
- Likely to treat you well in return
It's a better pool than the one unicorn hunters fish from.
Communicate Better as a Couple
Dating ethically requires good communication—with each other and with potential thirds. Poise helps couples navigate these conversations clearly and kindly.
Ready to level up your conversations?
Poise is your AI dating coach for Feeld and the ENM community. Get personalized message suggestions that feel authentic to you.