Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Couples looking for a third have a reputation problem. "Unicorn hunting" has become synonymous with treating single people as accessories rather than full humans—and many experienced ENM folks are rightfully wary.

But wanting to date as a couple isn't inherently unethical. The difference is in how you approach it. This guide covers how to use Feeld to find a third in a way that's respectful, honest, and actually attractive to the kind of people you want to meet.

Why "Unicorn Hunting" Gets a Bad Name

Before fixing the problem, understand what you're avoiding:

Classic unicorn hunter behaviors:

Treating the third as an addition to your relationship rather than a person
Expecting the third to date both of you equally with no independent relationships
Having a "veto" where either partner can end things unilaterally
Expecting more emotional labor from the third than you give
Disappearing when the relationship becomes inconvenient
Prioritizing the couple's comfort over the third's needs

Why people avoid couples:

Past bad experiences with the above
Feeling like a sex toy rather than a person
Being disposed of when the couple has issues
Unequal power dynamics
Lack of respect for their autonomy

The Ethical Alternative

Ethical couple dating means:

Treating the Third as a Full Person

They have their own:

Needs and boundaries
Time constraints and priorities
Other relationships (potentially)
Right to say no to anything
Value beyond what they add to your relationship

Offering Something Real

What are you actually offering a third?

Two people who care about their wellbeing?
Genuine connection and good times?
Flexibility in how the relationship develops?
Respect for their autonomy?

If you can't articulate what's in it for them, reconsider your approach.

Being Flexible About Structure

The best couple-third dynamics often look different than expected:

The third might connect more with one partner
Relationships might develop at different speeds
Group activities might not be the main event
The dynamic will evolve over time

Rigid expectations ("we all have to do everything together always") are red flags.

Setting Up Your Feeld Profiles

Both Partners Need Quality Profiles

Don't create one shared profile—use Feeld's pairing feature:

Each partner creates an individual profile
Link your profiles together
Both profiles should be complete and compelling

Why individual profiles matter:

Shows you're both real, invested people
Potential thirds can learn about each of you
Signals you understand how Feeld works
Feels less like being approached by an entity

What Each Profile Needs

Photos:

Clear individual photos of each person
At least one photo together
Each person should look good (not just one partner)

Bio:

Who you are as an individual
Brief mention of your couple situation
What you're looking for
Something that invites conversation

Desires:

Singles (if seeking individuals)
Threesome (if applicable)
Open relationship
Whatever accurately describes what you want

For more profile setup, see our Feeld for couples guide.

Your Bio: What to Say

Be Honest About Your Situation

Include:

That you're a couple
How long you've been together
Your experience level with ENM
What you're genuinely looking for

Example:

Together 5 years, exploring ENM for 2. We date together and separately—looking for someone who might enjoy both. No pressure on what that becomes.

Be Clear About Flexibility

Signal that you're not rigid:

We've learned that the best connections have their own shape. Open to seeing what develops.

Looking for connection first, and we'll figure out what that looks like together.

Avoid Red Flag Language

Don't say:

"Looking for our third" (possessive)
"Must be attracted to both of us equally" (unrealistic)
"No drama" (dismissive)
"Looking for a unicorn" (even ironically, it's a red flag)

Do say:

"Looking for someone who might click with us"
"Open to connections developing naturally"
"Interested in people who want to get to know both of us"

Approaching Potential Thirds

First Message Matters

Your opening message should:

Be from one person (not "we")
Reference something specific from their profile
Not immediately mention sex or threesomes
Treat them like a person you want to know

Bad opener:

Hey! We think you're hot. Want to join us? 😏

Better opener:

Hi! I noticed you're into hiking too—have you done any good trails lately? I'm [name], partnered with [partner]. Thought your profile was great and wanted to say hi.

When to Mention the Couple Situation

If your profiles are paired, they already know. You can:

Let them bring it up
Mention naturally in conversation
Answer questions honestly when asked

Don't make every message about your couple status.

Responding to Questions

Common questions you'll get:

"What are you looking for?"
"How does this work with your partner?"
"Do you date separately?"
"What happens if one of you catches feelings?"

Have thoughtful answers ready. Vague responses signal you haven't thought this through.

Building an Ethical Dynamic

Early Conversations Should Establish

What everyone is looking for
How communication will work
Whether separate connections are okay
How you'll handle challenges
That the third can always set boundaries

Ongoing Practices

Check in with the third about their experience
Don't gang up in disagreements
Give the third space to connect with each partner
Respect their other relationships and time
Be responsive to feedback

Red Flags You Might Be Missing

Ask yourselves:

Are we treating [third] the same way we'd want to be treated?
Would we be comfortable if the roles were reversed?
Is [third] getting as much out of this as we are?
Are we making assumptions about their availability?

What Ethical Thirds Are Looking For

People open to dating couples typically want:

Genuine connection - Not just being a sexual experience

Respect for their time - Not assumed to be always available

Clear communication - Knowing where they stand

Flexibility - Room for the relationship to be what it is

Safety - Emotional and physical

Autonomy - Not being controlled or possessed

If you can offer these things, say so in your profile and demonstrate them in your behavior.

Handling Challenges

When There's Unequal Connection

It's common for a third to connect more with one partner. Options:

Accept that relationships develop differently
Give space for individual connections
Don't force equal feelings
Communicate openly about dynamics

Don't: Make the third feel guilty for natural chemistry

When Your Relationship Has Issues

Your couple problems shouldn't become the third's problems:

Don't use them as a relationship band-aid
Don't put them in the middle of conflicts
Don't disappear when things get hard
Be honest if you need to pause

When It's Not Working

End things ethically:

Have real conversations (not just ghosting)
Acknowledge their feelings
Thank them for the time you shared
Don't blame them for couple issues

The Long Game

Building a reputation as ethical couple daters:

Word travels in ENM communities
Past thirds may recommend you to friends
Your behavior now affects future options
Being ethical is its own reward

Finding Your Person

Ethical couple dating is harder than treating people like objects—but it's the only approach that leads to genuinely good connections.

Poise helps couples write profiles that attract the right people and navigate conversations about tricky dynamics. Because finding a third is hard enough without communication struggles.

Download Poise and approach couple dating ethically.

Feeld for Couples Looking for a Third (Ethically) (2026)