Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Many people struggle to clearly state what they want in dating. They hedge, apologize, or stay vague—hoping others will guess their desires or that wanting "too much" won't scare people away.

But owning what you want is essential to finding it.

Why We Hide What We Want

Fear of Rejection

We worry:

"If I say what I want, they'll leave"
"I'll seem too demanding"
"They won't want the same thing"
"I'll narrow my options"

People-Pleasing

We're taught:

Be accommodating
Don't be too much
Flexible is attractive
Wanting things is selfish

Uncertainty

Sometimes:

We genuinely don't know what we want
We're afraid to admit it to ourselves
Saying it makes it real
What if we're wrong?

The Cost of Not Owning It

Wasting Time

When you're vague:

You attract mismatched people
Connections lead nowhere
You stay in wrong situations
Finding fits takes longer

Building Resentment

When you don't state needs:

Others can't meet them
You blame them anyway
Frustration builds
Relationships suffer

Losing Yourself

When you hide what you want:

You shape yourself to others
Authenticity disappears
You become performative
Connection stays shallow

Attracting Wrong People

Vagueness attracts:

People who'd leave if they knew
Incompatible matches
Those who want different things
Relationship dead ends

Getting Clear on What You Want

Give Yourself Permission

Start by allowing:

It's okay to want things
Your desires are valid
You don't have to justify
Wanting doesn't mean demanding

Explore Honestly

Ask yourself:

What kind of relationship do I want?
What's essential vs. nice-to-have?
What are my dealbreakers?
What does my ideal look like?

Be Specific

Go beyond:

"Someone nice"
"We'll see where it goes"
"I'm open to whatever"

Toward:

"I'm looking for a long-term partner"
"I want casual connections without relationship escalation"
"I'm interested in exploring polyamory"

Accept It May Evolve

Know that:

What you want can change
Learning through experience is okay
Clarity develops over time
You're not locked in forever

Owning It Internally First

Accepting Your Desires

Work through:

Shame about what you want
Feeling like it's too much
Worrying you're unrealistic
Judgment of your own desires

Validating Yourself

Remind yourself:

Your wants matter
You deserve what you're seeking
There's nothing wrong with having preferences
Specificity helps, not hurts

Normalizing Your Needs

Whether you want:

Commitment and marriage
Casual connections only
ENM or polyamory
Specific dynamics or activities

All are valid.

Communicating What You Want

On Dating Profiles

Be clear:

State relationship style preference
Mention key interests/desires
Don't hide what you're looking for
Let people self-select

In Early Conversations

Bring it up:

"What are you looking for on here?"
"I'm looking for [specific thing]"
"I want to make sure we're on the same page"
Share your desires, not just ask about theirs

With Confidence

How to say it:

Direct and matter-of-fact
Without excessive apologizing
As information, not negotiation
Confident but not aggressive

Examples

Try:

"I'm looking for something serious and long-term"
"I'm interested in ENM and currently have a partner"
"I'm exploring casual connections right now"
"I'm interested in kink and specifically [interest]"

Handling Responses

When They Want the Same

Great!

Proceed with aligned expectations
Keep communication open
Verify alignment continues
Enjoy the match

When They Want Different

This is good information:

You've saved everyone time
Not compatible isn't personal
Wish them well and move on
It worked exactly as intended

When They're Unsure

Decide how to proceed:

Some exploration is fine
Don't wait indefinitely
They need to figure it out
You can't convince someone to want what you want

When They React Poorly

Red flag:

Judgment about your desires
Trying to talk you out of them
Making you feel bad for knowing what you want
These aren't your people

Owning Less Common Desires

ENM/Polyamory

Own it by:

Stating it clearly early
Not apologizing for it
Not hiding it hoping they'll come around
Knowing it filters well

Kink Interests

Own it by:

Being appropriately specific
Finding right spaces and apps
Vetting for compatibility
Not being ashamed

Specific Relationship Structures

Whatever you want:

Non-escalator relationships
Living apart
Specific dynamics
Unconventional arrangements

State clearly and stand by it.

When Your Wants Seem "Too Much"

Challenge That Thought

Ask:

Says who?
What's the evidence?
Are others getting what I want?
Is this my fear talking?

Right Person Will Want It Too

Remember:

You don't need everyone
You need compatible people
Your person won't think it's too much
Better to filter early

Negotiable vs. Non-Negotiable

Know the difference:

Core needs vs. preferences
Essential vs. nice-to-have
What you can flex on
What you can't

Maintaining Ownership

Don't Backtrack

Once you've stated something:

Don't take it back when challenged
Don't minimize to seem more appealing
Stand by what you said
Okay to clarify, not okay to abandon

Check In with Yourself

Over time:

Are you still getting what you wanted?
Have you slipped into accommodation?
Are your needs being met?
Have you stayed true to yourself?

Update as Needed

It's okay to:

Realize you want something different
Change your mind with new information
Evolve as you grow
Communicate new desires

FAQ

What if I'm not sure what I want? That's okay—explore. But own that exploration: "I'm figuring out what I want" is honest and ownable.

Won't being too specific limit my options? It limits your options to compatible people, which is the point. Lots of incompatible options isn't actually helpful.

What if what I want is unusual? There are others who want it too. The more specific your desire, the more important it is to state clearly to find your people.

How do I own what I want without being rigid? Know what's essential versus preference. Be firm on core needs, flexible on details. Communicate both.

Related Guides

Your Desires Deserve Voice

Knowing and stating what you want isn't demanding—it's honest. The right people will appreciate your clarity. Poise helps you communicate your desires with confidence.