Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

"Unicorn hunter" is one of the worst labels you can earn in ENM spaces. But many couples get this reputation without understanding why—or how to do better.

Here's what unicorn hunting actually is, why it's harmful, and how couples can date ethically instead.

What Is Unicorn Hunting?

The Definition

Unicorn hunting is when a couple seeks a (typically bi woman) "third" in ways that:

Prioritize the couple over the new person
Treat the third as an addition, not an equal
Impose rules that benefit the couple at the third's expense
View the third as a fantasy fulfillment rather than a person

Why "Unicorn"?

They're called unicorns because what couples want is so rare it's essentially mythical:

Attractive to both partners equally
Available for both but no one else
No existing commitments that compete
Happy to accept lesser status

These expectations are unrealistic and often harmful.

Why It's Problematic

Power Imbalance

The couple has:

Established relationship
Shared history and resources
Unified front in disagreements
Ability to "veto" the third

The "unicorn" has:

Less relationship history
No allies in conflicts
Fewer protections
Risk of being dropped by both at once

Common Harms

Disposability: When things get hard, couples often discard the third together.

Lack of agency: Rules made by the couple often weren't negotiated with the third.

Couple privilege: The existing relationship always takes priority.

Emotional exploitation: Using someone for sex/excitement without real relationship investment.

Signs You Might Be Unicorn Hunting

Check Yourself

Red flags in your approach:

You want one person to date both of you equally
You have rules the third didn't help create
Either of you can veto the third
You're seeking a "third" rather than a "person"
The third can't date others, but you have each other
You discuss the third as adding to "your" relationship

Language that signals unicorn hunting:

"Looking for our third"
"Someone to join us"
"We date as a package"
"No drama, just fun"
"Looking for a bi female for friendship and more"

The Key Question

Ask yourself: "Would I date this person if my partner wasn't involved?"

If the answer is "no" or "I haven't thought about that," you may be seeking a sex toy with a pulse, not a partner.

How to Date Ethically as a Couple

Option 1: Date Separately

Most experienced poly people recommend this, especially starting out:

Each person dates individuals
Relationships develop naturally
No pressure for everyone to connect
Each relationship stands on its own

Benefits:

Avoids most unicorn hunting dynamics
Easier for new people to say yes to
Builds individual relationship skills
Less pressure all around

Option 2: Date Together Ethically

If you both want to be involved, do it carefully:

Treat the new person as an individual:

They're a person, not an addition
Their needs matter as much as yours
They should have voice in decisions
Their other relationships are equally valid

No couple veto:

Either of you can end your individual relationships
Neither of you can force the other to end theirs
The third should have same power

Flexible structures:

Maybe they'll connect more with one of you
That should be okay
Forcing equal attraction is unrealistic

Equal investment:

Time, energy, consideration
They're not the "new" one forever
Work toward relationship equality

What Ethical Couple Dating Looks Like

In Your Profile

Instead of:

"Couple looking for unicorn for some fun"

Try:

"We're [names/initials], partnered and dating separately/together. Each looking for genuine connections. Happy to chat individually or together—whatever feels comfortable."

In Conversation

Instead of:

Messaging only as a couple
Making decisions as a unit
Presenting a unified front

Try:

Letting them get to know you individually
Acknowledging you're each separate people
Giving them space to connect differently with each of you

In Practice

Ethical couple dating means:

They can date others (you have each other, after all)
They have voice in relationship rules
They can connect more with one of you
They're not "the third" forever
Their feelings matter in decisions

Scripts for Couples

Addressing Unicorn Hunter Concerns

When someone seems hesitant:

"I know couples on here can have a bad reputation. We want to be clear: we're not looking for someone to 'add to' our relationship. We're interested in getting to know you as an individual, seeing what connection develops naturally."

Explaining Your Structure

"We're partnered and we each date separately. Sometimes we're both interested in the same person, but there's no pressure for everyone to connect equally. We're open to whatever develops organically."

When They Want to Date One of You

"That's completely fine. Our relationships can look different. [Partner] and I don't need to be involved equally."

When Things Get Complicated

"We want to make sure you feel like an equal partner in decisions that affect you. What do you need from us to feel that way?"

Navigating the Stigma

Reality: Couples Face Skepticism

Even ethical couples encounter resistance because unicorn hunting is so common. Be patient with:

People asking pointed questions
Initial hesitation
Needing to prove yourselves

How to Earn Trust

Be consistent in ethical behavior
Don't get defensive about questions
Demonstrate you value them as individual
Give them time to see you're different

Accept the Limitations

Some people won't date couples at all. That's their right. Don't:

Try to convince them
Get offended
Argue about how you're different

Respect their boundary and move on.

When You Realize You've Been Unicorn Hunting

It's Okay to Learn

Many couples start out unicorn hunting without realizing it. If you recognize yourself:

Don't spiral in shame
Do acknowledge the problem
Make concrete changes
Apologize to anyone you've harmed

Making Amends

If you've treated someone as a unicorn:

"I've been reflecting on how I/we approached our connection, and I realize I/we treated you more as an addition than an equal. That wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry."

Then actually change your behavior.

Resources for Couples

Key Concepts to Understand

Couple privilege: The unearned advantages of established couples
Relationship escalator: Societal expectations about relationship progression
Hierarchy vs. descriptive hierarchy: Rules vs. current reality
Kitchen table vs. parallel: Different approaches to metamour relationships

Questions to Discuss Together

Would we each be okay if they connected more with one of us?
Are we willing to change our rules based on their input?
Can they date others while seeing us?
What happens if one of us wants to end it and the other doesn't?

The Bigger Picture

This Is About Ethics

Unicorn hunting isn't just rude—it causes real harm:

People feel used and discarded
Trust in couples is damaged
The ENM community becomes less welcoming
Harmful patterns perpetuate

Be Part of the Solution

Couples who date ethically:

Improve the community for everyone
Have better, more sustainable connections
Develop as individuals, not just as a unit
Build the kind of relationships that last

Related Guides

Navigate Couple Dating with Intention

Whether you're dating separately or together, communication makes the difference. Poise helps couples have the conversations that lead to ethical, sustainable connections.

Download Poise and date with integrity.

How to Avoid Being a Unicorn Hunter (Even Accidentally) (2026)