ENM Etiquette 101: Don't Be "That Person" on Feeld (2026)

ENM has an etiquette—unwritten rules the community expects you to know. Breaking them marks you as inexperienced at best, unsafe at worst.

Here's the etiquette guide that'll help you avoid being "that person."

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The Foundation: Consent and Honesty

Everything Builds on This

ENM etiquette isn't arbitrary—it stems from core values:

• Informed consent: Everyone affected knows and agrees
• Honesty: No lying, even by omission
• Respect: Treating everyone as full people
• Communication: Saying what you mean, meaning what you say

When in doubt, ask: "Does this honor consent and honesty?"

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Partner Awareness

The Rule

If you have partners, they should know you're dating. Period.

Not negotiable:

• "My partner doesn't need to know" = not ENM
• "It's complicated" = sort it out before dating others
• "We have don't-ask-don't-tell" = be prepared for skepticism

How to Handle Questions

People will ask about your partner's awareness. Be ready:

"Yes, my partner knows and is supportive. They date separately too."

"My partner and I have discussed this extensively. They're not involved in my dating but they're fully aware."

If Your Partner Doesn't Know

Stop. Don't use Feeld. Don't call it ENM. Sort out your primary relationship first.

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Disclosure Etiquette

What to Disclose (and When)

Before matching/first messages: Your profile should include:

• Relationship structure
• That you're ENM
• Whether you're dating together or separately

Early in conversation:

• Partner situation
• What you're looking for
• Any major constraints
• Experience level

Before meeting:

• Anything that significantly affects them
• Boundaries and expectations
• STI status if relevant

What You Don't Owe

You don't have to share:

• Every detail of your relationship agreements
• Your partner's identifying information
• More than you're comfortable with early on

The Principle

Give people enough information to make informed decisions about connecting with you.

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Messaging Etiquette

Responding

Do:

• Respond to genuine messages within reasonable time
• Give a clear decline if not interested
• Not ghost people after real conversation

Don't:

• Leave people hanging indefinitely
• Fade away hoping they'll take the hint
• Feel obligated to respond to low-effort messages

Communication Style

Good etiquette:

• Full sentences when the conversation warrants
• Asking questions, not just answering
• Being clear about interest level
• Matching investment with investment

Poor etiquette:

• One-word answers repeatedly
• Never asking anything
• Disappearing for weeks without acknowledgment
• Breadcrumbing

Sexual Content

Ask before sending:

• Explicit photos
• Detailed sexual messages
• Kink discussion

"I'd like to share something explicit—are you comfortable with that?"

Consent applies to digital communication too.

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Dating Etiquette

Scheduling

Good practice:

• Be clear about your availability
• Keep commitments you make
• Give adequate notice for changes
• Acknowledge that everyone has complex schedules

Poor form:

• Last-minute cancellations without good reason
• Double-booking or running late
• Expecting others to accommodate your schedule exclusively
• Treating them as less important than "primary" commitments

On the Date

Be present:

• Phone away unless emergency
• Engage fully with the person you're with
• Don't talk exclusively about your other partners

Be honest:

• About how you're feeling
• About what you're looking for
• About constraints and limitations

After the Date

Good etiquette:

• Follow up within reasonable time
• Be honest about interest level
• Give a clear no if that's the answer

Poor form:

• Ghosting
• Vague "let's do this again sometime" with no intent
• Waiting for them to reach out if you're interested

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Partner/Metamour Etiquette

Regarding Their Other Relationships

Don't:

• Ask for details they haven't offered
• Compare yourself to metamours
• Demand time away from other partners
• Badmouth metamours

Do:

• Respect that their other relationships exist
• Understand you're not entitled to all their time
• Ask about what level of metamour contact they prefer
• Be flexible about scheduling realities

If You Meet Metamours

Kitchen table poly (everyone's friendly):

• Be cordial and respectful
• Don't make it weird
• Follow their lead on intimacy level

Parallel poly (minimal contact):

• Respect their preference for separation
• Don't push for more contact than desired
• Still be respectful if paths cross

When There's Conflict

Handle it through your shared partner:

• Not through direct confrontation initially
• Acknowledge it's complicated
• Prioritize everyone's wellbeing

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Couple-Specific Etiquette

If You're a Couple

Don't:

• Treat people as additions to your relationship
• Expect one person to date both of you
• Make decisions without the person you're dating
• Present a united front against them

Do:

• Date people as individuals
• Give the new person voice in the relationship
• Address couple privilege actively
• Make space for your date's preferences

The Unicorn Hunting Problem

"Unicorn hunting" (couples seeking single bi women for sex) has such a bad reputation that even well-meaning couples face skepticism.

To avoid being seen as unicorn hunters:

• Date separately when possible
• Don't require one person to date both of you
• Acknowledge the power imbalance
• Treat the new person as an equal, not a third

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Sexual Health Etiquette

STI Disclosure

The expectation:

• Disclose STI status before sexual activity
• Be honest about testing and results
• Discuss safer sex practices

How to bring it up:

"Before we get physical, I want to share that I was last tested [when] and my status is [status]. What are your practices around safer sex?"

Safer Sex Negotiations

Good etiquette:

• Be clear about your practices and boundaries
• Don't pressure partners to change their safer sex practices
• Honor agreements you make
• Inform partners if something changes

Regarding Partners' Partners

The question of risk: ENM means your sexual health affects multiple people. Etiquette requires:

• Being honest about your network's practices
• Informing partners of relevant changes
• Not making unilateral decisions that affect others' risk

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Time and Emotional Labor Etiquette

Respecting Everyone's Time

ENM people are often busy:

• Multiple relationships take time
• Work, life, other commitments exist
• Flexibility matters

Good etiquette:

• Don't demand more time than they can give
• Appreciate the time you do get
• Be understanding about scheduling complexity

Emotional Labor Distribution

Don't:

• Expect one person to meet all your needs
• Dump all your processing on partners
• Make your jealousy someone else's problem to fix

Do:

• Distribute emotional needs across your support system
• Do your own work on difficult emotions
• Communicate needs without demanding solutions

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When Things End

Ending Connections

Good etiquette:

• Be direct when you want to end things
• Give a clear reason (brief, honest)
• Don't fade away hoping they'll disappear
• Be kind but final

Example:

"I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think we're the right match long-term. I wish you well."

After Endings

Don't:

• Badmouth them in the community
• Make it weird if you see them
• Use mutual connections to get information
• Keep reaching out if they've ended it

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Community Etiquette

In ENM Spaces

At munches, events, parties:

• Follow the space's rules
• Don't out people outside the space
• Respect consent and boundaries
• Be a positive community member

Online

In forums, groups, apps:

• Don't share private conversations
• Be constructive, not just critical
• Help newcomers learn
• Hold yourself accountable publicly

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Related Guides

• New to Feeld & ENM? The First-Timer's Playbook
• Is This Actually ENM? Green and Red Flags
• Avoiding Unicorn Hunting
• Consent-First Messaging

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Communicate with Intention

Good etiquette is good communication. Poise helps you navigate the nuances of ENM conversations—from first messages to difficult discussions to relationship negotiations.

Download Poise and connect with confidence.