Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Starting on Feeld as an ENM newcomer can feel overwhelming. New relationship style, new app, new rules, new vocabulary.

This guide walks you through everything you need to know for a successful start.

Before You Download

Make Sure You're Ready

Before joining Feeld, honestly assess:

Do you understand ENM? Basic knowledge of non-monogamy is expected
Have you done the work? Read books, had conversations, understood yourself
Are any partners on board? If partnered, everyone should be informed and consenting
What are you looking for? Have some idea before you start

If You're Partnered

Questions to settle first:

What kinds of connections are you each seeking?
Are you dating together, separately, or both?
What boundaries have you agreed on?
How will you communicate about dates/matches?

If You're Single

Think about:

What relationship structure appeals to you?
What are you hoping to find?
How will you navigate partnered people?
What boundaries matter to you?

Setting Up Your Profile

The Basics

Photos:

Multiple clear photos showing your face
At least one solo photo
Show your personality
If coupled, include couple photo if you're seeking together

Desires:

Be honest about what you're seeking
Better to be specific than vague
Update as you learn what you want

Writing Your Bio

Include:

Your relationship structure (solo poly, partnered, etc.)
What you're looking for
Something about who you are beyond dating
Any dealbreakers or important info

Example structure:

[Your relationship style]. Looking for [what you want].

[Something interesting about you].

[Any important notes - partner info, must-haves, etc.]

Common Newcomer Mistakes

Too vague:

"Just seeing what's out there"

Better:

"Newly exploring ENM, looking for meaningful connections and people who enjoy good conversation."

Overly complicated:

"Looking for a unicorn or maybe a couple or possibly a third but also open to solo connections if the vibe is right and you're not too clingy but also not too distant..."

Better:

"Open to various connection types. Let's chat and see if we click."

Understanding the Feeld Ecosystem

Who You'll Find

Solo poly people: Single folks who practice polyamory
Partnered individuals: Dating separately from their partner
Couples: Dating together or seeking additions
Curious explorers: People figuring out what they want
Experienced ENM practitioners: Years of experience

Common Structures

You'll see:

Hierarchical poly (primary/secondary partners)
Non-hierarchical poly
Relationship anarchists
Open relationships
Swingers
People seeking casual connections

The Vocabulary

Terms to know:

ENM: Ethical non-monogamy
NRE: New relationship energy
Metamour: Your partner's partner
Compersion: Joy from partner's other relationships
Anchor/nesting partner: Live-in or primary partner
Kitchen table poly: Friendly metamours
Parallel poly: Separate relationships, minimal metamour interaction

Your First Conversations

Opening Messages

Do:

Reference their profile
Ask a genuine question
Be clear about your interest

Don't:

Send just "hey"
Open with sexual content
Copy-paste generic messages

Example opener:

"Hi! I saw you're into [interest from their profile]. I'm also interested in that. What got you started? I'm [your name], exploring ENM and seeing who I connect with."

What to Discuss Early

Share:

Your ENM status/structure
What you're looking for
Your experience level
Basic availability

Ask:

What their structure is
What they're seeking
Whether partners know/consent
What a good connection looks like for them

Navigating "What Are You Looking For?"

Honest answers work:

"I'm new to ENM and still figuring out exactly what I want. Right now I'm open to meeting people and seeing what develops organically."

"I'm looking for ongoing connections rather than one-time things, but I'm flexible on what that looks like."

Common First-Timer Questions

"Everyone seems experienced. Do I belong here?"

Yes. Everyone started somewhere. What matters is that you:

Communicate honestly
Respect boundaries
Keep learning

Be upfront about your experience level. Many people enjoy connecting with thoughtful newcomers.

"How do I compete with people who've been doing this for years?"

It's not a competition. Different people want different things. Some specifically prefer dating newer people. Focus on genuine connection, not competing.

"What if I do something wrong?"

You might make mistakes. The ENM community generally:

Values intent and accountability
Appreciates people who learn
Forgives honest errors, not repeated ones

If you mess up: acknowledge it, learn from it, do better.

"Is everyone just looking for sex?"

No. Feeld has people seeking everything from casual to committed. Be clear about what you want and filter accordingly.

"Why isn't anyone responding?"

Possible reasons:

Feeld is slower-paced than mainstream apps
ENM people often have full lives
Your profile may need work
Timing and luck matter

Don't take it personally. Keep refining your approach.

Avoiding Common Newcomer Mistakes

Mistake #1: Not Disclosing Your Situation

If you have a partner, disclose early. "My partner doesn't know" is not ethical non-monogamy.

Mistake #2: Treating People as Experiments

People on Feeld are whole humans, not tools for your exploration. Approach with genuine interest in them.

Mistake #3: Going Too Fast

Slow down. Build connection before making big asks. ENM takes patience.

Mistake #4: Assuming Everyone Wants the Same Thing

Each person has different desires, boundaries, and relationship styles. Ask and listen.

Mistake #5: Not Doing Emotional Work

ENM requires self-awareness, jealousy management, and communication skills. Keep doing the internal work.

Mistake #6: Unicorn Hunting (If You're a Couple)

Seeking a "third" while treating them as less-than is a major red flag in ENM circles. Learn about this before approaching single people.

Your First Date from Feeld

Before Meeting

Video call first if possible
Meet in public
Tell someone where you're going
Have your own transportation

What to Discuss

Verify information from your chats
Discuss what you're each looking for
Talk about boundaries and expectations
Be honest about your experience level

After the Date

Check in with yourself about how it felt
If partnered, talk to your partner
Follow up honestly with your date
Reflect on what you learned

Building Your ENM Practice

The Learning Mindset

Treat your first year as learning:

You'll discover what you actually want (vs. what you thought)
You'll make mistakes and grow
Your understanding will evolve
That's all normal and healthy

Resources to Continue Learning

Books:

The Ethical Slut
Polysecure
Opening Up
More Than Two

Communities:

Local poly/ENM groups (find on Meetup)
Online forums and communities
Podcasts and blogs

Check In With Yourself

Regularly ask:

Is this working for me?
What am I learning?
What do I want to adjust?
Am I being the partner I want to be?

Related Guides

Navigate ENM with Confidence

Starting ENM doesn't have to be overwhelming. Poise helps you communicate through every stage—from first messages to difficult conversations to building lasting connections.

Download Poise and start your ENM journey with support.