Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Ethical non-monogamy isn't for everyone, and it isn't right for everyone right now. Before jumping in, honest self-assessment can save you—and others—significant pain.

Here's a comprehensive readiness checklist.

Why Readiness Matters

ENM Isn't a Fix

People sometimes try ENM to:

Fix a struggling relationship
Satisfy one partner while the other isn't enthusiastic
Find excitement that's missing
Avoid dealing with underlying issues

These motivations often lead to harm. ENM works best when relationships are already strong.

The Stakes Are Real

Unready ENM can result in:

Hurt partners (existing and new)
Damaged or ended relationships
Emotional trauma
Lasting trust issues

Better to wait until you're ready than to rush and cause harm.

The Self-Assessment Checklist

Emotional Readiness

Can you manage jealousy?

[ ] I understand jealousy will happen
[ ] I have strategies for processing difficult emotions
[ ] I don't expect jealousy to disappear, but to be managed
[ ] I can feel jealousy without acting on it destructively

Are you secure in yourself?

[ ] My self-worth doesn't depend entirely on partner validation
[ ] I can be alone without panic
[ ] I don't need constant reassurance to feel okay
[ ] I'm working on my own growth independent of relationships

Can you feel compersion?

[ ] I can imagine feeling happy about a partner's joy with others
[ ] I don't need to be the only source of partner's happiness
[ ] Others' success doesn't feel like my failure
[ ] I can celebrate without comparison

How do you handle discomfort?

[ ] I can sit with uncomfortable feelings without reacting impulsively
[ ] I don't demand immediate resolution of every difficult emotion
[ ] I can distinguish between discomfort and actual harm
[ ] I'm willing to grow through difficult experiences

Communication Skills

Can you articulate your feelings?

[ ] I can identify what I'm feeling
[ ] I can express needs without blame
[ ] I can have difficult conversations without shutting down
[ ] I ask for what I need clearly

Can you listen without defending?

[ ] I can hear criticism without immediately counter-attacking
[ ] I seek to understand before being understood
[ ] I can acknowledge partner's feelings even when I disagree
[ ] I don't make everything about me

Are you honest—really?

[ ] I don't lie by omission
[ ] I share difficult truths rather than avoiding them
[ ] I admit mistakes and make amends
[ ] I don't rationalize deception as "protection"

Can you negotiate and compromise?

[ ] I can find solutions that work for multiple people
[ ] I don't always need to "win"
[ ] I can advocate for my needs while respecting others'
[ ] I can live with imperfect solutions

Relationship Foundation (If Partnered)

Is your current relationship healthy?

[ ] We handle conflict constructively
[ ] We've addressed major issues, not just avoided them
[ ] We're not using ENM to solve problems
[ ] Our relationship is stable, not just surviving

Are you both enthusiastic?

[ ] Both/all partners want this (not just one)
[ ] Nobody is agreeing under duress
[ ] There's genuine excitement, not just resignation
[ ] Both partners have explored their feelings thoroughly

Have you discussed it extensively?

[ ] We've had multiple conversations about ENM
[ ] We've discussed fears, hopes, and boundaries
[ ] We've read books or resources together
[ ] We know what we're agreeing to

Is there trust?

[ ] I trust my partner to honor agreements
[ ] We have a history of keeping commitments
[ ] Trust hasn't been significantly damaged recently
[ ] We can be vulnerable with each other

Practical Readiness

Do you have time?

[ ] I can realistically manage multiple relationships
[ ] I won't neglect existing commitments
[ ] I understand how much time this takes
[ ] I'm not already overwhelmed with life

Can you handle logistics?

[ ] I can manage schedules and calendars
[ ] I'm organized enough to balance commitments
[ ] I can handle the practical complexity
[ ] I won't accidentally neglect people

Are you financially stable enough?

[ ] Dating costs money
[ ] Multiple relationships cost more money
[ ] I can handle this without stress
[ ] I won't create financial strain

Is your living situation compatible?

[ ] I can manage privacy if needed
[ ] Living arrangements allow for this lifestyle
[ ] There are no insurmountable logistical barriers
[ ] I've thought through practical implications

Ethical Understanding

Do you understand consent?

[ ] I know what informed consent means
[ ] I understand consent is ongoing
[ ] I can accept "no" without pressure
[ ] I prioritize partners' autonomy

Are you committed to ethics?

[ ] I'll tell people about my situation upfront
[ ] I won't mislead potential partners
[ ] I understand ENM isn't a loophole for cheating
[ ] Ethics aren't just a label I use

Have you educated yourself?

[ ] I've read books about ENM
[ ] I understand common concepts and vocabulary
[ ] I know common pitfalls to avoid
[ ] I'm committed to continued learning

Scoring Your Checklist

Count Your Checks

Mostly yes (35-45 checks): You're likely ready to begin exploring ENM thoughtfully. Continue learning and start slowly.

Mixed (20-34 checks): You have some work to do before ENM is advisable. Focus on unchecked areas. No rush.

Mostly no (under 20 checks): You're probably not ready for ENM right now. This isn't failure—it's self-awareness. Work on fundamentals first.

Critical Items

Some items matter more than others. If these are unchecked, stop:

Partner doesn't know and consent (if applicable)
Using ENM to fix relationship problems
Can't manage jealousy at all
Can't communicate honestly
One partner coerced into agreeing

If You're Not Ready Yet

This Isn't Failure

Recognizing you're not ready is wisdom, not weakness:

Better to know now than after causing harm
Readiness can develop over time
Self-awareness is itself a positive sign

What to Work On

If communication is weak:

Practice difficult conversations in current relationship
Read about communication skills
Consider couples counseling
Work on individual therapy

If jealousy is overwhelming:

Explore the roots of jealousy
Build security through therapy or self-work
Practice with smaller exposures
Develop emotional regulation skills

If relationship foundation is shaky:

Address existing issues first
Build trust and communication
Get professional help if needed
Don't add complexity to instability

If you haven't done the learning:

Read foundational books (The Ethical Slut, Polysecure, etc.)
Listen to podcasts and read articles
Join communities to learn from others
Take your time—there's no rush

Questions to Discuss with Partners

Before Starting

"Why do each of us want this?"

"What are we hoping to gain? What are we afraid of losing?"

"What happens if one of us wants to stop?"

"How will we handle jealousy when it comes up?"

About Structure

"What does our ideal structure look like?"

"What boundaries feel necessary right now?"

"How much do we want to know about each other's dates?"

"How will we handle schedule and time conflicts?"

About Commitment

"What are we committing to with each other?"

"What would make us reconsider this?"

"How often will we check in about how this is going?"

"What does success look like for us?"

Starting Slowly When Ready

The First Steps

If you pass the checklist:

Start with conversations, not action
Discuss extensively before opening apps
Agree on initial boundaries
Plan for regular check-ins

Early Boundaries

Consider starting with:

More restrictive agreements initially
Frequent communication about everything
Slow escalation of involvement
Regular relationship check-ins

Building Skills

As you begin:

Expect to learn and adjust
Communicate more than feels necessary
Be patient with the process
Seek support when needed

Related Guides

Communicate Through Every Stage

Whether you're assessing readiness or navigating your first ENM experiences, communication is everything. Poise helps you find the words for these conversations.

Download Poise and start your ENM journey prepared.

The "Am I Ready for ENM?" Checklist (2026)