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When One Partner Gets More Matches (And It Hurts) (2026)

Match disparity is common in ENM. When one partner gets more attention, it can trigger pain. Here's how to navigate the imbalance constructively.

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One of the most common and painful experiences in ENM: one partner's inbox is full while the other's is empty.

Match disparity is real, and it hurts. Here's how to navigate it.

The Reality

This Is Common

Match disparity happens frequently:

  • Women often receive more matches
  • Men often struggle more on apps
  • Various factors affect who gets attention
  • It rarely feels "fair"

Why It Happens

Platform dynamics:

  • Gender ratios on dating apps
  • How algorithms work
  • What profiles get visibility
  • Who initiates on which platforms

Social factors:

  • Different experiences by gender
  • Physical attractiveness standards
  • Communication styles
  • What different people seek

Individual factors:

  • Profile quality
  • Photos
  • Communication skills
  • What you're seeking

The Partner Getting Fewer Matches

What You Might Feel

  • Jealousy of their success
  • Inadequacy ("What's wrong with me?")
  • Resentment ("This isn't fair")
  • Discouragement ("Why bother?")
  • Loneliness while they date

All of these feelings are valid. Acknowledging them is the first step.

What Not to Do

Don't make it their problem:

  • Asking them to stop dating
  • Making them feel guilty for success
  • Punishing them for your struggles
  • Using your pain as a veto

Don't spiral into self-destruction:

  • Believing you're unlovable
  • Giving up entirely
  • Lowering standards desperately
  • Comparing yourself constantly

What to Do Instead

Acknowledge the feeling:

"I'm struggling with feeling left behind. I know it's not your fault, but I'm hurting."

Ask for support:

"I could use some reassurance right now. Can you remind me why you chose me?"

Focus on what you can control:

  • Improving your profile
  • Trying different platforms
  • Meeting people other ways
  • Working on yourself

Reframe success:

  • Quality over quantity
  • Your timeline, not comparison
  • Each person's journey is different
  • Matches ≠ meaningful connections

The Partner Getting More Matches

What You Might Feel

  • Guilt about your success
  • Frustration ("I shouldn't have to hold back")
  • Confusion about how to help
  • Desire to fix their situation
  • Joy about connections, complicated by their pain

What Not to Do

Don't diminish your success:

  • Hiding matches or dates
  • Downplaying your experiences
  • Not enjoying your connections fully
  • Putting your dating life on hold

Don't dismiss their feelings:

  • "You're overreacting"
  • "Just be patient"
  • "It's not that bad"

What to Do Instead

Acknowledge and validate:

"I can see this is really hard. The disparity isn't fair, and I understand why it hurts."

Offer reassurance:

"These matches don't change how I feel about you. You're still my person."

Provide support:

"Is there anything I can do to help? I could review your profile with you, or just listen if you need to vent."

Stay connected:

  • Make sure quality time doesn't disappear
  • Show them they're still a priority
  • Don't let your dating life eclipse them
  • Be present when you're together

Having the Conversation

When It Hurts

The struggling partner:

"I need to talk about how the match disparity is affecting me. I'm not asking you to stop dating, but I'm struggling and I need support."

The successful partner:

"I've noticed things are harder for you on the apps. I want to check in—how are you doing? What do you need from me?"

What to Discuss

The feelings:

  • What specifically hurts?
  • What triggers are there?
  • What would help?

The practical:

  • Any adjustments needed?
  • How to communicate during rough patches?
  • What support looks like?

The boundaries:

  • What's reasonable to ask?
  • What's not fair to ask?
  • Where's the line between support and restriction?

Sample Dialogue

Partner A: "I've had three dates this week and I know you haven't had any. How are you doing with that?"

Partner B: "Honestly, it's hard. I'm happy for you, but I also feel left behind. I keep wondering what's wrong with me."

Partner A: "Nothing's wrong with you. The apps are just harder for some people. What would help right now?"

Partner B: "I think I just need to know I'm still important to you. And maybe we could have a really good date night this week?"

Partner A: "Absolutely. You're my priority. Let's plan something special."

Strategies That Help

For the Struggling Partner

Work on what you can:

  • Profile improvements
  • Better photos
  • Communication skills
  • Different platforms or approaches

Expand beyond apps:

  • ENM meetups and events
  • Hobby groups
  • Friends of friends
  • Organic connection

Build a fulfilling life:

  • Don't let dating be everything
  • Pursue interests and friendships
  • Maintain self-worth independent of matches
  • Focus on personal growth

Adjust expectations:

  • Success may take longer
  • Quality matters more than quantity
  • Your timeline is valid
  • Comparison steals joy

For the Successful Partner

Stay connected:

  • Don't neglect your partner
  • Schedule dedicated time together
  • Show them they matter
  • Be present, not distracted

Be thoughtful about sharing:

  • Calibrate how much you share
  • Don't rub success in their face
  • But don't hide your life either
  • Find the balance that works

Support their journey:

  • Offer to help with profiles
  • Encourage them
  • Celebrate their wins
  • Don't take over their process

Together

Establish check-ins:

  • Regular conversations about how it's going
  • Space to express feelings
  • Adjustments as needed

Remember the team:

  • You're on the same side
  • This affects both of you
  • Success for one can benefit both
  • Work through it together

When It's Really Hard

If Disparity Persists Long-Term

Sometimes the gap doesn't close. Options:

  • Accept the imbalance as a feature of your situation
  • Adjust expectations and how you date
  • Find other ways to meet the struggling partner's needs
  • Consider whether ENM is working for both of you

If Resentment Builds

Warning signs:

  • Growing anger about the situation
  • Punishing the successful partner
  • Withdrawing from the relationship
  • Inability to discuss it productively

What to do:

  • Couples counseling
  • Honest conversation about sustainability
  • Possible pause on dating to reconnect
  • Assessment of whether to continue ENM

Reframing the Situation

Matches Aren't the Metric

What actually matters:

  • Meaningful connections
  • Quality of relationships
  • Overall relationship satisfaction
  • Growth and fulfillment

Different Timelines

Some people find connections quickly; others take longer. Neither is wrong. Your journey is your own.

The Comparison Trap

Comparing to your partner (or to others) is a losing game:

  • Their journey isn't yours
  • Different factors affect each person
  • Your worth isn't measured by matches

Related Guides

Navigate the Hard Parts Together

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