Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Bringing up the idea of opening your relationship is one of the most anxiety-inducing conversations you can have. You're asking your partner to reconsider a fundamental assumption about your relationship.

This guide helps you approach this conversation thoughtfully, giving it the best chance of going well—whatever "well" means for your situation.

Before You Bring It Up

Get Clear on Your Why

Before talking to your partner, understand yourself:

Why do you want this? (Be honest with yourself)
Is there something missing in your current relationship?
Are you interested in someone specific?
Is this about curiosity, identity, or unmet needs?

Your partner will ask. Have genuine answers.

Know What You're Asking For

"Open relationship" means different things:

Occasional sexual encounters?
Ongoing additional relationships?
Full polyamory with multiple loves?
Something specific (threesomes, swinging)?

The more specific you can be, the better the conversation.

Consider the Timing

Good times:

When you're both relaxed and connected
After a positive experience together
When there's time to talk without interruption
When the relationship is stable

Bad times:

During conflict or right after a fight
When you're attracted to someone specific (they'll feel threatened)
When major life stressors are happening
When you're about to leave town or be apart

Check Your Expectations

Understand:

This may be a hard "no" for them
They may need time to process
Their initial reaction may not be their final answer
This conversation might change things regardless of outcome

How to Start the Conversation

Setting It Up

Don't ambush. Signal that you want to talk about something important:

"I've been thinking about something I want to share with you. Can we find time this weekend to talk?"

Opening the Conversation

Lead with care for the relationship:

"I love what we have and I'm not looking to replace it. I've been doing some thinking about our relationship and I want to share something vulnerable with you."

Framing It Right

Don't: "I want an open relationship" (demand) Do: "I've been curious about non-monogamy and I want to explore this conversation with you" (invitation)

Don't: "I've been feeling trapped" (blame) Do: "I've been reflecting on what I might want in addition to what we have" (ownership)

What to Say

Script Starter

"This is hard for me to bring up because I don't want you to feel like something's wrong with us or with you. I've been reading/thinking about ethical non-monogamy and I'm curious whether it's something we might ever explore. I'm not sure exactly what I want—I just know I want to talk about it honestly with you."

Key Points to Cover

Why you're interested (honestly)
What it doesn't mean (not leaving, not dissatisfied)
That you're open to their feelings about it
That you're not demanding anything
That the relationship matters to you

If There's Someone Specific

If you're interested in someone specific, decide whether to disclose:

Disclosing: Honest, but may make partner feel threatened Not disclosing: May feel dishonest if discovered later

If you've already acted on feelings—even emotionally—you need to disclose. Seeking permission for something that's already happening is manipulation.

Handling Their Reaction

If They're Shocked

Don't backtrack immediately
Give them space to react
Validate their feelings
Clarify it's a discussion, not an ultimatum
Offer to pause and return to it later

If They're Hurt

Common hurt reactions:

"Am I not enough?"
"Are you cheating?"
"Have you wanted this all along?"

Respond with reassurance:

"This isn't about you being lacking. It's about me sharing something I'm curious about. Your feelings make complete sense."

If They're Angry

Don't escalate
Acknowledge their reaction is valid
Don't demand they be calm about it
Offer space if needed
Commit to continued conversation when ready

If They're Open/Curious

Don't get ahead of yourself
Explore what they're curious about
Discuss what this might look like
Move slowly, even if they seem receptive
Revisit the conversation multiple times before acting

After the Initial Conversation

Give It Time

This likely won't be resolved in one talk:

Schedule follow-up conversations
Give them resources if they want (books, articles)
Let them process at their pace
Don't pressure for a quick decision

Continue the Dialogue

Questions to explore together:

What would we each need to feel safe?
What boundaries would be important?
What are our fears? How do we address them?
How would we handle jealousy?
What would be off-limits?

Recommended Resources

Books that might help:

The Ethical Slut by Hardy and Easton
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
Polysecure by Jessica Fern

If They Say No

Respecting Their Answer

A "no" is a valid response:

Don't pressure, guilt, or manipulate
Don't make them feel broken for wanting monogamy
Accept that this might be a fundamental incompatibility
Consider whether you can be genuinely happy monogamously

What You Can Do

Accept the no gracefully
Explore what's beneath your desire (maybe needs can be met other ways)
Consider couples therapy to explore the topic together
Make a genuine choice: relationship or exploration

If It's a Dealbreaker

Sometimes you can't both have what you need:

This is a genuine incompatibility
Neither person is wrong
Ending the relationship may be the ethical path
Staying while resentful helps no one

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Don't:

Issue ultimatums ("open or I leave")
Bring it up after meeting someone you want
Pressure for an immediate answer
Dismiss their concerns
Make them feel abnormal for wanting monogamy
Minimize how significant this is

Do:

Lead with care and vulnerability
Accept their initial reaction
Give genuine space to process
Be willing to hear "no"
Move slowly even if they say yes
Treat this as ongoing dialogue, not one conversation

Related Guides

Navigate This Conversation with Care

Bringing up open relationships requires vulnerability and skill. Poise helps you find the words, manage difficult reactions, and have this conversation with the care it deserves.

Download Poise and communicate about what you want thoughtfully.

How to Tell Your Partner You Want an Open Relationship (2026)