Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Relationship anarchy (RA) is often misunderstood as "polyamory without rules" or "doing whatever you want." It's actually a thoughtful philosophy about how we relate to all people in our lives.

Here's what relationship anarchy actually means and how it works in practice.

What Is Relationship Anarchy?

The Core Philosophy

Relationship anarchy, as articulated by Andie Nordgren, includes these principles:

No default hierarchies: Romantic relationships aren't automatically more important than friendships or other connections.

Each relationship is autonomous: Every connection is defined by the people in it, not by external scripts.

Love is abundant: Caring for one person doesn't diminish capacity to care for others.

No ownership: People aren't possessions. Partners don't own each other's bodies, time, or choices.

What RA Questions

Traditional assumptions like:

Romantic partner > friends
Sexual relationships are "more"
Commitments require exclusivity
Love should look a certain way
Relationship structures should follow society's scripts

RA vs. Polyamory

They Overlap But Aren't the Same

Polyamory:

Multiple romantic/sexual relationships
Often still has hierarchy (primary/secondary)
May follow relationship escalator with multiple people
Romantic relationships still central

Relationship Anarchy:

Questions the romantic/non-romantic hierarchy itself
May or may not include multiple romantic relationships
Rejects escalator thinking entirely
All relationships evaluated on their own terms

You Can Be Both

Many people identify as poly AND relationship anarchist. Others are RA but only have one romantic relationship. The philosophy is about how you approach relationships, not how many you have.

RA Principles in Practice

Principle 1: No Default Hierarchies

Traditional script: Partner > Best friend > Friends > Family (or some variation where romantic partner sits at top)

RA approach: Each relationship's importance is based on the connection itself, not its category.

Example: An RA person might prioritize their best friend for a life decision over a romantic partner of six months—because that particular friendship holds more relevant significance in that context.

Principle 2: Custom-Built Relationships

Traditional script: Dating → Exclusive → Cohabitation → Marriage → Kids (the relationship escalator)

RA approach: Each relationship is built based on what the people in it want, not what society expects.

Example: Two people might have a deeply committed relationship without sexual activity, without living together, and without using terms like "partner"—because that's what works for them.

Principle 3: Relationships Are Not Contracts

Traditional script: "Boyfriend/girlfriend" comes with assumed rights and obligations.

RA approach: Every expectation is explicitly discussed rather than assumed from a label.

Example: An RA person wouldn't assume their romantic partner should be their plus-one to every event—that's something they'd discuss rather than assume.

Principle 4: Love Doesn't Require Restrictions

Traditional script: If you love me, you won't want anyone else.

RA approach: Love in one relationship doesn't threaten others. Restriction isn't proof of love.

Example: An RA person might feel compersion (joy) when their partner develops a new meaningful connection—because that connection doesn't diminish their own.

Common Misconceptions

"RA means no rules"

Reality: RA means no assumed rules. Agreements still exist—they're just explicit and negotiated, not inherited from relationship labels.

"RA means no commitment"

Reality: RA people can be deeply committed. They just define commitment through their own agreements, not society's templates.

"RA means romantic relationships don't matter"

Reality: RA means romantic relationships aren't automatically more important. They can still be deeply significant—just not by default.

"RA is just an excuse to avoid responsibility"

Reality: RA actually requires more responsibility—you can't hide behind assumptions. Every expectation must be communicated.

Real-World RA Examples

Example 1: Prioritizing Friendship

Scenario: Jamie has a romantic partner of two years and a best friend of ten years. Jamie's friend is going through a crisis.

Traditional approach: Romance comes first; spend time with friend when partner doesn't need you.

RA approach: The depth of each relationship matters, not its category. Jamie might spend significant time supporting their friend without feeling like they're "shortchanging" their romantic partner.

Example 2: Non-Sexual Partnership

Scenario: Alex and Sam live together, share finances, consider themselves life partners, but don't have sex and don't use romantic labels.

Traditional approach: This "doesn't count" as a real partnership—it's just roommates.

RA approach: Alex and Sam's relationship is whatever they define it as. The absence of sex or romance doesn't make it less significant.

Example 3: Relationship Without Escalation

Scenario: Morgan and Chris have dated for five years. They don't live together and have no plans to. Both are satisfied.

Traditional approach: "When are you taking the next step?"

RA approach: There's no required escalator. Their relationship is complete as-is if it works for them.

Example 4: Multiple Significant Relationships

Scenario: Taylor has a romantic partner, a queer platonic partner, a friends-with-benefits situation, and a deeply intimate friendship. Taylor considers all four equally significant in different ways.

Traditional approach: The romantic partner is "the" relationship; others are supplementary.

RA approach: Each relationship stands on its own terms. Comparing them by category misses the point.

Is RA Right for You?

RA Might Resonate If:

Romantic hierarchy has felt wrong to you
You value deep friendships as much as romance
You resist relationship scripts
You want to define connections on your own terms
Autonomy is a core value

RA Might Not Fit If:

You find comfort in traditional structures
Romantic partnership is what you want to prioritize
The philosophy feels overly complicated
You prefer clearer categories
Nothing here resonates

It's Not All or Nothing

You can be influenced by RA principles without adopting the full philosophy:

Valuing friendships more highly
Questioning assumed hierarchies
Building custom agreements
Rejecting one-size-fits-all templates

Communicating RA

On Dating Apps

"I practice relationship anarchy—I don't assume romantic relationships are automatically more important than other connections. Every relationship is built on what works for the people in it."

With New Connections

"I approach relationships anarchistically, which means I don't follow scripts or assume what our connection should look like. I'd rather build something that fits us than fit us into a template."

Addressing Concerns

"Relationship anarchy doesn't mean no commitment or no care—it means I want to be intentional about what we create together rather than inheriting assumptions."

Challenges of RA

Social Recognition

People may not understand your relationships
Your "best friend" may be as significant as others' "spouses"
Labels don't capture the nuance

Communication Load

More explicit discussion required
Can't rely on assumed expectations
Every relationship needs its own negotiation

Finding Compatible People

Not everyone wants to build from scratch
Some people prefer traditional structures
Explaining RA repeatedly can be exhausting

Resources for Further Exploration

Foundational Texts

"The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy" by Andie Nordgren

Key Concepts to Explore

Relationship escalator
Amatonormativity
Compulsory monogamy
Queer platonic relationships

Related Guides

Communicate Your Philosophy

Whatever relationship philosophy you hold, clear communication makes it work. Poise helps you articulate your approach and build connections that truly fit.

Download Poise and define your relationships intentionally.

Relationship Anarchy Explained (With Practical Examples) (2026)