Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Traditional relationship models come as packages: "dating" includes these things, "partnership" includes those. But what if you could build relationships à la carte?

The relationship smorgasbord is a tool for doing exactly that.

What Is the Relationship Smorgasbord?

The Concept

The smorgasbord (sometimes called "relationship menu") breaks relationships into component parts that can be mixed and matched:

What elements do you want in this relationship?
What elements does your partner want?
What can you build together?

Instead of saying "let's be partners" (which assumes a lot), you discuss specific elements.

Origin

Created by non-monogamy communities, the smorgasbord helps people design relationships intentionally rather than inheriting assumptions.

Why It's Useful

Makes implicit expectations explicit
Allows for truly custom relationships
Prevents assumption mismatches
Works for any relationship type

The Smorgasbord Categories

Emotional Intimacy

Deep emotional sharing
Vulnerability and trust
Emotional support
Processing life together
Being each other's confidant

Physical Intimacy

Sexual activity
Cuddling and non-sexual touch
Sleeping together
Physical affection in public
Physical comfort

Romantic Gestures

Dating activities
Gifts and romantic surprises
Romantic language and expression
Anniversary celebrations
Romantic rituals

Partnership/Domestic

Cohabitation
Sharing finances
Household responsibilities
Life planning together
Co-parenting

Social/Public

Meeting friends and family
Attending events together
Public acknowledgment
Social media presence
Relationship labels

Power Exchange

Dominant/submissive dynamics
Service elements
Protocol and structure
24/7 vs. scene-based
Care and control dynamics

Time and Priority

Frequency of contact
Response time expectations
Schedule priority
Travel together
Holidays and significant dates

Autonomy/Space

Independent friendships
Independent decisions
Space and alone time
Financial independence
Life choices autonomy

Communication

Frequency of check-ins
Depth of disclosure
Preferred contact methods
Conflict resolution style
Decision-making together

Growth/Support

Career support
Personal development
Accountability partnership
Learning together
Challenging each other

How to Use the Smorgasbord

Step 1: Individual Reflection

Before discussing with a partner, reflect on your own wants:

What elements are essential for you?
What elements are nice-to-have?
What elements do you not want?
What are you flexible about?

Step 2: Share and Compare

Share your reflections:

Where do you overlap?
Where do you differ?
What's negotiable vs. non-negotiable?
Where are you both flexible?

Step 3: Design Together

Build your unique relationship:

Include elements you both want
Discuss elements one wants, the other doesn't
Find creative solutions for mismatches
Accept differences that can't be bridged

Step 4: Revisit and Adjust

The smorgasbord isn't a one-time exercise:

Check in periodically
Acknowledge changing desires
Renegotiate as needed
Celebrate what's working

Example Smorgasbord Conversations

Example 1: New Dating Relationship

You: "I'd love to figure out what we're building together. Want to go through what each of us is looking for?"

Emotional intimacy: Both want medium-high Physical intimacy: Both want, at their own pace Romantic gestures: You want more than they do—discuss Domestic: Neither looking for that now Social: Meet friends eventually, no rush Time: Once a week works for both

Outcome: Clear expectations from the start.

Example 2: Existing Partnership Renegotiation

You: "I've been thinking about what's working and what's not. Can we talk through the different areas of our relationship?"

Domestic: Living together works Finances: Want to revisit how they're shared Time: Need more independent time Social: Would like more couple socializing

Outcome: Targeted adjustments, not vague complaints.

Example 3: Non-Traditional Relationship

You: "I really value our connection and want to define what it is for us, outside of standard labels."

Emotional intimacy: Very high Physical intimacy: Non-sexual touch only Romantic gestures: Some, but not traditional "dating" Partnership: Some domestic sharing when together Labels: "Queer platonic partners" or something custom

Outcome: A relationship that fits instead of being forced into categories.

The Smorgasbord Worksheet

Rate each element (for yourself):

| Element | Essential | Nice to Have | Not Seeking | Flexible | |---------|-----------|--------------|-------------|----------| | Deep emotional sharing | | | | | | Sexual intimacy | | | | | | Non-sexual physical affection | | | | | | Romantic dates and gestures | | | | | | Cohabitation | | | | | | Shared finances | | | | | | Meeting friends/family | | | | | | Public relationship acknowledgment | | | | | | Frequent communication | | | | | | Significant time together | | | | | | Holiday/significant date time | | | | | | Life planning together | | | | | | Career/growth support | | | | | | High autonomy/independence | | | | |

Use this as a starting point for conversation.

Navigating Mismatches

When Wants Don't Align

Option 1: Compromise

Find middle ground
Both give a little
Revisit later

Option 2: Creative Solutions

Get that need met elsewhere
Find alternative expressions
Build something neither initially imagined

Option 3: Accept Incompatibility

Some mismatches are fundamental
Better to know than pretend
Can still have relationship, just different

Common Mismatch Examples

Different romance needs:

"You want more romantic gestures than I naturally give. Can we talk about what specifically would feel good for you, and I'll work on showing up that way?"

Different time needs:

"I need more solo time than you do. Can we find a balance where you get enough connection and I get enough space?"

Different domestic visions:

"I'm not interested in cohabitation, but I do want a deeply committed partnership. What would that look like for you?"

The Smorgasbord and ENM

Multiple Relationships

The smorgasbord is especially useful in ENM:

Each relationship can be different
Not everything comes from one person
Allows for specialization

Example:

Partner A: Deep emotional intimacy, some physical, no domestic
Partner B: High physical intimacy, lower emotional depth
Partner C: Partnership with domestic sharing
Close friend: Emotional intimacy without romance

Addressing Comparison

The smorgasbord helps avoid unhelpful comparison:

Each relationship is its own design
Different isn't less
Comparison misses the point

Benefits of the Smorgasbord Approach

For You

Know what you actually want
Better matches through clarity
Less disappointment from unmet assumptions
Relationships that truly fit

For Partners

Know what you're offering
Clear expectations from start
Less guessing about your needs
Efficient relationship building

For the Relationship

Built on explicit agreement
Fewer assumption conflicts
Path for renegotiation
Mutual satisfaction more likely

Common Questions

"Isn't this unromantic?"

Clarity and intentionality can be deeply romantic. Building something together that actually fits both people is more romantic than hoping assumptions match.

"Do I have to cover every category?"

No. Use what's useful, ignore what's not. The categories are tools, not requirements.

"What if my needs change?"

That's expected. The smorgasbord is a living document, not a binding contract. Revisit it as you evolve.

"Can I use this for friendships?"

Absolutely. The smorgasbord works for any relationship where clarifying expectations would help.

Related Guides

Build Relationships That Fit

The smorgasbord helps you build intentionally. Poise helps you have the conversations that bring those designs to life—clear communication for custom connections.

Download Poise and design your relationships.