Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

The agreements you made when you started ENM won't last forever. As relationships develop and you learn what works, renegotiation becomes necessary.

Here's how to do it well.

Why Agreements Need Renegotiation

Relationships Evolve

What you needed at the start may not fit now:

New relationships have developed
You've learned what works (and doesn't)
Circumstances have changed
Trust has grown (or contracted)

Signs It's Time

An agreement feels too restrictive
Rules are being bent regularly
Someone's unhappy with current structure
New situations aren't covered
Agreements were made with less information

The Alternative

Without renegotiation:

Rules get broken
Resentment builds
Someone's needs go unmet
Trust erodes

Better to renegotiate openly than break agreements silently.

How to Initiate

Setting the Stage

Ask for dedicated time:

"There's something about our agreements I'd like to revisit. Can we set aside time to talk about it—not right now while we're tired, but maybe this weekend?"

Be clear it's a discussion, not a demand:

"I've been thinking about our rule around [topic], and I'd like to discuss whether it still makes sense. I'm not demanding change—I want us to figure this out together."

Frame positively when possible:

"I think our relationship has grown, and I wonder if our agreements can evolve too. Can we revisit some things?"

What to Include

When initiating:

What agreement you want to discuss
Why you're bringing it up
That you want their input
Proposed timing for the conversation

Scripts for Common Renegotiations

1. Loosening Time Restrictions

Current agreement: Limited to one date per week Desired change: More flexibility

"When we started, one date a week made sense—we were finding our footing. Now I'm feeling like I'd like more flexibility. Could we talk about moving to something like 'what feels sustainable' rather than a hard limit?"

2. Changing Overnight Rules

Current agreement: No overnights with others Desired change: Occasional overnights allowed

"I know we agreed to no overnights, and that was important when we started. I'm wondering if we can revisit that now. [Partner] lives an hour away, and not staying over makes logistics really hard. Could we try occasional overnights and see how it feels?"

3. Adjusting Information Sharing

Current agreement: Tell everything Desired change: Less detailed disclosure

"I've noticed that knowing every detail about your dates actually makes things harder for me. Could we talk about sharing less—maybe a summary rather than play-by-play? I still want honesty, just with less granularity."

Or the reverse:

Current agreement: Don't ask, don't tell Desired change: More information

"The not-knowing is actually harder than I expected. I'd like to know more about your other relationships—not interrogation, but more awareness. Can we discuss what that might look like?"

4. Removing Hierarchy

Current agreement: Primary/secondary structure Desired change: Non-hierarchical

"I've been thinking about how we use primary and secondary. It's starting to feel limiting to my other relationship, and I'd like to discuss moving toward something more non-hierarchical. What would that bring up for you?"

5. Adding a New Boundary

Current agreement: None on this topic Desired change: New limit

"I've realized I need a boundary around [topic] that we haven't discussed before. Going forward, I need [specific boundary]. Can we talk about how to incorporate that?"

6. Removing a Boundary

Current agreement: No dating shared friends Desired change: Specific person is okay

"I know we agreed not to date within our friend group. But I've developed feelings for [name], and I'd like to discuss whether that specific situation could be different. I'm not trying to throw out the whole agreement—just this one exception."

The Renegotiation Conversation

Structure

1. State what you want to discuss

"I want to revisit our agreement about [X]."

2. Explain why

"It's become [challenging/limiting/unnecessary] because [reason]."

3. Propose what you'd prefer

"What I think might work better is [proposal]."

4. Invite their input

"What do you think? What would this bring up for you?"

5. Find agreement together

"So based on what we've both said, maybe we could [compromise/new agreement]?"

Example Full Conversation

Initiating:

"Hey, I want to revisit our 24-hour notice rule for dates. It's become hard to maintain with how my schedule fluctuates. I'm wondering if we could move to something more flexible—like letting each other know about dates when we can, even if it's same-day."

Their response:

"That brings up some anxiety for me. The notice gives me time to prepare emotionally."

Acknowledgment:

"That makes sense. I don't want to just drop something on you with no warning. What if we said 'as much notice as reasonably possible, ideally 24 hours but sometimes same-day if that's all there is'?"

Finding agreement:

"That feels workable. And maybe if it's last-minute, you could check in with me first?"

Confirming:

"Deal. So: we aim for 24 hours, but same-day is okay with a check-in. Let's try it for a month and see how it goes."

When Renegotiation Is Hard

If They're Resistant

Explore their concerns:

"It sounds like you're hesitant. Can you help me understand what's coming up for you?"

Validate their feelings:

"I hear that this is bringing up [concern]. That makes sense given [context]."

Look for middle ground:

"Is there a version of this change that would feel safer to you?"

If You Can't Agree

Options:

Keep the current agreement (their boundary wins)
Try a small experiment
Revisit later with more conversation
Seek outside support (therapist, mediator)
Accept this might be a fundamental incompatibility

Script for impasse:

"It seems like we're not able to agree on this right now. Can we table it and come back in a few weeks, after we've both had time to think?"

If Agreement Feels Coerced

If you feel pressured:

"I need to pause here. I don't feel like I can freely agree to this right now. Can we slow down and revisit when I'm feeling less pressured?"

After Renegotiation

Confirm the New Agreement

"So to confirm—our new agreement is [specific terms]. Does that match what you understood?"

Set a Check-In

"Let's plan to check in about how this is working in [timeframe]. We can adjust if needed."

Follow Through

Honor the new agreement
If it's not working, say so
Give it a fair trial before judging
Check in at the agreed time

Renegotiation Principles

Approach

Be clear about what you want
Listen to their concerns
Seek mutual agreement
Be willing to compromise
Don't coerce or ultimatum

Remember

Agreements should work for everyone
Evolution is healthy
Renegotiation isn't failure
One person's veto on change is valid (if reasonable)
You can always revisit later

Red Flags in Renegotiation

From You

Demanding rather than discussing
Ignoring their concerns
Threatening to just do it anyway
Renegotiating right after breaking a rule

From Them

Refusing all discussion
Punishing you for asking
Agreeing under pressure
Not following through on agreed changes

Related Guides

Communicate Through Change

Relationships evolve, and so should your agreements. Poise helps you find the words for these crucial conversations—navigating renegotiation with clarity and care.

Download Poise and evolve your relationships together.

Renegotiating Relationship Agreements: A Script Guide (2026)