Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

You swiped right, they swiped right—you matched! And then... nothing. No message, no conversation, no connection.

If your match list is full of silent connections, here's why it's happening and how to change it.

Why Matches Don't Message

Reason 1: They're Waiting for You

The mutual wait:

They matched and expected you to message first
You matched and expected them to message first
Neither person takes initiative
Match expires in silence

The reality: On Feeld, there's no "women message first" rule. Either person can—and should—initiate.

Reason 2: Swipe Fatigue

What happens:

They swiped right on many profiles
Matches accumulate faster than they can message
Your match gets lost in the stack
They forget why they matched with you

The lesson: Timing matters. Message while you're fresh in their mind.

Reason 3: Changed Mind

Between swiping and matching:

They looked at your profile again more carefully
Enthusiasm faded
Something in your profile gave them pause
They're no longer sure they want to connect

Reason 4: Life Got Busy

Non-dating reasons:

Work crisis
Family obligation
Mental health break from dating
They opened the app, matched, then got pulled away

Reason 5: Analysis Paralysis

They want to message but:

Don't know what to say
Feel pressure to be clever
Overthinking the opener
Procrastinating until the moment passes

Reason 6: App Overwhelm

For attractive profiles:

They have dozens of matches
Can't possibly message everyone
You didn't stand out enough
They're prioritizing existing conversations

The Data on Who Messages First

General Patterns

On Feeld:

Either gender can message first (no Bumble-style restrictions)
The person who messages first often gets responses
Waiting means competing with newer matches
Initiators have more success than waiters

What This Means for You

Stop waiting:

If you want to talk to someone, message them
Don't play games about who should go first
First-movers get conversations; waiters get silence

Strategies to Get More Responses

Strategy 1: Message First, Every Time

Make it your policy:

Match → immediate message (or within hours)
Don't wait to see if they'll reach out
Your job is to initiate, not wait

This alone will transform your match-to-conversation rate.

Strategy 2: Message Quickly

Timing matters:

Message within 24 hours of matching
Ideally within a few hours
While your profile is fresh in their mind
Before they match with 10 more people

Fast messaging:

Shows genuine interest
Catches them while still engaged
Beats the competition
Starts momentum

Strategy 3: Personalized Openers

Generic openers get ignored:

"Hey" is forgettable
"How are you?" requires effort with no payoff
Copy-paste messages feel impersonal

Personalized openers get responses:

Reference something specific from their profile
Ask about something they mentioned
Show you actually looked at who they are

Strategy 4: Give Them Something to Respond To

Make responding easy:

Ask a specific question
Comment on something with a clear follow-up
Give them a hook to grab

Bad: "Nice profile!" Better: "Your mention of competitive Scrabble got me curious—what's your highest-scoring word ever?"

Strategy 5: Be Interesting From Message One

Your opener should:

Show personality
Create curiosity
Invite response
Not feel like work to reply to

What Your Message Should Include

The Element of Specificity

Show you read their profile:

"I noticed you mentioned..."
"Your photo at [place]..."
"You said you're into [interest]..."

This immediately sets you apart from generic messages.

A Question or Invitation

Give them something to respond to:

A question about themselves
A topic to discuss
An opinion to share
Something easy to reply to

Your Personality

Let them see who you are:

Your sense of humor (if appropriate)
Your genuine interest
Your communication style
Something that makes you memorable

Appropriate Length

The Goldilocks zone:

Not too short (low effort signal)
Not too long (overwhelming)
2-4 sentences is usually right
Enough to be substantive, brief enough to read

Example Openers That Get Responses

Interest-Based

"Fellow board game enthusiast here. What's the last game you got really into? I've been on a card game kick lately."

Profile Reference

"Your bio mentions you're new to ENM—how's the exploration going? I remember that phase being both exciting and overwhelming."

Curiosity-Driven

"I'm curious about your travel photo in what looks like [place]. What brought you there?"

Playful

"Your profile gives off 'good conversation over wine' energy. Am I reading that right, or are you more of a 'debate over tacos' person?"

Direct

"I liked your profile enough to message first. What made you swipe right on mine?"

When They Still Don't Respond

Possibility 1: Give It Time

Wait 3-5 days:

They may be busy
App notifications vary
Life happens
Some people batch their responses

Possibility 2: One Follow-Up

After a few days, you can try:

"Hey, wanted to try one more time before assuming we're not connecting. Still interested in chatting if you are!"

Rules:

Only one follow-up
Don't be aggressive or guilt-tripping
Acknowledge the situation casually
Accept if they still don't respond

Possibility 3: Move On

After one follow-up with no response:

They're not interested
Unmatch if you want a cleaner match list
Or just leave it (they might come back)
Don't keep messaging

What Not to Do

Never:

Send multiple follow-up messages
Get angry or demand response
Make it about what they "owe" you
Turn hostile because you're hurt

Improving Your Match-to-Conversation Rate

Review Your Profile

Maybe the issue is what they see after matching:

Is your profile compelling?
Would you message yourself?
Any red flags or turnoffs?
Does your profile invite conversation?

Check Your Photo Lineup

First impressions matter:

Is your first photo your best?
Do your photos tell a story?
Are you presenting your best self?
Anything that might give pause on second look?

Assess Your Bio

Is it message-worthy?

Does it give conversation hooks?
Is it interesting enough to inspire contact?
Does it show personality?
Any turnoffs hiding in there?

Consider Your Desires

Misaligned desires might cause hesitation:

Too many? Might seem like you want everything
Too few? Might seem limited
Anything that conflicts with what they want?

The Numbers Game Perspective

Accept Some Silence

Reality of dating apps:

Not everyone you match with will become a conversation
Maybe 30-50% response rate is good
Some matches are never going to pan out
Quality over quantity

Focus on What You Control

You control:

Whether you message
When you message
What you say
How you follow up

You don't control:

Whether they respond
Why they swiped right
What's going on in their life
Their interest level

Improve the Controllables

Better messages → better response rates → more conversations → more connections

FAQ

How long should I wait before messaging? Don't wait. Message as soon as you match or within a few hours. There's no "playing it cool" benefit on dating apps.

What if messaging first feels desperate? It's not desperate—it's interested. Waiting and hoping is actually less confident than taking initiative.

Should I unmatch people who don't respond? Up to you. Some people clean their match list; others leave it. Occasionally someone responds weeks later. Do what feels right.

What if I don't know what to say? Read their profile and find something to comment on or ask about. If there's nothing, that might tell you something about compatibility anyway.

Related Guides

Matches Are Opportunities

Every match is a potential connection—but only if someone starts the conversation. Poise can help you craft openers that get responses and turn matches into real connections.