How to Approach Experienced Kinksters on FetLife (2026)

Experienced kinksters can be valuable connections—they have knowledge, community standing, and perspective that comes from years of involvement. But they also get approached constantly, often by people who want something from them without offering anything in return.

Here's how to approach experienced people respectfully and effectively.

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Understanding Their Position

What They Experience

Experienced people often get:

• Floods of messages from newbies
• People wanting free mentorship
• Requests for play without relationship
• Entitlement and demands
• The same questions repeatedly

They're often:

• Protective of their time
• Wary of people who just want something
• Selective about who they engage with
• Tired of certain patterns

Why This Matters for You

If you approach wrong:

• You'll be ignored
• You might be blocked
• You could damage your reputation
• You miss genuine opportunity

If you approach well:

• You stand out from the crowd
• Genuine connection becomes possible
• You may gain valuable knowledge
• You build community standing

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Before You Reach Out

Check Your Motivations

Ask yourself honestly:

• Why do I want to connect with this person?
• What am I hoping to get?
• What do I have to offer in return?
• Is this genuine interest or just wanting status?

Red flag motivations:

• "They're hot and experienced so they'd be good to play with"
• "They can teach me for free"
• "Being connected to them raises my status"
• "I deserve their attention"

Better motivations:

• "Their perspective on [topic] resonates with me"
• "I'd like to learn from their approach to [interest]"
• "We seem to share values about [thing]"
• "I appreciate their contributions to [discussion/community]"

Do Your Homework

Before messaging:

• Read their entire profile carefully
• Check if they're open to messages
• Look at their writings and contributions
• Understand what they're about
• See if you have genuine common ground

Consider Alternatives

Instead of cold messaging:

• Engage with their public content
• Participate in same groups
• Attend same events
• Let connection develop organically
• Build reputation they might notice

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Crafting Your Approach

Lead with Value, Not Requests

Don't open with:

• "Will you teach me?"
• "Can we do a scene?"
• "I've always wanted to experience [thing] with someone like you"
• "I need a mentor"

Instead open with:

• What you appreciate about their contribution
• Genuine engagement with their ideas
• A thoughtful question (that isn't asking for extensive help)
• Shared interest that sparked connection

Example Approaches

Appreciating their contribution:

"I read your piece on negotiation in the [group] and it really shifted how I think about ongoing consent. Thank you for sharing your perspective—it's shaped my approach as I'm learning."

Engaging with their ideas:

"Your comment on [post] about the difference between fantasy and practice resonated with me. I've been thinking about that distinction a lot lately. Would love to discuss further if you're open to it."

Shared interest:

"I noticed we're both interested in [specific thing]—your approach to it seems really thoughtful. I'm still learning but trying to develop a solid foundation."

What NOT to Do

Don't:

• Demand their time
• Expect extensive free mentorship
• Lead with what you want from them
• Pretend to be more experienced than you are
• Be sycophantic or performatively humble
• Send lengthy messages about yourself
• Propose play immediately

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Being a Good Community Member

Offer Before Asking

Ways to offer value:

• Thoughtful engagement with their content
• Helping with things they need
• Being a pleasant presence in shared spaces
• Bringing something to the community

Demonstrate Good Values

Show that you:

• Take safety seriously
• Understand consent
• Are learning and growing
• Aren't entitled
• Respect boundaries

Build Your Own Foundation

They're more likely to engage if you:

• Have a substantial profile
• Participate in community
• Show genuine interest in learning
• Aren't just collecting connections

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Navigating the Connection

If They Respond

Continue well:

• Be grateful without being sycophantic
• Engage substantively
• Don't immediately pivot to requests
• Let connection develop

Example:

"Thanks for taking the time to respond—I really appreciate your perspective. [Engaging response to what they said]."

Don't Expect Quick Mentorship

Understand:

• Mentorship relationships develop over time
• Not everyone wants to mentor
• You're not entitled to their teaching
• Earn connection through good interactions

Accept Their Boundaries

They may:

• Not have time for extensive connection
• Not be seeking what you want
• Want to engage only in certain ways
• Not respond at all

Respect whatever they offer or don't.

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Earning Mentorship (If That's What You Want)

Organic Development

Mentorship often happens through:

• Repeated positive interactions
• Them seeing your growth
• Mutual connection developing
• Natural fit emerging

Not through:

• Asking for a mentor
• Expecting free education
• Demanding their time
• Treating it as transaction

Being a Good Mentee

If mentorship develops:

• Be respectful of their time
• Do your own research too
• Apply what you learn
• Give back when you can
• Don't become dependent

Paying It Forward

The expectation:

• What you learn, you eventually share
• Support others as you grow
• Contribute to community
• Become the person who helps newbies

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Special Considerations

Approaching Teachers/Educators

If they teach professionally:

• Consider taking their classes
• Paying for instruction is appropriate
• Don't expect free teaching via messages
• Approach professional relationship first

Approaching Community Leaders

If they run groups/events:

• Participate in their spaces
• Support their events
• Build connection through involvement
• Don't skip straight to personal requests

Approaching Play Partners

If you want to play with someone experienced:

• Build connection first (always)
• Don't assume they want to play with newbies
• Let play interest develop naturally
• Demonstrate you're safe and respectful

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When It Doesn't Work

Handling No Response

If they don't respond:

• It's okay
• Don't send follow-ups
• Don't take it personally
• They get many messages
• Move on

Handling Rejection

If they decline:

• Accept it gracefully
• Thank them for their time
• Don't push
• Maintain respect

Learning From It

If approaches don't work:

• Reflect on what you offered
• Consider if your approach was appropriate
• Work on building your own foundation
• Find connection through other means

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FAQ

Is it wrong to want to learn from experienced people? Not at all. Just approach it with genuine interest, offer value, and don't expect free extensive mentorship as an entitlement.

How do I ask for mentorship without being annoying? Generally, you don't ask directly. Build connection, demonstrate good values, and let mentorship develop organically if it's going to.

What if I genuinely just want to learn from them? Show that through engagement, questions, and how you carry yourself. Take their classes if offered. Be a good community member they'd want to invest in.

What do I have to offer an experienced person? Fresh perspective, enthusiasm, good conversation, community participation, support, and eventually—paying it forward to others.

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Related Guides

• How to Write Your First FetLife Message
• FetLife Etiquette: Unwritten Rules You Need to Know
• Building Your Reputation in the Kink Community

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Respect Opens Doors

The kink community is generous with knowledge—to people who approach with respect and genuine interest. Be that person. Poise helps you communicate thoughtfully in all your connections.