Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Every online community has unwritten rules. FetLife's culture is shaped by decades of kink community norms, privacy concerns, and lessons learned from bad actors.

Here's what you need to know to avoid accidentally stepping on toes.

Messaging Etiquette

Before You Message

Read their profile first. If they've stated messaging preferences, follow them. "No messages from men" means no messages from men.

Check relationship status. Some people are owned/collared and require you to contact their dominant first.

Look for "looking for" info. If they're not looking for what you're offering, don't offer it.

Your First Message

DO:

Introduce yourself
Reference something specific from their profile
Be clear about why you're reaching out
Keep it reasonable length (3-5 sentences)

DON'T:

Start with "Hey" alone
Lead with compliments about their body
Assume they want to play with you
Send sexually explicit content without consent
Copy-paste generic messages

Example Good First Message

"Hi! I came across your writing about [topic] and really resonated with what you said about [specific point]. I'm [brief relevant info about you]. Would love to connect if you're open to it—feel free to check out my profile and let me know."

If They Don't Respond

Don't send follow-ups
Don't call them out publicly
Don't take it personally
Move on

Profile Etiquette

Viewing Profiles

Don't screenshot profiles
Don't share profile information outside FetLife
Don't mention seeing someone's profile in vanilla contexts
Respect that people may have reasons for their privacy settings

What to Put on Your Profile

Accurate, recent photos
Honest information
Clear statement of what you're looking for
Respect for others' privacy (don't tag people without permission)

What NOT to Put

Photos of others without their explicit consent
Someone's real name or identifying info
Screenshots of private conversations
Negative callouts of specific people

Group Etiquette

Joining Groups

Read group rules before posting
Introduce yourself in designated threads if that's the norm
Lurk a bit to understand the culture before actively posting

Posting in Groups

DO:

Stay on topic
Search before asking common questions
Contribute meaningfully to discussions
Be respectful in disagreements

DON'T:

Spam multiple groups with the same post
Hijack threads for self-promotion
Start drama or pile on in arguments
Post seeking partners in discussion groups (unless allowed)

Engaging With Others

Respectful disagreement is fine
Personal attacks are not
Don't "well actually" people
Credit others' ideas

Event Etiquette

Marking Attendance

Only mark "going" if you actually plan to attend
Update if your plans change
Don't mark "going" to events you know you can't attend (to snoop on who's going)

At Events

Consent for everything (photos, touch, even extended conversation)
Follow all stated rules
Don't photograph without explicit permission from everyone in frame
Tip well at vanilla venues
Don't out anyone outside the event

After Events

What happens at events stays confidential
Don't share others' attendance with people outside the community
If you're going to write about an event, get consent from anyone identifiable

Photo Etiquette

Your Photos

You own your photos; share what you're comfortable with
Remember: anything posted can be screenshot
Face photos increase connection but also risk
Nude photos are allowed but not required

Others' Photos

Never screenshot or download others' photos
Never share others' photos outside FetLife
Never save photos to use elsewhere
If someone deletes a photo, respect that decision

In Scenes

Always ask before photographing
Everyone in frame must consent
Don't photograph in public play spaces without explicit permission from everyone visible
Default is don't photograph unless specifically arranged

Relationship Status Etiquette

Respecting Structures

If someone says they're in a closed dynamic, don't pursue them
If someone is collared/owned, understand what that means before approaching
Don't try to "steal" people from their dynamics
Ask about relationship structure early if you're interested

Hierarchies and Protocols

If they have protocols (like needing permission to message), respect them
Don't judge others' relationship structures
What works for them isn't your business unless you're involved

Privacy and Discretion

The Golden Rule

Never out anyone. Ever. Not to their workplace, not to their family, not to their other communities. Outing someone is one of the most serious violations in kink community.

What This Means

Don't connect with people on vanilla social media without their explicit permission
Don't acknowledge someone from FetLife in vanilla spaces without their ok
Don't share anyone's FetLife presence with others
Don't discuss what you see on FetLife outside kink spaces

If You're Outed

Document everything
Report to moderators
Reach out to community support
Know your legal options if it causes harm

Consent Culture

Always Get Consent

For play: explicit negotiation
For touch: even a handshake, read body language
For photos: always ask first
For continued conversation: pay attention to signals

Consent Violations

If you see a consent violation:

Check in with the person affected if safe
Report to event organizers or moderators
Document if possible
Believe people who report violations

When Someone Says No

"No" is a complete sentence
Don't ask why
Don't try to convince them
Don't take it personally
Move on gracefully

Community Reputation

Building Good Reputation

Be consistent between online and in-person
Follow through on what you say
Respect people even when you're not interested in them
Contribute to community (volunteer, share knowledge, support events)

Damaging Your Reputation

Consent violations
Privacy violations
Drama-starting
Dishonesty
Treating people poorly

Reputation Is Everything

In kink community, reputation travels. Bad behavior will follow you. Good behavior opens doors.

Common Faux Pas

For Everyone

Messaging "hey" to strangers expecting replies
Sharing screenshots of private conversations
Posting unsolicited opinions on others' photos
Drama-mongering in groups

For Dominants

Assuming submission is owed
Using honorifics before they're earned
Acting entitled to attention or play
Not respecting that submissives have autonomy

For Submissives

Messaging dominants with "I'll do anything you want"
Not having personal boundaries
Assuming all dominants want submissions
Deferring to randos who haven't earned respect

For Everyone Dating

Treating FetLife like a hookup app
Pushing for immediate play
Not reading profiles before messaging
Making everything about your desires

When Things Go Wrong

If You Make a Mistake

Apologize genuinely
Don't make excuses
Learn from it
Adjust your behavior

If Someone Wrongs You

Call it out if safe to do so
Report to moderators if appropriate
Warn others if there's a pattern (carefully, factually)
Protect yourself first

FAQ

Is it rude to not respond to messages? No. You're not obligated to respond to anyone. A non-response is an answer.

Can I friend/follow someone I don't know? Yes, but they're not obligated to accept. Following is a lighter commitment than friending.

Is it okay to comment on others' photos? If they've posted publicly and comments are enabled, yes. Keep comments respectful.

What if I see someone I know in vanilla life? Pretend you didn't unless they acknowledge you first. Privacy is sacred.

Related Guides

Communicate With Respect

Etiquette is ultimately about respect. Poise helps you communicate thoughtfully in every context—building the reputation and connections that matter.