Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

FetLife isn't a dating app—it's a social network. And the best way to meet people on any social network is through shared activities. FetLife's events feature connects you to munches, workshops, parties, and everything in between.

Here's how to actually use it.

Types of FetLife Events

Munches

What they are: Casual social gatherings at vanilla venues (restaurants, bars, coffee shops). No kink activity—just people hanging out.

Good for: Beginners, meeting people, building community Typical size: 5-50 people What to wear: Normal street clothes

Sloshes

What they are: Like munches but at bars, often with drinking involved. More casual, sometimes rowdier.

Good for: Socializing, meeting kinksters in a relaxed setting Typical size: 10-30 people What to wear: Casual

Workshops and Classes

What they are: Educational events on specific topics—rope bondage, impact play, negotiation, etc.

Good for: Learning skills, meeting people with specific interests Typical size: Varies widely What to wear: Depends on the topic (workshop clothes vs. observation)

Play Parties

What they are: Events where kink activities happen. May be private venues or dungeons.

Good for: Experienced practitioners, watching and learning, meeting play partners Typical size: Varies What to wear: Often dress code (fetish wear, all black, etc.)

Conventions and Conferences

What they are: Multi-day events with workshops, vendors, play spaces, socializing

Good for: Immersive learning, meeting people from other areas Size: Dozens to thousands What to wear: Varies by event within the convention

Finding Events Near You

On FetLife

Events tab:

Log into FetLife
Click "Events" in the main menu
Filter by location
Browse upcoming events

Through groups:

Join local groups (your city, region)
Check group events listings
Follow active organizers

Search Strategies

Location-based: Search for your city name + "munch" or "kink" Interest-based: Search for specific activities (rope, leather, etc.) + your area Group-based: Find active local groups and check their event calendars

The Calendar View

FetLife's calendar shows events you're interested in or attending. Add events to track what's coming up.

Evaluating Events

Before Attending, Check:

The organizer:

How long have they been on FetLife?
Are they active in the community?
What do others say about their events?

The attendees:

Who's marked "going"?
Are there people you know or recognize?
What's the gender/experience mix?

The description:

Is it clear about what to expect?
Are rules and expectations stated?
Does it seem well-organized?

The venue:

Is it appropriate for the event type?
Is it accessible to you?
Does the location make sense?

Red Flags

Brand new organizer with no community presence
Vague descriptions
Play parties with no stated rules
Events requiring excessive personal info upfront
Reviews mentioning boundary violations

Preparing for Your First Event

Mental Preparation

Set realistic expectations:

You might not meet your perfect partner
It might be awkward at first
It takes time to feel comfortable
Most people are friendly but busy with their own friends

Manage anxiety:

It's normal to be nervous
Remember, others have been new too
You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with
You can leave anytime

Practical Preparation

For munches:

Know the venue address and parking
Bring cash (some venues are cash-only)
Have the organizer's contact info
Arrive slightly early or on time

For parties/play events:

Understand the dress code
Know the rules before arrival
Bring any supplies you might need
Have a safe call arranged

What to Bring

To munches:

Just yourself
Maybe business cards (some people have FetLife cards)
Cash for your own food/drinks

To play parties:

Your own toys (if you plan to play)
Safer sex supplies
Change of clothes
Water
Any required items per dress code

At the Event

Arriving

For munches:

Look for the group (they often have a sign or symbol)
Approach and introduce yourself: "Hi, I'm [name]. This is my first munch here."
Most munches are welcoming to newcomers

For parties:

Check in at the door
Get oriented (rules, layout, where things are)
Start by observing before engaging

Socializing

Conversation starters:

"Hi, I'm new here. How did you find out about this group?" "Is this your first time at this event?" "How long have you been part of this community?"

Things to avoid:

Asking about people's kinks immediately
Intense personal questions to strangers
Assuming everyone wants to play or date you
Ignoring social cues

At Play Events

If you're new:

Observing is completely valid
Don't interrupt scenes
Ask permission before touching anyone or anything
Follow all stated rules

If you want to play:

Negotiate beforehand, not in the moment
Make sure you know the space's rules
Have your boundaries clear
Don't assume anything

After the Event

Following Up

With the organizer:

"Thanks for hosting! I had a great time."

With people you met:

"Hey, we met at [event] last night. I enjoyed our conversation about [topic]. Would love to chat more sometime."

Building Relationships

One event rarely creates deep connections. Consistent attendance over time:

Makes your face familiar
Builds trust and reputation
Creates opportunities for connection
Establishes you as part of the community

Processing the Experience

Ask yourself:

Did I feel comfortable? Why or why not?
Did I meet anyone I want to get to know better?
Would I go to this type of event again?
What would I do differently?

Common Concerns

"What If I Don't Know Anyone?"

Everyone starts not knowing anyone. Options:

Introduce yourself to the organizer
Join conversations at common areas
Look for other people alone
Ask someone to introduce you around

"What If People Are Weird?"

Some might be, by mainstream standards. But "weird" often just means "different from what you're used to." Give people a chance.

"What If I See Someone I Know?"

They're there for the same reasons you are. Mutual discretion is standard. A nod of acknowledgment and carrying on is normal.

"What If I'm Asked to Do Something I Don't Want?"

Say no. A simple "No, thank you" is sufficient. Anyone who pushes past that is violating consent norms, and you can report them to organizers.

"What If I Feel Overwhelmed?"

It's okay to leave. Step outside, take a break, or go home. Your comfort matters.

Event Etiquette

Universal Rules

Consent is paramount
Don't photograph without explicit permission
Respect privacy and discretion
Follow all stated event rules
Don't be under the influence beyond social drinking (where allowed)

Munch Etiquette

Tip well (these venues host the community regularly)
Don't monopolize the organizer
Include newcomers in conversation
Don't try to pick up everyone

Play Party Etiquette

Never interrupt a scene
Ask before touching equipment
Clean up after yourself
Respect boundaries of play spaces
Follow dress code

Building Your Event Calendar

Start With

Munches: Lower stakes, great for meeting people

Then Add

Workshops: Learn skills, meet interest-aligned people

Eventually

Parties: When you feel ready and have built some connections

Consider

Travel events: Conventions and events in other cities can expand your network

FAQ

Do I need to be invited to attend? Most events are open—just RSVP on FetLife. Some private events require invitation.

What if I'm not kinky enough? There's no minimum kinkiness. Many event attendees are curious, exploring, or mostly vanilla.

Can I go alone? Absolutely. Many people attend solo.

What if I'm not out about kink? Use your scene name, don't share identifying details, and be mindful about photos.

Related Guides

Get Out There

FetLife events are where community happens. Poise helps you prepare for conversations and connections—so you can show up ready to engage.