Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Talking about limits can feel awkward or vulnerable—but it's essential for safe, consensual kink. A good limits conversation protects everyone and builds trust.

Here's how to discuss limits effectively.

Types of Limits

Hard Limits

Definition: Things you absolutely won't do, no exceptions

Characteristics:

Non-negotiable
Don't require explanation
Not up for persuasion
Violation is consent violation

Examples:

No blood play
No breath play
No public play
No face slapping

Soft Limits

Definition: Things you're uncertain about or might do under specific conditions

Characteristics:

Context-dependent
May change with trust/experience
Worth discussing conditions
Not automatic nos

Examples:

"Might try with established partner"
"Only if I'm in the right headspace"
"Interested but need more info first"
"Have tried, not sure I want to again"

Evolving Limits

Understanding:

Limits can change over time
Experience shifts perspectives
What was hard might soften
What was yes might become no
Normal and healthy

When to Discuss Limits

Before Any Play

Essential timing:

Well before scene starts
When both are clear-headed
With time for thorough discussion
Not in the heat of the moment

With New Partners

First time discussing:

Comprehensive conversation
Cover major categories
Establish foundation
Take time to be thorough

Ongoing Check-Ins

Even with regular partners:

Before each scene (quick check)
Periodically in depth
When trying new things
When anything changes

How to Start the Conversation

Make It Normal

Frame it as:

Standard part of kink
Sign of healthy communication
Something experienced people do
Not awkward—essential

Be Direct

Simply ask:

"Let's talk about limits before we play"
"What are your hard limits?"
"What's off the table for you?"
"Is there anything I should know?"

Share Your Own

Model vulnerability:

Share your limits too
Shows it's a two-way conversation
Demonstrates it's okay to have limits
Creates reciprocal sharing

What to Cover

Activities

For each potential activity:

Is it a yes, no, or maybe?
Any conditions?
Any specific concerns?
How it should be done?

Physical Limitations

Body-related:

Areas to avoid
Injuries or conditions
Physical limitations
Health considerations

Emotional/Psychological

Mental aspects:

Triggers to be aware of
Words or scenarios to avoid
Emotional vulnerabilities
Trauma considerations

Practical Limits

Logistics:

Time constraints
Where play can happen
Who can know
Other practical boundaries

Communicating Limits Clearly

Be Specific

Instead of: "No rough stuff" Better: "No impact play on my back, no marking on visible areas"

Instead of: "I have trauma" Better: "Please don't use the word [X] or restrain my hands above my head"

Explain If You Want

You can:

Explain why something is a limit
Or simply state the limit
Explanations aren't required
But can help understanding

Don't Minimize

Avoid:

"This is probably silly, but..."
"I know this is weird..."
"You probably think this is dumb..."

Instead:

State limits clearly and confidently
They're valid regardless of "reason"

Receiving Limits

Listen Without Judgment

When partner shares:

Don't question the validity
Don't push for explanation
Accept what they say
Thank them for sharing

Don't Try to Change Limits

Never:

Persuade them out of a limit
"But it's really hot"
"You'd like it if you tried"
Pressure them at all

Take Them Seriously

Remember:

Every limit is real
They know themselves
Violations break trust
Respecting limits is basic

Ask Clarifying Questions

Okay to ask:

"Does that include [related thing]?"
"Under any circumstances, or only sometimes?"
"Is there a way to do something similar that would work?"
(Only if appropriate and non-pressuring)

When Limits Aren't Compatible

Mismatched Interests

Sometimes:

Your must-have is their hard limit
No overlap in interests
Incompatible needs
This happens and is okay

Accepting Incompatibility

If limits don't align:

Neither person is wrong
Doesn't mean bad negotiation
Just means not a match for this
Can be friends, play differently, or part ways

Not Compromising on Hard Limits

Hard limits:

Aren't negotiating points
Shouldn't be compromised
Don't find "middle ground" on
Are what they are

Ongoing Limit Communication

Check In Regularly

Periodically ask:

"Have any limits changed?"
"Anything new I should know?"
"Still good with [X activity]?"
"How are you feeling about what we've done?"

Update When Things Change

Communicate when:

You develop new limits
Old limits soften
Experience changes perspective
Anything shifts

Create Safety to Share

Partners need to feel:

Safe to update limits
Not judged for changes
Heard when they speak up
Supported in their boundaries

Difficult Limit Conversations

Past Trauma

If trauma-related:

Share what you're comfortable with
Partner doesn't need full history
Focus on what they need to know
Seek professional support if needed

Embarrassing Limits

If it feels awkward:

It's still valid
State it anyway
Good partners won't judge
Your safety matters more than embarrassment

Limits That Affect Relationship

If a limit impacts things:

Honest conversation
May require adjustment
Better than violations
Relationship health first

FAQ

Do I have to explain why something is a limit? No. "This is a limit" is complete. You can choose to explain, but you don't owe explanation.

What if I realize I have a limit mid-scene? Use your safeword or stop signal. You can always identify new limits. Communicate as soon as you can.

What if my partner doesn't have the same limit? That's fine—the most restrictive limit applies. If one person has a limit, it's a limit for that dynamic.

How do I know if a limit is hard or soft? Hard limits are non-negotiable. Soft limits have conditions or might change. If you're not sure, call it hard until you know otherwise.

Related Guides

Limits Protect Everyone

Clear communication about limits keeps everyone safe and makes kink more enjoyable. Don't skip these conversations. Poise helps you communicate your needs with clarity and confidence.