Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Negotiation is the foundation of good kink. Before any scene, you need clear communication about wants, limits, safety, and logistics. Good negotiation makes scenes safer, more satisfying, and builds trust.

Here's how to negotiate effectively.

Why Negotiation Matters

Safety First

Negotiation ensures:

Both parties know what's happening
Limits are understood and respected
Safety measures are in place
Consent is informed and specific

Better Experiences

Good negotiation leads to:

Clearer expectations
Less mid-scene confusion
More satisfying play
Trust and connection

Building Trust

Through negotiation you:

Demonstrate respect
Show communication skills
Build foundation for ongoing play
Create partnership, not power trip

What to Negotiate

Activities

Discuss what you want to do:

Specific activities planned
What each person is interested in
What's on the table
What's explicitly off the table

Limits

Essential to know:

Hard limits (absolute nos)
Soft limits (not now, or proceed carefully)
Boundaries around each activity
What would make you stop

Safewords/Signals

Agree on:

Safeword (commonly "red")
Slow down word (commonly "yellow")
Non-verbal signals if gagged
How checking in will work

Physical Considerations

Discuss:

Injuries or health conditions
Areas to avoid
Physical limitations
Medical information if relevant

Emotional Considerations

Address:

Triggers to be aware of
Emotional vulnerabilities
What might come up
How to handle if it does

Aftercare Needs

Plan for after:

What each person needs post-scene
Physical needs (water, blankets, food)
Emotional needs (cuddling, talking, space)
Check-in timing

How to Have the Conversation

Set the Right Context

Create space for negotiation:

Not in the heat of the moment
Both sober and clear-headed
Enough time to discuss fully
Private and comfortable setting

Ask Open Questions

Good questions:

"What are you hoping to experience?"
"What are your hard limits?"
"How can I tell if you need to stop?"
"What does aftercare look like for you?"

Share Your Own Information

Be forthcoming about:

Your experience level
Your limits and boundaries
Your desires and interests
What you need to feel safe

Listen Carefully

Negotiation requires:

Active listening
Asking clarifying questions
Confirming understanding
Not dismissing anything shared

First-Time Play Partners

Extra Thoroughness

With new partners:

More detailed negotiation
More safety measures
More check-ins planned
More conservative start

What to Cover First Time

Essential for new partners:

Complete discussion of activities
All limits explicitly stated
Experience levels shared
References or vetting if possible

Starting Conservative

For first scenes:

Start lighter than you might
Build trust before intensity
Can always do more later
Err on side of caution

Ongoing Play Partners

Renegotiate Regularly

Even with established partners:

Check in before each scene
Acknowledge anything that's changed
Don't assume from last time
Quick check-in at minimum

What Changes

Things that might shift:

Mood or headspace
Physical state
New limits or interests
Relationship dynamics

Streamlined but Still Present

With established partners:

Can be briefer
But still happens
"Same as last time plus/minus X"
Never skip entirely

Negotiating Specific Elements

Intensity

Discuss:

How intense you want the scene
Scale of 1-10 if helpful
What intensity looks like for this activity
How to communicate during about level

Duration

Agree on:

How long the scene might last
Any time constraints
Check-in points during
How to signal wanting to wrap up

Physical Marks

Address:

Is marking okay?
Where can marks be left?
What kind of marks?
Any to avoid (visible, etc.)?

Sexual Contact

Be explicit about:

Whether sex is on the table
What kinds of sexual contact
Protection and STI status
Boundaries around sexual elements

Red Flags in Negotiation

Watch Out For

Concerning signs:

Pressure to skip negotiation
Dismissing your limits
"Trust me" without earning trust
Unwillingness to discuss safety
Getting defensive about questions

What Good Partners Do

Healthy signs:

Welcome thorough negotiation
Respect all stated limits
Share their own information openly
Ask clarifying questions
Make you feel safe raising concerns

When to Walk Away

Don't proceed if:

Your limits aren't respected in negotiation
They're evasive about safety
Something feels off
They push back on negotiation itself

Common Negotiation Mistakes

Too Vague

Problem: "Let's just do some BDSM stuff" Better: Specific activities, specific limits, specific safety measures

Assuming Understanding

Problem: Using terms without defining them Better: Clarify what you mean by each term

Negotiating in the Moment

Problem: Trying to negotiate when already aroused Better: Negotiate well before scene starts

Not Discussing Aftercare

Problem: Scene ends with no plan Better: Explicit aftercare discussion

Forgetting Safewords

Problem: No clear way to stop Better: Always establish and confirm safewords

Documentation and Memory

Write It Down

Consider:

Notes during negotiation
Checklist to cover everything
Record of what was agreed
Reference for next time

Yes/No/Maybe Lists

Useful tool:

Comprehensive activity list
Each person marks yes/no/maybe
Compare lists
Great starting point

Don't Rely on Memory

In the moment:

Easy to forget details
Having it written helps
Especially for complex scenes
Or new partners

After Negotiation

Confirm Understanding

Before starting:

Summarize what you've agreed
Confirm safewords one more time
Check both parties are ready
Any last questions or additions

It's Okay to Add

If you realize:

Something you forgot to mention
New concern that arose
Something you want to clarify
Add it before starting

Permission to Change Mind

Even after negotiation:

You can say no
You can narrow scope
You can decide not to proceed
Negotiation isn't contract of obligation

FAQ

How long should negotiation take? As long as needed. First time with someone might be an hour. Established partners might be 5-10 minutes. Never rush it.

What if I forget something during negotiation? Bring it up when you remember—before, during, or after scene. It's always okay to add information.

Is negotiation a buzzkill? No—it's foreplay for kink. Good negotiation builds anticipation and shows partnership. Many people find it hot.

What if my partner doesn't want to negotiate? That's a major red flag. Safe, ethical kink requires negotiation. Don't play with people who skip it.

Related Guides

Negotiate Every Time

Good negotiation isn't optional—it's what makes kink ethical and enjoyable. Take the time to do it right. Poise helps you build the communication skills that make all your conversations better.