Yes/No/Maybe Lists for Kink Negotiation (2026)

Yes/No/Maybe lists are one of the most useful tools in kink. They help you know yourself, communicate with partners, and negotiate scenes effectively. Whether you're new to kink or experienced, these lists are valuable.

Here's how to use them well.

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What Is a Yes/No/Maybe List

The Basic Concept

A list of kink activities where you mark each as:

• Yes: Things you want to do/are interested in
• No: Things you don't want to do (hard limits)
• Maybe: Things you're curious about, might try under right circumstances, or need to know more about

Why They're Useful

Lists help you:

• Identify your interests and limits
• Communicate clearly with partners
• Compare compatibility
• Start negotiation conversations
• Discover things you hadn't considered

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How to Fill Out Your List

First Time Through

Approach it by:

• Going through each item
• Initial gut reaction
• Not overthinking
• Being honest with yourself

Categories Beyond Yes/No/Maybe

Some people add:

• Give vs. receive (for applicable activities)
• Experience level (done vs. want to try)
• Interest level (1-5 scale)
• Notes (conditions, specifics)

Take Your Time

Don't rush:

• It can be a lot to process
• Come back to uncertain items
• Research things you don't know
• Let it evolve over time

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Using Lists with Partners

Sharing and Comparing

How to use together:

• Each person fills out their own
• Share and compare
• Identify overlaps and differences
• Discuss maybes and conditions

Starting Conversations

Lists open discussion about:

• What you have in common
• Where limits differ
• What maybes mean
• Conditions and context

Not a Complete Negotiation

Lists are:

• A starting point
• Not replacement for conversation
• General preferences, not scene-specific
• Foundation, not the whole structure

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Common Categories on Lists

Impact Play

Includes:

• Spanking
• Flogging
• Caning
• Paddling
• Various implements

Bondage

Includes:

• Rope bondage
• Cuffs/restraints
• Spreader bars
• Suspension
• Various positions

Sensation Play

Includes:

• Temperature (ice, wax)
• Pinching/clamps
• Scratching
• Tickling
• Various textures

Power Exchange

Includes:

• Dominance/submission
• Service
• Rules and protocols
• Titles and address
• Various dynamics

And Many More

Lists typically cover:

• Dozens to hundreds of activities
• Organized by category
• Ranging from mild to extreme
• Comprehensive for thoroughness

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Interpreting Your Results

What Your Yeses Tell You

Your yeses indicate:

• Clear interests
• Where to focus with partners
• What energizes you
• Potential areas for growth

What Your Nos Tell You

Your nos indicate:

• Hard limits to communicate
• Boundaries to protect
• What's not for you
• Non-negotiable lines

What Your Maybes Tell You

Maybes are often:

• Things you're curious about
• Context-dependent interests
• Things needing more information
• Growth edges to explore

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Evolving Lists Over Time

Your List Will Change

Normal to:

• Move items between categories
• Discover new interests
• Develop new limits
• Change with experience

Regular Review

Update your list:

• Periodically (every 6-12 months)
• After significant experiences
• When entering new relationships
• As you learn and grow

Track Changes

Helpful to:

• Notice patterns in how you're changing
• See what you've explored
• Observe your evolution
• Understand yourself better

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Where to Find Lists

Online Resources

Many available:

• Various kink websites
• Community resources
• Apps designed for this
• Comprehensive and specific versions

Custom Lists

You can also:

• Create your own
• Modify existing lists
• Add activities relevant to you
• Remove categories that don't apply

Start Somewhere

Even a basic list:

• Gets you started
• Can be expanded
• Better than nothing
• Improves with use

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Tips for Effective Lists

Be Specific

Instead of: "Bondage - Yes" Better: "Rope on arms - Yes, Suspension - No, Restraints - Maybe"

Note Conditions

Example:

• "Impact play - Yes (avoid kidneys)"
• "Wax - Maybe (need to test for sensitivity)"
• "Blindfolds - Yes (with established partners only)"

Distinguish Give vs. Receive

For many activities:

• Interest in doing to someone
• Interest in having done to you
• Can be completely different
• Note both where applicable

Rate Your Interest

Beyond just yes:

• How interested?
• Priority level?
• Would seek out vs. would try?
• Helps partners understand enthusiasm level

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Common Mistakes

Not Being Honest

Problem: Marking things as yes to seem open-minded Better: Honest answers protect you and inform partners

Leaving Too Many Maybes

Problem: Everything is "maybe" = no useful information Better: Push yourself to decide, note conditions on maybes

Not Updating

Problem: Using an outdated list Better: Review and update regularly

Treating It as Complete Negotiation

Problem: "We exchanged lists, negotiation done" Better: Lists start conversation, not replace it

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For Different Relationship Types

New Partners

With new partners:

• Exchange lists before meeting
• Use as conversation starter
• Focus on overlapping yeses
• Discuss critical nos

Established Partners

With existing partners:

• Periodic re-exchange
• Acknowledge changes
• Discover new common interests
• Update understanding of each other

Casual Play

For more casual connections:

• Essential for safety
• Focus on scene-specific items
• Quick reference
• Protects everyone

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FAQ

How long does it take to fill out? First time might be an hour or more for comprehensive lists. Updates are quicker. Take the time you need.

What if I don't know what something is? Research it, or mark "need more information." Better to learn than guess.

What if I change my mind after marking something? Lists can change. Nothing is permanent. Just communicate changes to partners.

Should I share my full list with everyone? Up to you. Some share fully, others share what's relevant to potential play. Decide your comfort level.

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Related Guides

• How to Negotiate a Kink Scene
• How to Discuss Limits with Kink Partners
• Assessing Kink Compatibility Before Play

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Know Yourself First

A good Yes/No/Maybe list helps you understand your own desires and communicate them clearly. It's an investment in safer, more satisfying kink. Poise helps you communicate your interests and needs effectively.