Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

In ENM, knowing about someone's other partners matters—for practical reasons, emotional reasons, and compatibility reasons. But asking can feel awkward. What's okay to ask? When? How?

Here are the scripts and approaches you need.

Why You'd Want to Know

Practical Reasons

Logistics:

Scheduling around their other commitments
Understanding their availability
Knowing who they're connected to

Compatibility Assessment

Fit questions:

Does their relationship structure work with yours?
Are they saturated or looking for more?
What kind of partner are they?

Safety Considerations

Health and safety:

STI considerations
Who's in their intimate network
Risk profile of their connections

Emotional Clarity

Understanding:

How they feel about their other partners
Where you fit in their life
What you might be to them

When to Ask

Early Conversation (Appropriate)

Good early questions:

"What's your relationship situation?"
"Are you currently seeing other people?"
"What's your partner situation like?"

These are normal getting-to-know-you questions in ENM contexts.

Getting More Serious (Appropriate)

As things develop:

More specific questions about structure
How their relationships affect availability
What their other partners know about you

Before Physical Intimacy (Often Necessary)

Health-related:

Who they're intimate with
Barrier use with others
Testing practices

After You're Established (Ongoing)

Continued communication:

Check-ins about changes
Updates that affect you
New developments

What's Okay to Ask

Generally Appropriate

Basic questions:

How many partners do you have?
What's your relationship structure?
Are you looking for additional partners?
What do your partners know about us?

Practical questions:

When do you typically see your other partners?
How does scheduling usually work for you?
What kind of availability do you have?

Safety questions:

What safer sex practices do you have?
When were you last tested?
What's your barrier use with other partners?

Usually Appropriate (Depending on Context)

Relationship dynamics:

How long have you been with your other partners?
Do you have a primary/nesting partner?
What does your hierarchy look like (if any)?

About you specifically:

What have you told them about me?
How do they feel about you dating?
Would I ever meet them?

Ask Carefully / May Be Too Personal

Sensitive territory:

Details about their other partners' lives
Intimate details about other relationships
Specific information their other partners might not want shared

What's Not Your Business

Generally Off-Limits

Respect privacy of others:

Their other partners' personal information they haven't shared
Details of their other relationships that don't affect you
Specifics about their other partners' lives, families, etc.

Your Partner's to Share (Or Not)

Their discretion:

How their other relationships are going emotionally
Private details of other relationships
Information their other partners consider confidential

The Test

Ask yourself:

Do I need this information, or am I just curious?
Would this person be comfortable with me knowing this?
Is this any of my business?

How to Ask

Frame With Context

Why you're asking:

"I'm trying to understand your situation so I know what to expect. Can I ask about your other partners?"

"As we're getting more serious, I'd like to know more about your relationship structure. Is that okay?"

Be Direct but Respectful

Good approach:

"How many other people are you currently seeing?"

"What does your partner know about us dating?"

Acknowledge It Might Feel Awkward

Normalizing:

"I know these questions can feel strange, but I want to be on the same page about your other relationships."

Leave Room for Boundaries

Respecting limits:

"I have some questions about your partner situation. Let me know if anything feels too personal—I don't want to pry."

Specific Scripts

Early Dating Stage

General structure question:

"I'd love to hear more about your relationship situation. Are you seeing other people? What does that look like?"

Availability question:

"What's your typical schedule like? I'm trying to understand how dating fits into your life."

As Things Get Serious

More detailed:

"Now that we're seeing each other more, I'd like to understand your other relationships better. Can you tell me about who else you're seeing?"

About your place:

"I'm curious where I fit into your relationship structure. What do your other partners know about me?"

Before Intimacy

Health conversation:

"Before we move forward physically, I want to make sure we're on the same page about safer sex. Can we talk about who you're intimate with and what practices you have?"

Ongoing Check-ins

Regular updates:

"Anything new with your other relationships I should know about? Any changes that affect us?"

When They Don't Want to Share

Respect Their Boundaries

Possible responses:

"I understand if that's private. Is there anything you can share that helps me understand your situation?"
"I respect that you don't want to share details. Can you at least tell me what I need to know for scheduling/safety?"

Consider What It Means

If they won't share basics:

Is this a red flag?
Are they protecting privacy appropriately, or hiding something?
Does this work for you?

Decide What You Need

Your requirements:

What do you actually need to know vs. want to know?
What's a dealbreaker if not shared?
Where's your boundary?

What You Should Share in Return

Reciprocity Matters

Be prepared to share:

Your own relationship situation
Information about your partners
Your practices and agreements

Model Transparency

If you want openness:

Demonstrate it yourself
Share proactively
Create a culture of transparency between you

Common Concerns

"Will It Seem Like I'm Jealous?"

Reframe:

Asking questions isn't jealousy
It's information-seeking
Healthy communication
Frame it as practical, not anxious

"What If They Think I'm Prying?"

Approach:

Ask permission first
Explain your reasons
Accept boundaries gracefully
There's a difference between curiosity and interrogation

"What If I Don't Like the Answers?"

Reality:

Better to know than not
You can make informed decisions
Some answers might not work for you
That's valid information too

FAQ

Should I ask to see photos of their other partners? That's often too personal unless offered. You can ask generally what they're like, but don't expect/demand visual information.

Can I ask about problems in their other relationships? Be careful. This is sensitive territory. If it affects you, yes. If it's just curiosity, probably not your business.

What if they have a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) policy? Decide if that works for you. Many ENM people don't do DADT. Know your needs.

Should I share what they tell me with my other partners? Not without permission. What they share with you isn't automatically yours to share.

Related Guides

Information Is Connection

Asking about their other partners builds understanding and trust. Poise can help you navigate these conversations with curiosity and respect.