Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

You've been practicing ENM, and your partner says they want to close the relationship. Maybe they're struggling with jealousy. Maybe they've realized it's not for them. Maybe circumstances have changed.

This is one of ENM's most difficult conversations. Here's how to navigate it.

First: Understand What They're Saying

Listen Before Reacting

Don't respond immediately. Understand first:

What specifically are they asking for?
Why now?
What's driving this?
Is this final or exploratory?

Questions to Ask

"Can you tell me more about what's bringing this up?"

"What specifically isn't working for you?"

"Is this something you've been feeling for a while, or is this new?"

"What would closing the relationship solve for you?"

What Might Be Behind the Request

Possibility 1: ENM Isn't Right for Them

Some people try ENM and genuinely discover it doesn't fit:

The emotional labor is too high
Jealousy isn't manageable
It conflicts with their values
They want partnership structure ENM doesn't offer

If this is true: The request is about fundamental compatibility, not a problem to solve.

Possibility 2: Something Specific Is Wrong

Sometimes "close the relationship" means something more specific:

A particular metamour is the problem
Too much time is going to dating
They feel neglected
A boundary was violated

If this is true: The request might actually be about addressing that specific issue.

Possibility 3: Life Circumstances

External factors can make ENM harder:

Health issues
Work stress
Major life changes
Parenting demands

If this is true: The request might be about capacity, not preference.

Possibility 4: Fear or Insecurity

Sometimes the request comes from:

Fear of losing you
Insecurity triggered by something specific
Comparison to your other relationships
Worry about the future

If this is true: The underlying emotions might be addressable without closing.

Having the Conversation

Creating Space

Set up for success:

"This is an important conversation. Can we find a time when we're both rested and have privacy to really talk about it?"

Approach with openness:

"I want to understand what you're feeling and figure out what's best for both of us."

Getting to the Root

Explore what they're actually asking:

"When you say you want to close the relationship, what does that specifically mean to you?"

"Is there something particular that's happened that's brought this up?"

"What do you imagine would be different if we closed?"

Sharing Your Side

Be honest about your feelings:

"I hear you, and I want to share how I'm feeling about this too."

Express what ENM means to you:

"ENM has become an important part of my identity/life/happiness. Closing would be a significant change for me."

Without attacking:

~~"You're just jealous and need to work on yourself."~~ ✓ "I understand this is hard for you. I want to find something that works for both of us."

Possible Responses

If You're Willing to Close

If, after consideration, you can accept closing:

"I've thought about this, and while I value the ENM parts of our life, I value our relationship more. I'm willing to close if that's what you need."

But be honest with yourself:

Can you genuinely be monogamous?
Will you resent this?
Is this sustainable long-term?

If You're Not Willing to Close

If ENM is too important to give up:

"I've thought deeply about this. ENM has become a core part of who I am. I'm not able to commit to long-term monogamy. I know that's hard to hear."

This might mean:

Finding a compromise
Accepting incompatibility
Ending the relationship

If You Need Time

If you don't know yet:

"This is a big thing you're asking, and I need time to sit with it. Can we revisit this in a week after I've had time to process?"

Exploring Middle Ground

Partial Closing Options

Before all-or-nothing, consider:

Pausing new relationships (keeping existing)
Closing temporarily (6 months, reassess)
Reducing frequency/intensity
Closing to new people, maintaining current connections
Different degrees of openness

Questions to Explore

"Is there a version of ENM that might work better for you?"

"What if we took a break from new connections while we worked on us?"

"Could we close temporarily and revisit this in [timeframe]?"

Scripts for Middle Ground

Proposing a pause:

"What if we stopped pursuing new connections for six months and focused on us? We can reassess then."

Proposing reduced activity:

"What if I reduced my dating to once a month and we increased our couple time?"

Proposing specific changes:

"It sounds like the issue is [specific thing]. What if we addressed that directly instead of closing entirely?"

If You Have Other Partners

The Complication

Closing affects more than just you two:

You have relationships with other people
They have invested emotionally
Ending those relationships has real impact

Communication with Other Partners

If closure becomes likely:

"I need to talk to you about something difficult. My partner is asking to close our relationship. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I wanted to be honest with you."

If you decide to close:

"I've made a difficult decision. I need to end outside relationships to work on my primary partnership. I'm so sorry. This isn't about you—it's about what I need to do for that relationship."

Ethical Considerations

Closing doesn't erase obligations:

Be honest with other partners ASAP
Don't string them along while deciding
Give them dignity in the ending
Acknowledge their feelings matter too

When You Can't Agree

The Impasse

If one person needs monogamy and the other can't do it:

This is a fundamental incompatibility
Neither person is wrong
You may not be able to stay together

Facing That Reality

Script:

"It seems like you need monogamy to be happy, and I need the freedom of ENM to be happy. I don't know how to reconcile that."

What Comes Next

Options include:

Couples therapy to work through
Trial periods to test different arrangements
Accepting incompatibility and separating
One person compromising (unsustainable?)

After the Decision

If You Close

End outside relationships ethically
Allow grief for what you're losing
Invest in the relationship you're prioritizing
Don't hold resentment
Revisit if circumstances change

If You Stay Open

Address their underlying concerns
Increase support and reassurance
Make changes to what isn't working
Monitor how they're doing
Don't dismiss their struggles

If You Separate

Acknowledge the loss
Allow yourself to grieve
Learn from the relationship
Neither person is the villain

Getting Support

For the Conversation

ENM-friendly couples therapist
Trusted friends (not in the polycule)
Online communities for perspective

For the Transition

Whatever you decide, support helps:

Individual therapy
Community support
Time and patience with yourselves

Related Guides

Navigate Difficult Decisions Together

This conversation requires exceptional care. Poise helps you find the words for the hardest discussions—with compassion, clarity, and respect for everyone involved.

Download Poise and communicate through difficult times.

When a Partner Wants to Close the Relationship (2026)