Red Flags When Dating as ENM (2026 Warning Signs)

Ethical non-monogamy requires... ethics. Unfortunately, not everyone practices it ethically. Knowing what red flags to watch for helps you find genuine connections and avoid people who'll waste your time or cause harm.

This guide covers the warning signs specific to ENM dating—from unicorn hunters to cheaters-in-disguise.

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General ENM Red Flags

🚩 Won't Discuss Their Partner(s)

If they claim to be ENM but:

• Get evasive when you ask about their partner
• "It's complicated" with no explanation
• Can't/won't explain their relationship structure
• You're not allowed to know they exist

Why it's a red flag: They might be cheating, or their partner might not actually consent.

🚩 Partner "Doesn't Need to Know"

Variations:

• "My partner and I don't discuss details"
• "What they don't know won't hurt them"
• "It's don't ask, don't tell"

Why it's a red flag: DADT can be legitimate, but often masks non-consent. Ask how you'd verify their partner actually knows.

🚩 Can't Be Verified

• Won't video call before meeting
• No social media presence
• Won't introduce you to their partner (ever)
• Everything is secret

Why it's a red flag: Legitimate ENM people can typically verify their situation somehow.

🚩 "My Partner Doesn't Know Yet"

They're going to:

• Ask permission after meeting you
• Tell their partner soon
• Open the relationship eventually

Why it's a red flag: This is planning to cheat, not ENM. Don't be someone's affair.

🚩 New to ENM and Already Breaking Rules

Claims like:

• "We just opened, partner is okay with it" (can't verify)
• "We're figuring out our rules" (none established)
• "My partner is learning to be okay with this" (hasn't consented)

Why it's a red flag: New ENM needs clear agreements before dating, not during.

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Unicorn Hunter Red Flags

What's Unicorn Hunting?

Couples seeking a "unicorn" (typically a bisexual woman) with problematic dynamics:

• The third is expected to date both equally
• She can't have outside relationships
• Couples privilege goes unquestioned
• She's an addition to their relationship, not a person

Not all couples seeking thirds are unicorn hunters, but many are.

🚩 "Package Deal" Mentality

• "You have to date both of us or neither"
• No option for individual connections
• Equal feelings expected/required

Why it's a red flag: Real relationships develop organically. Demanding equal attraction to two different people is unrealistic.

🚩 Only One Person Communicates

If it's a couple profile but:

• Only one person messages
• The other is "shy" or "busy"
• You won't meet both until you commit

Why it's a red flag: The absent person may not be genuinely interested—or may not exist.

🚩 Strict Rules That Only Apply to You

• You can't have other partners
• You can't see them separately
• You can't say no to one of them
• They can veto you at any time

Why it's a red flag: These rules protect their relationship at your expense.

🚩 "She's Bi-Curious"

Common unicorn hunter code for:

• One partner (often the woman) is "exploring"
• She's not genuinely attracted to women
• You're an experiment, not a person
• He's the one who really wants this

Why it's a red flag: You deserve partners who are actually attracted to you, not performing for someone else.

🚩 All About Their Fantasy

• They describe in detail what they want to do to you
• No interest in what you want
• Your role is predetermined
• You're filling a slot, not building a relationship

Why it's a red flag: You're a prop in their fantasy, not a person.

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Cheating Red Flags

🚩 Only Available at Odd Times

• Late night only
• Never weekends
• Disappears during holidays
• Schedules are secretive

Why it's a red flag: They're hiding you from someone.

🚩 Paranoid About Privacy

Beyond reasonable caution:

• Can't be tagged on social media
• Anxiety about being seen in public
• Specific neighborhoods/areas off-limits
• Phone always face down

Why it's a red flag: This is affair behavior, not ENM.

🚩 The "Separated" or "Divorcing" Claim

• Partner doesn't know about the separation
• Still living together "for the kids"
• "It's basically over"
• Divorce is always coming "soon"

Why it's a red flag: These are classic cheating cover stories.

🚩 Won't Add You on Social Media

• Not even private accounts
• Claims not to use social media (but you find them)
• Partner can never know you exist

Why it's a red flag: You're being hidden.

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Boundary Red Flags

🚩 Pushes After You Say No

• "Just this once"
• "Why not?"
• "I thought you were sex-positive"
• Tries again after you've declined

Why it's a red flag: Consent in ENM is paramount. Early pushing = later problems.

🚩 Dismisses Your Boundaries

• "That seems excessive"
• "My other partners don't have that rule"
• Acts like your limits are a problem

Why it's a red flag: Your boundaries are yours. Partners should respect them.

🚩 STI Talk Avoidance

• Gets defensive when you ask about testing
• "I'm clean" with no details
• Refuses to use protection
• Dismisses your safer sex practices

Why it's a red flag: Sexual health communication is essential in ENM.

🚩 "Rules Are Meant to Be Broken"

• Brags about bending agreements
• Dismisses their partner's boundaries
• "They'll never know"

Why it's a red flag: They'll do the same to you.

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Communication Red Flags

🚩 Love Bombing

• Intense feelings immediately
• "You're different from everyone"
• Future planning before you've met
• Overwhelming attention early on

Why it's a red flag: This intensity is unsustainable and often manipulative.

🚩 Won't Answer Basic Questions

• Vague about relationship structure
• Avoids discussing what they're looking for
• Can't explain their ENM style

Why it's a red flag: Transparency is the foundation of ENM.

🚩 Bad-Mouths Partners or Exes

• Current partners are described negatively
• Every ex was "crazy"
• They're the victim in every story

Why it's a red flag: They'll talk about you this way too.

🚩 Inconsistent Stories

• Details change over time
• Can't keep their story straight
• Partners don't know what they've told you

Why it's a red flag: Honesty is non-negotiable in ENM.

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How to Respond to Red Flags

Trust Your Gut

If something feels off, it probably is. You don't need proof to protect yourself.

Ask Direct Questions

When you spot a flag, ask:

• "Can you tell me more about your partner situation?"
• "How would your partner describe your agreement?"
• "Can we video call before meeting?"

Honest people answer directly. Evasion is information.

It's Okay to Walk Away

You don't owe anyone:

• A chance to explain
• The benefit of the doubt
• Your time or energy
• Continued conversation

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Related Guides

• How to Screen People on Feeld
• How to Talk About STI Testing
• What Is a Unicorn in Polyamory
• How to Set Boundaries in Open Relationships

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Protect Yourself While Dating

Spotting red flags early saves you from bigger problems later. Poise helps you ask the right questions, trust your instincts, and communicate clearly about what you need in ENM dating.

Download Poise and navigate ENM dating safely.