Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

STI conversations are non-negotiable in ethical non-monogamy—but that doesn't make them less awkward. Many people avoid these talks because they don't know how to start or worry about killing the mood.

This guide helps you normalize STI conversations and make them a standard, low-drama part of your dating life.

Why This Conversation Matters

The ENM Context

In non-monogamy:

More partners = more potential exposure points
Your partners' partners' health affects you
Chains of connection multiply risk
Everyone deserves informed consent about risk

What Silence Creates

Avoiding the conversation leads to:

Assuming without knowing
Risk you didn't consent to
Potential exposure to infections
Broken trust when issues emerge
Stigma winning over health

The Goal

Make STI conversations:

Normal, not shameful
Practical, not dramatic
Informative, not interrogative
Ongoing, not one-time

When to Have This Conversation

Before Sex

The basic rule: before any sexual contact that could transmit infections. This includes:

Oral sex
Penetrative sex
Any genital contact
Sharing toys

How Early?

Options:

In the profile: "I test regularly and expect the same"
Early messaging: Before meeting in person
First date: If things are heading physical
Before clothes come off: Latest acceptable moment

Earlier is better—it screens for compatibility and avoids awkward last-minute reveals.

How to Start the Conversation

Normalizing It

Frame it as standard practice:

"Before we go further, I want to talk about sexual health. It's something I do with everyone—just part of how I practice ENM."

Making It Mutual

Offer your info first:

"I got tested last month—everything came back negative. I test every three months since I have multiple partners. What's your testing situation?"

Low-Pressure Phrasing

Avoid making it feel like an interrogation:

"Can we do the STI check-in? I know it's not sexy but it's important to me."

"I like to talk about safer sex before we get physical. What works for you in terms of barriers and testing?"

What to Actually Discuss

The Essential Questions

When were you last tested?
What were you tested for? (Different tests cover different things)
What were the results?
Have you had new partners since?
What barriers do you use?
What are your expectations/agreements?

Tests to Know About

| Infection | How it's tested | Notes | |-----------|-----------------|-------| | HIV | Blood test | Get tested 2-4 weeks after potential exposure | | Chlamydia | Urine or swab | Very common, often asymptomatic | | Gonorrhea | Urine or swab | Can infect throat too—ask for oral swab if needed | | Syphilis | Blood test | On the rise in many areas | | Herpes | Blood test or swab | Many people have it; rarely included in standard panels | | HPV | Pap smear (cervical) | No standard test for people without cervixes |

What "Full Panel" Often Misses

Standard STI panels usually don't include:

Herpes (unless you specifically ask)
HPV
Oral gonorrhea/chlamydia

Ask specifically for what you want tested.

Discussing Barriers

Topics to cover:

Condoms for penetration (always? situationally?)
Barriers for oral sex
Gloves for manual sex
Dental dams
What's negotiable vs. non-negotiable

Handling Different Scenarios

If They Have Something

STIs are common. If someone discloses:

Thank them for telling you
Ask questions (transmission, management, precautions)
Research before deciding
Don't shame or panic

Having an STI doesn't make someone a bad partner—it makes them honest.

If They Haven't Been Tested Recently

Options:

Wait until they get tested
Use barriers and accept some risk
Decide it's not compatible with your practices

You're allowed to have standards.

If They Refuse to Discuss

Major red flag. Someone who won't have this conversation:

Isn't practicing ethical non-monogamy
Doesn't respect your health
Probably isn't having these talks with others either

If You Have Something to Disclose

Be direct:

"I have herpes. I take suppressive medication and use barriers, which reduces transmission risk significantly. I wanted you to know before we decide how to proceed."

You don't need to disclose your life history—just current relevant status.

Ongoing Conversations

It's Not a One-Time Talk

STI conversations should happen:

Before initial intimacy
After new partners join your network
When testing status changes
If agreements change
Regularly (quarterly check-ins work well)

With Established Partners

Even in long-term relationships:

Update after testing
Discuss when you add new partners
Revisit if anyone's risk profile changes
Don't assume—communicate

Network Conversations

In poly networks:

You may need info about metamours' practices
Discuss what info gets shared and how
Create agreements about testing frequency
Handle exposures as a team

Making It Less Awkward

Reframe It

This conversation is:

Care for yourself and each other
Sexy because it shows maturity
A green flag, not a red flag
Normal adult behavior

Practice the Scripts

The more you do it, the easier it gets:

Start with friends (normalize the language)
Practice in the mirror
Have your standard opener ready
It becomes routine with repetition

Timing Tips

Not in the heat of the moment
When you're both clothed and clear-headed
Before alcohol/substances impair judgment
When there's time to discuss without pressure

Resources

Where to Get Tested

Primary care doctor
Planned Parenthood
Sexual health clinics
At-home test kits (stdcheck.com, everlywell, etc.)

How Often

General ENM guideline:

Every 3 months if actively dating multiple people
After each new partner (with appropriate window periods)
When anything concerning happens

Cost Considerations

Many clinics offer sliding scale
At-home tests range from $50-200
Insurance often covers testing
Free clinics exist in many areas

Related Guides

Have These Conversations with Confidence

STI conversations shouldn't be scary—they should be normal. Poise helps you find the words, practice difficult conversations, and make sexual health communication a natural part of your dating life.

Download Poise and communicate about sexual health clearly.

How to Talk About STI Testing in Non-Monogamous Dating (2026)