Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Few topics in polyamory are as debated as veto power—the ability for one partner to end another partner's relationship. It's a practice some consider necessary and others consider unethical.

Here's a balanced look at the debate.

What Is Veto Power?

The Definition

Veto power is an agreement that allows one partner to require another to end a relationship:

"If my primary partner says so, I have to end things with you"
Usually applies to existing partners vetoing new ones
Can be explicit agreement or implicit assumption

How It Typically Works

The structure:

Primary/existing partner has veto right
New/secondary partners are subject to it
Veto can be exercised at any time
Vetoed relationship must end

The reasoning:

Protects existing relationship
Provides safety net for primary
Gives control over who affects your life

The Arguments Against Veto Power

1. It Treats People as Disposable

The concern: A new partner invests emotionally, builds connection, then can be discarded at someone else's decision—with no voice.

The impact:

New partners have no security
Their feelings don't matter in the equation
They're essentially auditioning, not building

2. It Creates Unhealthy Power Dynamics

The concern: The vetoing partner has unilateral power over someone else's relationship—that's not ethical relating.

The structure:

One person has power
The other has none
The relationship can't be equal

3. It Doesn't Solve the Real Problem

The argument: If a partner feels threatened by a new relationship, the veto addresses the symptom, not the cause:

What's the underlying insecurity?
Why isn't this addressed through communication?
What happens when the next threat emerges?

4. It's Often Unnecessary

The alternative: If someone's new relationship is genuinely harmful, their partner can:

Express concerns
Request changes
Set boundaries
End their own relationship if needed

They don't need formal veto power for any of this.

5. It Limits Growth

The concern: Veto power protects against discomfort that might actually lead to growth:

Jealousy that could be worked through
Insecurity that could be healed
Change that could be positive

The Arguments For Veto Power

1. It Provides Security for Primaries

The reasoning: Opening up is scary. Veto power gives the primary partner a safety valve:

"We can try this, knowing I have an out"
Reduces fear of being replaced
Helps people take the leap

2. It Can Protect Against Genuine Threats

The scenario: Sometimes a new partner is genuinely problematic:

Red flags the dating partner doesn't see
Behavior that threatens existing relationship
Situations where outside perspective matters

3. It's a Stepping Stone

The argument: For couples new to ENM, veto power might be a helpful training wheel:

Used while building skills
Removed as trust develops
Better than not opening at all

4. It Reflects Real Hierarchy

The logic: If a primary relationship actually takes priority, veto power makes that explicit:

Honest about the hierarchy
Clear expectations for new partners
No hidden power dynamics

5. It's Consent-Based

The defense: If everyone agrees to it—including new partners who enter knowing the rules—it's consensual:

New partners can decline
The structure is transparent
Everyone makes informed choices

The Ethical Problems

Even When Consensual

Some argue that consent doesn't make it ethical:

Power imbalances affect ability to truly consent
New partners may agree hoping it never gets used
Desperation for connection can compromise consent

The Practiced Reality

In practice, veto power often:

Gets used when a primary feels threatened, not when there's genuine danger
Hurts the new partner significantly
Doesn't address underlying issues
Creates resentment in the middle partner

Who Has Power?

Primary: Has veto
New partner: Has no veto
Middle partner: Loses either way

Alternatives to Veto Power

1. Influence, Not Control

The approach: Partners can express concerns and have significant influence without having absolute control:

"I have serious concerns about your relationship with [person]. Here's why. I'm asking you to hear me and consider this, but ultimately it's your decision."

2. Specific Boundaries Instead

The approach: Rather than "I can end it," specific protective boundaries:

"I need you to not bring new partners into our home yet." "I need two date nights a week to stay ours regardless." "I need you to not share certain information with them."

3. Pause Power

The approach: Rather than ending, the ability to slow things down:

"I'm struggling. Can you pause escalation with [person] while we work through this?"

4. Mutual Agreements with Exit Clauses

The approach: Everyone agrees to conditions, and if conditions aren't met, there are consequences:

"We've agreed that if either of us feels the relationship is threatening our partnership, we'll prioritize working on us. If that requires reducing outside relationships, we'll discuss that together."

5. Trust and Communication

The approach: Instead of formal power, rely on:

Trusting your partner's judgment
Communicating concerns openly
Working through difficult feelings
Believing they care about your relationship

If You Have Veto Power

Use It Carefully

If your agreement includes veto:

Consider it the nuclear option
Address concerns through communication first
Use it only when genuinely necessary
Understand the impact on everyone

Questions to Ask Before Using It

Have I communicated my concerns clearly?
Have we tried to address this other ways?
Am I reacting from jealousy or genuine concern?
What will this do to my partner's other relationship?
What will this do to my relationship with my partner?

The Relationship You're Actually Ending

When you veto:

You end someone else's relationship
You potentially damage your own (through resentment)
You don't necessarily fix the underlying issue

If You're Subject to Veto Power

What to Know

Before entering a relationship where someone has veto:

You have less security
Your investment can be ended by someone else
You're not building on equal footing

Questions to Ask

Under what circumstances would they use veto?
Has it been used before?
How do I feel about this dynamic?
Is this worth the risk?

It's Okay to Decline

You can decide this structure doesn't work for you:

"I understand you have a veto agreement with your partner. I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with that structure. I wish you well."

Finding Your Answer

No Universal Right Answer

Different people land differently on this:

Some couples use it and it works
Others find it harmful
Many evolve away from it
Some never consider it

Questions for Your Relationship

What protection do we actually need?
Can we achieve that protection without veto?
What do we lose by having veto power?
What do we lose by not having it?

The Evolution

Many couples:

Start with veto power for security
Never use it
Realize they don't need it
Remove it as trust builds

That's a valid journey.

Related Guides

Communicate Through Complexity

Whether you use veto power or not, ENM requires exceptional communication. Poise helps you have the conversations that build trust and protect relationships.

Download Poise and communicate with care.