Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

You've discovered you're interested in ethical non-monogamy. Your partner is firmly monogamous—or at least hasn't considered anything else.

This is delicate territory. Here's how to approach it thoughtfully.

Before You Say Anything

Check Your Motivations

Ask yourself honestly:

Do I want polyamory, or am I dissatisfied with this relationship?
Am I hoping ENM will fix something that's broken?
Would I still want this if my relationship were perfect?
Is this about exploration or escape?

If it's about escape: Address the relationship issues directly. Don't use ENM as a workaround.

Understand What You're Asking

Opening up means:

Potential for your partner to also date others
Significant relationship renegotiation
Emotional work for both of you
Risk to the current relationship

If you want to date others but hope your partner doesn't, that's not ethical.

Know You Can't Force It

Your partner gets to say no. If they're genuinely not interested, you'll face a choice:

Stay monogamous
End the relationship
(Sometimes) negotiate something both can live with

There's no way to "convince" someone into wanting polyamory.

Starting the Conversation

Setting the Stage

Timing:

When you're both calm and connected
Not during conflict
With enough time for real conversation
Privately, without distractions

Approach:

Curious, not demanding
Open to their reaction
Without ultimatums
As an invitation to explore, not a declaration

Opening Lines

Inviting exploration:

"There's something I've been thinking about that I'd like to share with you. It's not an emergency or a complaint—I've just been exploring some ideas about relationships and I want to talk them through with you."

Being honest:

"I've been curious about non-monogamy. I'm not saying I need to do it or that anything's wrong with us—I'm just curious about it and wanted to be honest with you about that."

Making it collaborative:

"I've been reading about ethical non-monogamy, and some of it resonates with me. I'm wondering if you'd be open to exploring these ideas together, just to see what we each think."

What Not to Say

Don't:

"I've already downloaded Feeld"
"I need this or I'll leave"
"I've always wanted this but never told you"
"Everyone's doing it now"
"You're not meeting all my needs"

If They're Curious

Go Slow

If your partner shows interest:

Don't rush to create profiles
Let them process and research
Answer questions honestly
Explore together at their pace

Resources to Share

Books:

The Ethical Slut
Opening Up
More Than Two
Polysecure

Other:

Podcasts about ENM
Articles (like this one)
Community events (just to learn, not to date)

Questions to Explore Together

"What appeals to you about this, if anything?"
"What concerns you?"
"What would you need to feel safe?"
"What boundaries would be important?"

If They're Reluctant

Listen First

If they're hesitant, understand why:

Is it fear? Of what specifically?
Is it values? Do they believe in monogamy deeply?
Is it confusion? Do they just need more information?
Is it hurt? Are they feeling rejected by the question?

Address Their Concerns

"Am I not enough?"

"This isn't about you not being enough. You are. It's about exploring a different relationship structure, not replacing what we have."

"You just want to cheat with permission"

"I understand why it might seem that way. Ethical non-monogamy is different from cheating—it's about honesty and consent. I'm not trying to get away with something."

"I don't want to share you"

"That feeling is valid. I'm not asking you to ignore that feeling. I'm asking if we can talk about this more deeply and see if there's something that could work for both of us."

"What if you find someone better?"

"That fear exists in any relationship. I'm committed to you, and I'd want us to build something that strengthens us, not threatens us."

What "No" Looks Like

Firm no:

"I've thought about it and I'm not interested. I want to be monogamous."

If they say this: Respect it. You can revisit later if they indicate openness, but don't push.

Unsure no:

"I don't think so, but I'd be willing to learn more before deciding."

If they say this: Provide resources without pressure. Give them space to process.

If They Say Yes to Exploring

Before Downloading Feeld

Discuss:

What are we each looking for?
What boundaries do we need?
How will we handle difficult emotions?
What's our communication plan?

Prepare:

Read resources together
Talk about jealousy and how you'll handle it
Agree on how fast or slow to go
Consider couples counseling for support

Creating Profiles Together

Decide:

Are you dating together, separately, or both?
Are you making a shared profile or individual ones?
What are you each seeking?
What will you share with each other?

On Feeld:

Be honest about your situation (new to ENM)
Clarify your structure
Avoid unicorn-hunting language
Treat potential matches as full people

The Gradual Approach

Not All or Nothing

Opening up can happen in stages:

Stage 1: Education

Reading and discussing
Attending events (just learning)
Understanding the lifestyle

Stage 2: Exploration

Creating profiles to see what's out there
Matching but not meeting
Getting comfortable with the idea

Stage 3: Tentative Steps

First dates (coffee, casual)
Processing reactions together
Adjusting boundaries as needed

Stage 4: Active ENM

Regular dating
Developing other relationships
Ongoing renegotiation

Check-Ins Along the Way

At each stage:

"How are you feeling about this?"
"What's working? What isn't?"
"Do we need to pause or adjust?"
"Are we still connected?"

If It's Not Working

Signs to Pause

One partner is miserable
Trust is eroding
Primary relationship is suffering
Jealousy is overwhelming
You're not communicating well

Closing Back Up

It's okay to:

Take a break
Slow way down
Return to monogamy
Acknowledge this wasn't right for you

Trying ENM and deciding it's not for you isn't failure.

The Partner's Perspective

If You're the Reluctant Partner

If your partner asked you to read this:

Your feelings are valid
You don't have to want this
Curiosity isn't commitment
Your consent matters

What You Might Ask Your Partner

"Why do you want this?"
"What are you hoping to get that you're not getting?"
"Are you committed to our relationship regardless?"
"What happens if I can't do this?"

Related Guides

Navigate This Together

Opening a relationship requires exceptional communication. Poise helps you find the words for these crucial conversations—expressing desires, addressing fears, and building agreements.

Download Poise and communicate through this transition.

How to Bring Your Monogamous Partner onto Feeld (2026)