Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Moving from FetLife messages to meeting in person is exciting—but it requires care. The kink community has developed safety practices for good reasons.

Here's how to vet, verify, and meet safely, with templates for each stage.

Before Meeting: Vetting Basics

What You're Checking For

Are they who they say they are?
Do they have community reputation?
Do their stories add up?
Are there red flags in how they communicate?
Would meeting them be safe?

Information to Gather

Basic verification:

Real first name
General location
How long in the community
What events they've attended

Community connections:

Do you know anyone in common?
What groups are they active in?
Can anyone vouch for them?

Communication assessment:

Are they consistent?
Do they respect boundaries in messages?
How do they handle disagreement?

Step 1: Extended Messaging

What to Look For

During the message phase:

Consistency in their stories
Respect when you set small boundaries
Interest in you as a person, not just your kink
Willingness to answer reasonable questions
No pressure to meet before you're ready

Message Template: Asking About Community

"Before we think about meeting, I'd like to know more about your community involvement. What events have you attended? Are you active in any local groups? Do we have any mutual connections?"

Message Template: Getting Basic Info

"I'm enjoying our conversation. Before we go further, I'd feel more comfortable knowing a bit more about you—what's your real first name, and how long have you been active in the community?"

Step 2: Video Verification

Why Video Matters

A video call before meeting:

Confirms they look like their photos
Shows how they communicate in real time
Gives you a feel for their vibe
Is reasonable to request

Message Template: Requesting Video

"I'd love to keep chatting, but before we plan to meet in person, I'd feel more comfortable doing a quick video call. Even just 10-15 minutes so we can see each other and chat a bit. Are you open to that?"

If They Refuse

Red flag. Someone unwilling to video call before meeting may be:

Hiding something about their appearance
Not who they claim to be
Not serious about your comfort

"I understand privacy concerns, but a video call is pretty standard before meeting someone from online. If that's not something you're comfortable with, I don't think meeting in person makes sense for me."

Step 3: Reference Checking

Asking Around

Before meeting, especially for any kink activity:

Message people who know them
Ask event organizers
Check their community interactions

Message Template: Asking a Mutual Connection

"Hey [name], I've been chatting with [person] and they mentioned you know each other. I'm considering meeting them and wanted to check in—what's your experience with them? Any concerns I should know about?"

Message Template: Asking Them for References

"Before we meet, I'd like to speak with someone who can vouch for you. Is there anyone in the community who knows you that I could reach out to? I'm happy to provide the same if you'd like."

How They Respond Matters

Good sign: They readily provide references Concerning: They refuse, get defensive, or claim nobody knows them

Step 4: The First Meeting

Where to Meet

Good first meeting locations:

Coffee shops
Casual restaurants
Public bars
Community munches (ideal—built-in vetting)

Avoid for first meetings:

Their home or yours
Private locations
Anywhere you can't easily leave
Play parties (until you've met in a vanilla setting)

Safety Measures

Before:

Tell a friend where you're going and who with
Share their FetLife profile with your friend
Agree to check in at a specific time
Have your own transportation

During:

Watch your drinks
Trust your instincts
Leave if something feels off
Don't feel obligated to stay longer than comfortable

After:

Check in with your friend
Don't go to a private location this time
Process how you felt about them

Message Template: Setting Up the Meeting

"I'd love to meet you. How about [coffee shop/restaurant] this [day]? Somewhere public works best for a first meeting—hope that works for you too."

If They Push Back on Safety

Common Pushback

"Don't you trust me?"
"This seems like a lot"
"Real submissives don't need all this"
"I've never had to do this before"

How to Respond

"These are standard safety practices in the community. Anyone experienced would understand that. If this is too much for you, we're probably not a good match."

Someone who resists basic safety measures is showing you who they are.

Special Considerations

Meeting for Kink vs. Meeting for Coffee

First meeting (vanilla):

Public location
No play expectations
Getting to know each other
Assessing compatibility

If considering play later:

Multiple vanilla meetings first
Detailed negotiation required
References become more critical
Consider community introduction (munches, events)

If They're New to the Community

More caution needed:

Can't be verified through community
No track record to check
Doesn't mean unsafe, but means less information
Rely more on gut instincts and observable behavior

Long Distance Considerations

If meeting someone from another area:

Extra video calls first
Meet in public for first in-person
Don't go directly to private location
Have a local contact in their city if possible

Red Flags to Watch For

Before Meeting

Refuses video call
Won't provide basic information
Gets angry about safety questions
Pressure to meet immediately
Nobody can vouch for them

At the Meeting

Shows up looking different than photos/video
Pressures you to leave the public space
Dismisses your boundaries
Seems different than in messages
Makes you uncomfortable in any way

Trust Your Gut

If something feels wrong, it probably is. You can always leave.

After the First Meeting

If It Went Well

You can arrange another meeting
Still take it slow
Verify your impressions with second meeting
Discuss what you're both looking for

If It Didn't Go Well

You don't owe them another chance
You don't need to explain why
Trust your assessment
Move on without guilt

Related Guides

Communicate Safety Needs Clearly

Setting up safe meetings requires clear communication. Poise helps you articulate your safety requirements, ask the right questions, and navigate pre-meeting conversations with confidence.

Download Poise and meet safely with clear communication.

From FetLife to Real Dates: Meeting Safely (2026)