Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Negotiation isn't a buzzkill—it's the foundation of safe, consensual kink. Good negotiation creates the space for everyone to fully enjoy the experience.

This guide walks you through negotiation before, during, and after play, with scripts for each stage.

Why Negotiation Matters

What Negotiation Does

Establishes informed consent
Identifies limits and desires
Prevents harm and misunderstandings
Builds trust between partners
Creates better, more satisfying experiences

What Happens Without It

Boundaries get crossed accidentally
Trauma gets triggered unexpectedly
One person has a bad experience
Trust breaks down
Kink gets a bad reputation

Before: Pre-Scene Negotiation

When to Have This Conversation

Before any play happens
In a neutral, non-sexual setting
When both people are sober and clear-headed
With enough time to discuss thoroughly

What to Cover

Basic information:

Experience levels
Current physical/mental state
Medications or conditions that affect play
STI status if relevant

Boundaries:

Hard limits (absolute nos)
Soft limits (maybes with discussion)
Triggers to avoid

Desires:

What you're hoping to experience
What's exciting to you
What you want to explore

Practical elements:

Safewords and signals
Safe calls and check-ins
Aftercare needs
Timeframe

Script: Starting the Conversation

"Before we do anything, I want to make sure we're on the same page about boundaries and desires. Can we talk through what's okay, what's off-limits, and what we're both hoping for?"

Script: Discussing Limits

"Let's talk about hard limits first—things that are completely off the table, no negotiation. For me, those include [list]. What about you?"

"Now for soft limits—things that might be okay under certain circumstances or that you're curious about but cautious. Mine are [list]. How about yours?"

Script: Discussing Desires

"What are you hoping to get out of this experience? What sounds exciting to you?"

"For me, I'm really interested in [specific activities]. How do you feel about those?"

Script: Safewords

"What safeword system do you use? I typically use [system]. Let's make sure we're using the same one."

Common systems:

Stoplight: Red (stop everything), Yellow (pause/check in), Green (good, continue)
Plain language: "Stop" or "Safeword" means stop
Non-verbal: Tap out, drop an object

Negotiation Frameworks

The Yes/No/Maybe List

Go through activities together:

Yes: Actively want to do
No: Hard limit
Maybe: Could be open to discussing

Many lists are available online. Go through together, compare notes, discuss.

The Questions Method

Ask each other:

What do you want to experience?
What do you definitely not want?
What might you be open to?
What do you need to feel safe?
What aftercare do you need?

The Scenario Method

If there's a specific scene in mind:

"Here's what I'm imagining... [describe]. How does that sound? What would you change? What concerns do you have?"

During: In-Scene Communication

Continuous Consent

Negotiation doesn't end when play begins:

Check in regularly
Watch for non-verbal signals
Respond immediately to safewords
Adjust based on feedback

Script: Checking In

"How are you doing? Color?"

"Is this intensity working for you?"

"Do you want more, less, or to keep this pace?"

Script: Adjusting

"I'm noticing [observation]. Let's pause and check in."

"I want to try [activity]. Are you up for that right now?"

Non-Verbal Communication

Agree on signals beforehand:

Thumbs up/down
Tapping out
Dropping an object
Specific sounds

Especially important when someone can't speak (gags, etc.).

When Safewords Are Used

If someone safewords:

Stop immediately
Check in with them
Provide what they need (space, comfort, water)
Don't push for explanation right away
No shame or guilt—safewords are for using

After: Debrief and Aftercare

Immediate Aftercare

What people commonly need after play:

Physical: Water, blankets, snacks, physical comfort
Emotional: Reassurance, connection, quiet presence
Time: Space to process before talking

Script: Immediate Check-In

"How are you feeling? What do you need right now?"

"I'm here with you. Take your time."

Later Debrief

After some time has passed:

What worked well?
What would you do differently?
Any concerns or things to address?
What did you learn about each other?

Script: Debrief Conversation

"I'd love to talk about how that went when you're ready. No pressure on timing."

"What was your favorite part? What would you want to adjust next time?"

"Was there anything that didn't work for you that I should know about?"

If Something Went Wrong

Things don't always go perfectly:

Acknowledge what happened
Take responsibility where appropriate
Listen without defensiveness
Discuss how to prevent it in future
Consider whether to continue playing together

"I know [thing] happened and that wasn't what we agreed to. I'm sorry. Can we talk about it?"

Special Considerations

New Partners

With someone new:

More detailed negotiation needed
Start slower and lighter
Build trust before intense play
Multiple sessions before high-risk activities

Ongoing Relationships

With established partners:

Still negotiate each scene
Don't assume consent carries over
Check in about evolving limits
Regular relationship-level discussions

Power Exchange Dynamics

In D/s or M/s relationships:

Negotiate the dynamic itself
Establish standing agreements
Define scope and exceptions
Build in regular review periods

Common Negotiation Challenges

"This Ruins the Mood"

Actually, it often enhances it:

Builds anticipation
Creates trust that enables deeper surrender
Ensures everyone is genuinely into it
Good communication is sexy

"I Don't Know What I Want"

That's okay:

"I'm still figuring out what I like. Can we start slow and check in frequently?"

"They Got Offended"

If someone reacts badly to negotiation questions, that's a red flag:

Safe partners welcome safety discussions
Offense at boundaries = not a safe partner
Trust that reaction as information

Unequal Experience Levels

When one person is more experienced:

More experienced person should lead negotiation
Never pressure the less experienced person
Go at the pace of the less experienced
Educate without condescending

Negotiation Checklist

Before any scene, confirm:

[ ] Hard limits discussed
[ ] Soft limits discussed
[ ] Desired activities agreed
[ ] Safewords established
[ ] Physical/mental state checked
[ ] STI status discussed (if relevant)
[ ] Aftercare needs identified
[ ] Emergency contacts/safe calls arranged
[ ] Time boundaries set

Related Guides

Communicate with Confidence

Good negotiation is good communication. Poise helps you find the words for these important conversations—articulating desires, setting boundaries, and building trust with partners.

Download Poise and negotiate kink with clarity.

Negotiating Kink: Before, During, and After (Complete Guide)