Name: Poise - AI Dating Coach
Author: Poise

Most people treat their FetLife profile as the main attraction. But the real magic happens in Writings—the blogging feature that lets you show who you are, not just list what you're into.

Here's how to use Writings to connect with compatible people.

Why Writings Matter

Profiles Are Limited

Your profile shows:

Basic demographics
Kinks listed
A bio (often generic)
Photos

Writings show:

How you think
How you communicate
Your perspective on kink
Your personality depth

Writings Create Connection

When someone reads your writing and resonates with it, they already feel like they know you. Messages from those people are more likely to be good matches.

Writings Establish Presence

Regular, thoughtful writings establish you as an active community member—not just someone with a profile collecting dust.

Types of Writings That Work

Personal Reflections

Share your journey, experiences, or thoughts:

"What I've Learned After Two Years of Rope"
"Why I Identify as [Role] and What It Means to Me"
"Processing My First [Experience]"

Why it works: Shows vulnerability, authenticity, and self-awareness.

Relationship Musings

Thoughts on how you approach kink relationships:

"What I Look For in a [Top/bottom/partner]"
"How I Navigate ENM and Kink"
"What Protocol Means in My Dynamic"

Why it works: Attracts people who share your values and approach.

Educational Content

Share knowledge or perspectives on kink topics:

"A Beginner's Guide to [Activity]"
"Safety Tips for [Specific Kink]"
"Understanding [Concept] in Power Exchange"

Why it works: Establishes expertise and gives value to the community.

Experience Narratives

Share stories (with consent from anyone involved):

"How [Event/Scene] Changed My Perspective"
"A Weekend at [Convention]"
"What I Learned at My First Dungeon Night"

Why it works: Engages through storytelling and shows you're active.

Opinion Pieces

Thoughtful takes on community issues:

"Why I Disagree with [Common Practice]"
"Rethinking How We Talk About [Topic]"
"What the Community Gets Wrong About [Subject]"

Why it works: Shows you think critically and have perspectives worth engaging with.

Writing Style Tips

Be Authentic

Don't perform. Write the way you'd talk to a friend over coffee. The goal is to attract people who like the real you.

Show Vulnerability

Perfect people are boring. Share struggles, uncertainties, growth. This creates connection.

"I used to think being a [role] meant [thing]. I've learned it's more complicated..."

Use Specific Details

Generic writing doesn't stick. Specific details make writing memorable.

Generic: "I had a great scene." Specific: "The moment when they relaxed completely into the rope, exhaling that held breath—that's the moment I live for."

Keep It Readable

Break up long paragraphs
Use headers for longer pieces
Don't bury the point
Edit for clarity

Engage Emotionally

The best writings make people feel something. What do you want readers to experience?

What NOT to Write

Pure Erotica (Unless...)

Erotica can be powerful, but pure fiction doesn't tell people about you. If you write erotica, make sure you also have writings that show the real you.

Rage-Posts

Venting about bad experiences or community drama rarely attracts good attention. Process privately, post thoughtfully.

Vague Philosophizing

"I believe in communication and consent" tells people nothing. Everyone says that. Be specific about what those values mean in practice.

Inauthentic Posturing

Writing what you think sounds impressive rather than what you actually believe or experience. People can tell.

Identifying Information About Others

Never write anything that could identify people without their explicit permission.

How Often to Write

Consistency > Frequency

Better to post monthly quality pieces than daily fluff. Pick a sustainable pace.

Start With

One piece every 1-2 weeks until you have a small library of writings (5-10 pieces).

Then Maintain

Whatever pace feels sustainable. Monthly is fine. When you have something worth saying, write it.

Getting Engagement

Share in Relevant Groups

When you write something, share it in appropriate FetLife groups:

Your local community group
Interest-specific groups (rope, power exchange, etc.)
Discussion groups that match the topic

Tag Appropriately

Use FetLife's tagging system so people searching those topics can find you.

Engage With Comments

When people comment on your writings, respond. This builds connection and community.

Comment on Others' Writings

Reading and thoughtfully commenting on others' writings builds mutual connections.

Writing to Attract Partners

Be Clear About What You Want

Somewhere in your writings, make it clear what kind of connections you're seeking:

"I'm currently looking for [type of connection]. What I value most is [qualities]..."

Show Your Values

What matters to you in kink relationships? Write about it:

"For me, the negotiation process is as important as the play itself..."

Demonstrate Communication Skills

How you write is a sample of how you communicate. Show you can express yourself clearly and thoughtfully.

Address Potential Partners Directly

Occasionally write pieces aimed at who you're looking for:

"What I'd Want a [Potential Partner] to Know About Me"

Building a Writing Practice

Getting Started

If you're not a natural writer:

Read others' writings to see what resonates
Start with something easy—a reflection on a recent experience
Don't aim for perfect—aim for honest
Write a draft, let it sit, then edit

Prompts to Get You Going

What did you learn from your last kink experience?
What do you wish you knew when you started?
What does [your role] mean to you?
How has your approach to kink evolved?
What's something you struggle with in the community?

Making Time

If writing feels hard:

Write in small chunks
Voice-record your thoughts and transcribe
Keep a notes document of ideas
Set a specific time for writing

Privacy Considerations

What to Share

Your own thoughts and feelings
Your own experiences (without identifying others)
General observations
Opinions and perspectives

What Not to Share

Others' identifying information
Details that could out someone
Private conversations without permission
Anything you wouldn't want seen by everyone

Your Own Privacy

Use your scene name if that matters to you
Don't share real-world identifying details
Remember: Anything posted can be screenshot

Measuring Success

Good Signs

Thoughtful comments and engagement
Messages from people who read your work
People referencing your writings in conversation
Growing follower count

Less Important

Numbers of "Loves"
Viral posts (often attract wrong attention)
Controversial engagement

The Real Metric

Are you attracting messages from compatible people? That's what matters.

FAQ

I'm not a good writer. Should I still post? Yes. Authentic beats polished. Most people aren't professional writers—they just share honestly.

What if no one reads my writings? They build up. Share them, be patient. One piece rarely takes off—a body of work creates presence.

Can I write about past relationships? Carefully. Focus on your own experience, don't identify others, and consider how they'd feel if they read it.

Should I write about kinks I'm exploring vs. experienced in? Both. Just be clear about your experience level when relevant.

Related Guides

Find Your Voice

Writing on FetLife shows who you are beyond a profile. Poise helps you communicate authentically everywhere—from writings to messages to conversations.