The STI Talk: Scripts for Non-Monogamous Dating (2026)
How to discuss STI testing, status, and safer sex practices in ENM relationships. Scripts that make the conversation easier and less awkward.
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In ENM, sexual health conversations aren't optional—they're essential. Multiple partners means more communication about STIs, testing, and safer sex.
Here's how to have these conversations without awkwardness.
Why This Conversation Matters More in ENM
The Network Effect
When you're non-monogamous:
- Your sexual health affects multiple people
- Their partners' health affects you
- Decisions have broader impact
- Transparency is essential
The Expectation
In ENM communities:
- STI conversations are normal and expected
- Regular testing is standard practice
- Transparency about status is valued
- Safer sex agreements are explicit
If someone refuses to discuss this, that's a red flag.
When to Have This Talk
Before Physical Intimacy
Always before:
- Any sexual contact
- Especially before fluid exchange
- Even for what seems "low risk"
How Early?
Ideal: Before you meet in person Acceptable: On the date, before going home together Too late: After you've already started
It's Never "Too Soon"
Some worry about bringing it up early. But:
- Mature people appreciate directness
- It demonstrates care and responsibility
- Anyone offended by the question isn't a good match
How to Bring It Up
Simple and Direct
"Before we go further, I'd like to talk about sexual health. Can we discuss testing and safer sex practices?"
Casual but Clear
"So, logistics question—when were you last tested and what's your status? I'm happy to share mine too."
Integrated into Planning
"I'm excited about where this is going. Before we get physical, I want to make sure we're on the same page about safer sex and testing."
If You're Nervous
"I always find this conversation a bit awkward, but it's important to me. Can we talk about STIs and safer sex?"
What to Share
Your Testing
- When you were last tested
- What you were tested for
- Your results
Example:
"I was tested [timeframe] ago. I tested for [what you tested for]. Everything came back negative/I have [status]."
Your Current Status
If you have an STI:
- Disclose before any relevant contact
- Be factual, not ashamed
- Provide information they might need
- Let them ask questions
Example:
"I should tell you that I have HSV-2. I take suppressive medication and haven't had an outbreak in [time]. I'm happy to answer any questions about transmission and how we can reduce risk."
Your Network (General)
They don't need names, but they might need:
- How many partners you have
- Your agreements with those partners about safer sex
- Whether your network is relatively closed or open
Example:
"I have two other partners. We all test regularly and use barriers with new partners until we've established agreements."
Your Safer Sex Practices
What you typically do:
- Barrier use (when, with whom)
- What activities you consider higher/lower risk
- What you're flexible on and what's non-negotiable
Example:
"I use condoms for penetrative sex with new partners. I'm open to discussing what makes sense for us as we get to know each other."
What to Ask Them
The Basics
"When were you last tested, and what was your status?"
"What STIs were you tested for?"
"Are there any STIs I should know about?"
Their Network
"Do you have other partners? What are your safer sex agreements with them?"
"Is your network relatively closed or open?"
Their Practices
"What safer sex practices do you typically use?"
"What are your boundaries around barriers and fluid exchange?"
Their Expectations
"What would you need from me to feel safe?"
"Are there activities you're not comfortable with?"
Sample Full Conversation
The Script
You: "Hey, before we take things to the bedroom, I want to talk about sexual health. Is that okay?"
Them: "Yeah, of course."
You: "Great. So I was last tested three months ago—full panel including HSV. Everything came back negative. I have two partners, and we use condoms for penetrative sex with anyone new. What about you?"
Them: "I was tested about two months ago, all clear. I have one partner and we're fluid-bonded. With new people, I use condoms for penetration."
You: "That sounds compatible with where I'm at. Is there anything else you want to know or discuss?"
Them: "I think I'm good. Are you comfortable with [specific activity]?"
You: "Yes, with protection. Let's check in as we go."
Navigating Different Scenarios
If They Haven't Been Tested Recently
"I'd feel more comfortable if we both had recent tests before we do [activity]. Would you be willing to get tested? I'm happy to go too."
If They Have an STI
Listen, ask questions, then decide:
"Thank you for telling me. Can you tell me more about transmission and what precautions we'd take?"
Then make an informed decision. Having an STI doesn't automatically mean no sex—it means informed choices.
If They're Vague or Dismissive
"Sexual health is really important to me. I need us to be able to discuss this openly. Can we try again?"
If they continue to avoid: reconsider whether to proceed.
If They Get Offended
"I'm not accusing you of anything. This is a standard conversation I have with everyone. It's about mutual care, not suspicion."
If they remain hostile: they're not a good fit.
Ongoing STI Communication
It's Not One Conversation
In ENM relationships, sexual health is ongoing:
- When you get new test results
- When your network changes
- When anyone has a potential exposure
- When agreements change
Check-In Script
"My last test was [date], all clear. Any updates on your end?"
If Something Changes
"I need to tell you that [partner] tested positive for [STI]. I'm getting tested. We should [pause/use barriers/discuss] until we know more."
Making Agreements
What to Agree On
- Barrier use (when, what activities)
- Testing frequency
- Disclosure requirements (when to tell each other)
- What happens if exposure occurs
Example Agreement
"We'll use condoms for penetrative sex. We'll both test every three months. If either of us has a potential exposure, we'll tell each other immediately and pause fluid exchange until we know status."
Putting It in Practice
Agreements only work if followed:
- Honor what you agree to
- Speak up if something changes
- Renegotiate rather than violate
- Be honest if you made a mistake
Destigmatizing the Conversation
Language Matters
Instead of: "Are you clean?" Say: "What's your status?"
"Clean" implies having an STI is "dirty"—which is stigmatizing and inaccurate.
STIs Are Common
Many sexually active people will have an STI at some point. This conversation isn't about shame—it's about health and informed consent.
Normalize It
The more matter-of-fact you are, the easier it becomes:
- Don't make it dramatic
- Don't act like it's a big deal
- Treat it like any other practical conversation
- Model the directness you want to see
Resources
Testing
- Planned Parenthood
- Local sexual health clinics
- At-home testing kits
- Primary care providers
Information
- CDC STI information
- Scarleteen (for basics)
- Planned Parenthood resources
- Your healthcare provider
Related Guides
Communicate About What Matters
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